I'm glad that I did not get a mailbox full of hate mail. It is just so hard to be on the other side. I am probably going to be venting for awhile. I am feeling hopeless and this is my therapy. Thank you to everyone who has made kind comments lately.
I remember when I was in middle school and the first big separation was the training bra. Remember? I was younger than most of my peers due to my December birthday so I was not in the bra club at first. After awhile it was noticeable who was not yet developed. It got to the point where you felt the pressure to stuff.
Then the next one was AF. Again I was not one of the first to join that club either. I remember the older girls telling those of us who had not crossed over all about it. Then one by one we all joined the club. Even though getting AF was not the best it was still something that all women had in common.
Now I am again excluded from another club. The baby makers club. This time I am not sure if I will ever get an invite to join.
I am a teacher and that means there are tons of women. Someone is always
pregnant and many of them have lapped me. At lunch that is all I hear
about. They even swap birth stories at the lunch table. That is another part of the club, sharing the story.
On Mother's Day, I went down to see my mom's family. That was the first time that my younger sister showed off her second child. When I walked in all of the women were gathered around her to see the baby and hear the birth story. I was totally excluded from that discussion. In fact I walked away. Mostly bc my sister is still ignoring me. I overheard someone say that my sister gave birth in her car. EWWW
gross. I am not sure if I would have shared that, but I guess everyone
loves a good birth story.
I am in the IF club. That one is a secret club bc you never know who else is in this club. This is a club that you don't want to join but some of us have a lifetime membership.
It sure is a secret club. It is a club you don't choose to join, don't know how long you'll be in for, don't quite know who is in with you, and open to all sorts of idiotic and hurtful comments from people who are lucky enough NOT to be in the club. Losing that freedom of choice is one of the most difficult aspects, because without the solid backing of "I want to be here, I feel I belong, I chose this and I'm happy with it", you always feel on the back foot and defensive when people start making judgements about why you are where you are. Inevitably it involves some sort of blame on you. It's hard to stand up for yourself from a place of non-choosing and lack of control. I think we should all get medals.
ReplyDeleteThe IF club is the toughest club to be a member of, particularly when you're a teacher. I'm surrounded by fertile women!
ReplyDeleteI really hope that we can both give up our memberships soon!!!
I was a late bloomer too. :(
ReplyDeleteIt's too bad that your sister is still holding a grudge. I wish your relationship was better ... and am still praying for you to become a mom! Hang in there. You SO deserve to join the Mom-hood club. I wish I had the answer to God's plan for you. I would so tell you His secret. ((( hugs )))