This is starting to get real

On Saturday, I mailed my huge packet of papers (minus that one little guardian form) to the social worker. I put a tracker on the envelope so I knew that it had arrived on Tues. I have been waiting patiently to hear back.

 Today (Friday) I decided it was long enough so I played dumb and sent an email. I told her that I mailed out my forms and I was wondering if they had arrived yet. I also asked for a basic time line for them to get processed. I told myself that it would probably take a few months. At this point, I just wanted confirmation that they were not lost in the office or in large pile on someone's desk etc.

 Not long after I sent my note, I got back this email from her.

 Hi __________ Great job,,,I received your packet and already started processing it. Your fingerprints arrived and your medical forms arrived. I sent you out a packet with two missing forms, and a Bethany Newletter/ Magazine, and a sample adoptive parent profile book (the most popular one). Good job… Give us about 7 to 10 days to review everything and call you back. It looked good to me. Your caseworker is ___________ for the homestudy report, and your file is now on her desk for review. 

WOW, this is starting to get real. Dare I get my hopes up? Not yet, but I am so excited that I finally turned in those darn forms. I started to cry...... but this time it was tears of joy, hope, and accomplishment. I was glad that I was totally correct to just send in what I had and not be perfect about it.

Did you notice how many times she wrote that I did a great job?

WOOHOOO. I hope that you can share in my joy.

Unstopable

It is 3 in the morning. I cannot sleep. I just got out of bed and decided to go online. Forgive me if I ramble or say something stupid.

I saw a similar image on FB that one of my co workers posted. She has a son with severe physical needs.  I am often amazed at her strength. It make me wonder sometimes which cross is heavier to bear. Hers or mine. She probably posted this image to show that kids with special needs can achieve more with the correct device to assist them.

It made me wonder how this image pertains to my situation. I feel like my if is the the small arms of the T-rex.  I thought about all of the times that I allowed it to limit my happiness bc I was unable to reach my goal. 

The grabbers allow the T-rex to do what he could not before. If the T-rex wants to pick up things, then it should not matter how he does this.  

My goals are to become happier and to be a mother. So what are the grabbers in my life? What do I need to assist me? Lately I have spent more time with my friends, dh, hobbies, etc instead of spending every waking moment worrying about if, looking for the next possible treatment, trying treatments, feeling jealous towards others etc. 

The adoption process gives me hope, but at the same time it has been a long process and I am not sure of how much longer it will be or if it will ever happen. I guess it would be like the T-rex seeing another T-rex with grabbers and his were on back order. He was not sure if he would ever be able to get a pair or not. 

Forms are in the Mail

We have one more form left. We have to chose a guardian. This has been difficult. First it is awkward to ask someone to be a legal guardian to a potential child that I may never have.  It could take a few years to adopt and who knows who I would want to be the guardian then. Things change.

You also have to write a paragraph stating why they would be good guardians which includes their annual income. You are asking someone to take in another mouth to feed and another college tuition. We both have life insurance so I started to make a big deal that my potential child would have money to pay for college.

I know in my heart that if something happened to both of us that a family member would just step up. When 3 of my cousins were taken away by CPS, two of my Aunts took them in. It is easy to step in when a child in front of you is in need. It is different when there is no child and no immediate need. Right now it is too abstract.

We are in the process of asking around. At the moment I am waiting to hear back from dh's sister. It has not been easy. It is hard enough to be infertile and not have children. Now the one thing in my way is that I have to find a couple who is willing to care for my possible future children. ugh

I am tired of worrying about getting it all done perfectly.  I spent the last 3 months filling out forms and worrying about being judged. On Monday, I made a photo copy at work of what I had done. Today (Saturday) I decided that I would just send in my 30 pages!  Woohoo!

My thought is that when they get the packet that should plenty to get the ball rolling. Then they will hopefully start contacting my  references, submit my application to the state office etc.The guardian form is not a requirement at this moment but it was in their packet. My thoughts are by the time they notice, I may even have someone picked out. If not, well then they can still get working on other forms while I finish it up. If I had asked them, then I am sure they would have said to wait and mail it all in at once, but now they will have 99% of the forms and it  will be too late.

I am very excited to get this far. The packet will probably arrive at the agency on Tues and then I have to wait and see how long it takes for them to contact me and see how long it will be before I have something else to do. I know that I have the home visit and the interviews still to come.

Our Essays

I am following a blog of a couple who is starting the process to adopt their second child. She found out today that she got approved and she handed in her paperwork in November. Once I read that I went into turbo mode. I told dh that we would get our essays done today. 

We went into our separate offices and started to type away. Dh was going forever while I felt like I only had a paragraph. Then he tells me that he will let me read it tomorrow while he is at work. HMMMM I asked him what the deal is. I said, well I've seen you naked and I think I know all of your secrets. We laughed and he let me read it. Well it was great. He single spaced two pages, while I had two pages double spaced. He wrote wonderful things about himself and about me. I loved it. He said he was worried that it wasn't good enough.

Then I asked him to help improve my sad essay. I did not want him to write it bc it was my homework and I wanted it to be authentic. He gave me some ideas. We had questions to answer. One of them was to name 2 key events. I only had one which was meeting dh and marrying him. 

Then he reminded me of how I wanted to go into science in HS, but then I got involved in an internship for genetic counseling. This is a place where women can test their unborn baby's DNA to see if  the baby had a genetic issue. I was happy to tour the lab and see chromosomes. When I found out that women would then decide whether or not to terminate and they wanted me to see an autopsy of a baby I bailed. 

The only option left for me was to work at the local elementary school with ESL students. I fell in love with those kids and knew that I wanted to spend my life helping kids and not working in a lab.

I am so happy to have the essays completed. Now we just have to name guardians and fill out a paragraph about why we chose them. 

I am hoping to get photocopies at work tomorrow and then mail this out by Tuesday.

Still Waiting

Last Friday was CD 24 and I started some light spotting. I thought ok AF is here. I seem to be on this long/short cycle pattern every other month. This month was supposed to be a short one. It was not really a big deal. I expected it to happen. I thought 24 days was not too bad. Then it stopped. That really annoyed me. I was like ok come on let's go and get this over with. 

Then it happened again on Sat, Sun, and Monday which is today. Now I am on CD 27. Normally this does not happen to me.  I stopped charting a long time ago, and I could not find a post about it, but I think I can only recall one other time. Usually for me once it starts it just gets going without stopping until its over. 

This is weird for me. So of course now I start to go through the whole roller coaster of emotions like maybe I'm having implantation spotting, maybe I'm pg. Maybe I should go buy a test.  Later on it became UGH maybe its menopause. Why do I still do this to myself after all  this time???

I am still very excited to become a mother through adoption. All this paperwork has been hard on me. It has been overwhelming for me.  It has been 4 months since I started the process. I know that I have to be patient but it is so tough. The gloomy, cold weather makes it worse.

We have almost all of our paperwork done. I know that I keep saying that, but we have tons of papers and I am at the point where I have to answer questions about myself and write my autobiography. ERGH, I hate writing essays. I am a math teacher. 

It is supposed to snow this week, maybe I will get lucky and get a snow day.