The indecision of not knowing what agency to go with was giving us too much anxiety. I finally put my foot down and made DH sign the contract. I told him that I know he will mourn the $8,000 bc we spent years sacrificing to save up that money for our down payment on our dream home. He started to list all the things we could do with that money. We talked about how taking out a car loan for $10,000 and making payments on it is different than giving up you worked hard to save. It is also hard bc we are not guaranteed to get anything for that money, so it feels like we are gambling and we are not gamblers.
I mailed the contract in the next day so we could not think about changing our minds. So I feel relieved and excited to say that we have officially contracted with our agency. There is no turning back now.
I finally finished the first draft of my profile book. Then I had to get up the nerve to submit it to the SW. After the way I was treated at my house, I have been really unsure of myself. I sent in the book and the next day she said it was nice. She only gave one little suggestion but it may take me a few days to fix it.
On the cover I put two separate photos of us instead of a couple. I did this on purpose bc they were our best and most recent photos. It has been really hard to get an updated couple shot. I have tried many times in the past year. Everyone had a couple shot on the cover, so I wanted to stand out. The SW wants us to have a couple photo.
I don't have any that are current and nice. The photo has to be nice since it is on the cover. DH's friend got married last year, so I asked his wife to locate a good photo of us. If that does not work, we are heading to sears to get a professional photo done.
How do you like my new blog design? I was on the waiting list for two months. She is great and very affordable. I just gave her a quick idea of what I wanted and she came up with the design on the first try. I wanted something cheery.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Profile Book
I finally realized that the fist step was to just gather photos. I spent a lot of time going through the past 12 years of photos looking for happy memories of the two of us. You need vacation photos, hobbies, etc.
I found 135 and then DH found some. The next step was to uploaded them to Shutterfly. That took an hour. While I was waiting I browsed through the sample book the agency gave me. They said that this couple was very popular.
They are very cute. They both look the same in almost very photo, so I am not sure if they just aged well or just used recent photos. I tried to figure out what was so special out this couple. They have great large smiles. They seem playful. They had a lot of writing.
After my photos uploaded, I used the storyboard feature which allows you to group related photos on the same page. Then once you are done it automatically fits them. At this point I had over 40 pages. The sample book had 40 and the SW said 20-30 is common. The book comes with 20 and every page after that costs extra. I have to keep the cost per book down bc I need to send 5 to my agency for their various offices and then I might want some to pass around locally.
I started to rearrange the pages, cut out photos, cut out pages. I got down to 25. DH said that you don't want to make it too long and have someone loose interest.
I went back and added more text and took out more photos. I realized that these photos give me happy memories when I look at them bc I was there. When a stranger looks at my photos she won't have the same experience. That is when I thought that this is more of a story book than a photo album. The main focus is the text that provides a story about the two of us and the photos are just a visual to back it up.
DH is going to edit it this weekend and then I am sending it to the SW on Monday for her review. My stomach has been in knots bc I know that she will rip me apart. I have to just face this a plow forward.
I found 135 and then DH found some. The next step was to uploaded them to Shutterfly. That took an hour. While I was waiting I browsed through the sample book the agency gave me. They said that this couple was very popular.
They are very cute. They both look the same in almost very photo, so I am not sure if they just aged well or just used recent photos. I tried to figure out what was so special out this couple. They have great large smiles. They seem playful. They had a lot of writing.
After my photos uploaded, I used the storyboard feature which allows you to group related photos on the same page. Then once you are done it automatically fits them. At this point I had over 40 pages. The sample book had 40 and the SW said 20-30 is common. The book comes with 20 and every page after that costs extra. I have to keep the cost per book down bc I need to send 5 to my agency for their various offices and then I might want some to pass around locally.
I started to rearrange the pages, cut out photos, cut out pages. I got down to 25. DH said that you don't want to make it too long and have someone loose interest.
I went back and added more text and took out more photos. I realized that these photos give me happy memories when I look at them bc I was there. When a stranger looks at my photos she won't have the same experience. That is when I thought that this is more of a story book than a photo album. The main focus is the text that provides a story about the two of us and the photos are just a visual to back it up.
DH is going to edit it this weekend and then I am sending it to the SW on Monday for her review. My stomach has been in knots bc I know that she will rip me apart. I have to just face this a plow forward.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
The Picnic
I have one friend who is waiting to adopt. She shared a link to a local adoptive families group. At first I was hesitant. I finally decided to mail in my membership form and go to the next event.
The had a picnic. I asked DH to go. He said sure and we put in on the calendar. Last weekend was the big day. We showed up at a local park and saw a bunch of children playing. That is when he turns to me and asks if we will be the only ones without kids. I had no idea, so we made a plan to go and wing it.
We showed up and were instantly welcomed by the head of the group. She pointed us to the "waiting area." There were 3 other couples who were waiting. We walked over and made instant connections. It was weird but comfortable at the same time. Of the four couples two had been to the group before and two of us were first timers. We ate lunch at spoke about some things, but I also felt like there was a wall. Everyone was nice, I had to hold back tears a few times, and we never really spoke about anything too personal.
None of these couples were using my agency so at least I don;t have to worry about the awkwardness of competing. One of the couples had been waiting a long time. She did not say how long, and I thought it might be rude to ask, she just said a long time. When I went home, I found her profile online and she was the first one listed which means she had been waiting the longest.
She asked all of us if we had set up a nursery. Two said yes, two said no. I said no. They said that their agency required them to have a pack and go and a car seat bc you might get a call last minute. I thought about the car seat, that is a good idea. DH said that you could just buy whatever you need that day. I have not bought anything yet. Maybe once I am active.
They also mentioned having a list of names. I said I gave up thinking about names years ago. I tried to be careful and not sound negative and not cry.
I really enjoyed reaching out and talking with others going through the same crisis as me. They said that they meet once a month for coffee and are thinking about starting a men's group. I really hope they do bc dh could really use other men to talk to about this.
One woman asked us about taking infant CPR and infant care classes. The thought never crossed my mind. I guess when you are pregnant you sign up for classes like that through your hospital. She said that she was going to check places that would take group members so that we don't have to sit through all the pregnancy stuff that we don't need or can't handle.
I told her that I loved her attitude. She said that there are days when you can handle stuff like that and days that you can't. She said the same thing about this picnic. She was not sure if others could handle coming. I told her that I wanted DH to see how happy fathers are with their adopted kids.
After the picnic, I felt rejuvenated. I wanted to have what those parents had. I wanted a child and I was ready to go back into the ring.
I finally started my profile book. That was a really hard thing for me to start. I will write about that next time.
The had a picnic. I asked DH to go. He said sure and we put in on the calendar. Last weekend was the big day. We showed up at a local park and saw a bunch of children playing. That is when he turns to me and asks if we will be the only ones without kids. I had no idea, so we made a plan to go and wing it.
We showed up and were instantly welcomed by the head of the group. She pointed us to the "waiting area." There were 3 other couples who were waiting. We walked over and made instant connections. It was weird but comfortable at the same time. Of the four couples two had been to the group before and two of us were first timers. We ate lunch at spoke about some things, but I also felt like there was a wall. Everyone was nice, I had to hold back tears a few times, and we never really spoke about anything too personal.
None of these couples were using my agency so at least I don;t have to worry about the awkwardness of competing. One of the couples had been waiting a long time. She did not say how long, and I thought it might be rude to ask, she just said a long time. When I went home, I found her profile online and she was the first one listed which means she had been waiting the longest.
She asked all of us if we had set up a nursery. Two said yes, two said no. I said no. They said that their agency required them to have a pack and go and a car seat bc you might get a call last minute. I thought about the car seat, that is a good idea. DH said that you could just buy whatever you need that day. I have not bought anything yet. Maybe once I am active.
They also mentioned having a list of names. I said I gave up thinking about names years ago. I tried to be careful and not sound negative and not cry.
I really enjoyed reaching out and talking with others going through the same crisis as me. They said that they meet once a month for coffee and are thinking about starting a men's group. I really hope they do bc dh could really use other men to talk to about this.
One woman asked us about taking infant CPR and infant care classes. The thought never crossed my mind. I guess when you are pregnant you sign up for classes like that through your hospital. She said that she was going to check places that would take group members so that we don't have to sit through all the pregnancy stuff that we don't need or can't handle.
I told her that I loved her attitude. She said that there are days when you can handle stuff like that and days that you can't. She said the same thing about this picnic. She was not sure if others could handle coming. I told her that I wanted DH to see how happy fathers are with their adopted kids.
After the picnic, I felt rejuvenated. I wanted to have what those parents had. I wanted a child and I was ready to go back into the ring.
I finally started my profile book. That was a really hard thing for me to start. I will write about that next time.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Home Study Approved
I just got word that my home study was approved. YEAH!! I should be really happy. I was hoping to get a certificate of completion that I could hang on my fridge or show my family etc. All I got was an email with a few words. I was hoping to be able to move forward after waiting all this time but now I am I am stuck.
My friend suggested Adoption Star and said that she knew others who had used them. They looked great online and mentioned a sliding scale for fees. I was really hopeful that I would be able to transfer my home study and move on. I emailed them and got a response right away. That is when I froze. I though about it for a while and then had DH call today.
They do not accept home studies from other agencies. HMMM wish she had mentioned that in her email bc I mentioned wanting to transfer mine. This was a big slap in my face. I guess I just assumed that it was something that you got from the government like a driver's license. So it surprised me to learn that we would have to do the home study over and pay $1,675. Not only is this more but the first one just took me months to get. I don't know if I can go through that all over again. The other fees would be about the same, except they charge double the amount that Bethany is going to charge to maintain the home study every year.
I was so crushed. Now I am back to where I was. I don't like my SW, but I am not sure if I can handle switching agencies due to money or time. I looked up a few more online and DH is going to call them this week.
Bethany is a national agency but I am not sure if I would be able to work with a SW from another branch. I think there is only one branch in my state. I can't really call the home office to ask unless I am desperate bc my SW will find out that I don't like her.
My friend suggested Adoption Star and said that she knew others who had used them. They looked great online and mentioned a sliding scale for fees. I was really hopeful that I would be able to transfer my home study and move on. I emailed them and got a response right away. That is when I froze. I though about it for a while and then had DH call today.
They do not accept home studies from other agencies. HMMM wish she had mentioned that in her email bc I mentioned wanting to transfer mine. This was a big slap in my face. I guess I just assumed that it was something that you got from the government like a driver's license. So it surprised me to learn that we would have to do the home study over and pay $1,675. Not only is this more but the first one just took me months to get. I don't know if I can go through that all over again. The other fees would be about the same, except they charge double the amount that Bethany is going to charge to maintain the home study every year.
I was so crushed. Now I am back to where I was. I don't like my SW, but I am not sure if I can handle switching agencies due to money or time. I looked up a few more online and DH is going to call them this week.
Bethany is a national agency but I am not sure if I would be able to work with a SW from another branch. I think there is only one branch in my state. I can't really call the home office to ask unless I am desperate bc my SW will find out that I don't like her.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Fee Contract
Thank you for all the kind words on my last post where I had a melt down. I feel that there may be more coming. I have tried my best over the years not to complain too often on this blog, but lately it has been very tough. I thought IF was lonely, well adoption is lonely too. Most people I come in contact with don't understand the process that I am going through both physical and emotional.
DH contacted the SW bc I can't stand her. They talked about it, she apologized for being "frank" hmmm the last time I looked up the definition of frank it did not describe her. They did not bring up specifics but made it sound like we were good to move forward. She told dh that we had a great application bc she has had some people with DWI etc. My thoughts were then she should we wining and dining us bc our records are spotless.
I asked DH to get the final copy of the report or at least some physical proof that we passed like a certificate etc. Neither have come in yet.
I thought and prayed about this and decided to just let it go bc I have taken so long to get this far. The one other agency I contacted during my melt down did not respond.
Today in the mail we get the contract with all the fees in it. $50 for initial application and $450 for formal application, were already paid. $1,300 for home study was due. I expected that since we just about finished it and was wondering where the bill was.
Then I got a surprise. At this moment they want $7,000 for pre-placement and it is non-refundable. I looked back at the price sheet they gave us in October. It was listed on the form, but I guess they way they spaced it out, it looked like something you would pay later on. It did not say non refundable, but in smaller print down further it said all fees are non nonrefundable except post placement.
I tried to figure out what was going to cost $7,000. It listed a few general items. The way the contract is written it locks you in. Now I have to make a huge decision bc if I sign this I can't change agencies unless I want to lose $7,000.
We spoke about it and I want a lawyer to look this over due to the large sum of money. $27,00 in all plus lawyer fees, birth mother medial etc. I am curious about anyone else's experience with fee schedule. Feel free to PM me if you don't want to post it publicly.
Now I am looking back into other agencies to see what their fee schedule is like. UGH
DH contacted the SW bc I can't stand her. They talked about it, she apologized for being "frank" hmmm the last time I looked up the definition of frank it did not describe her. They did not bring up specifics but made it sound like we were good to move forward. She told dh that we had a great application bc she has had some people with DWI etc. My thoughts were then she should we wining and dining us bc our records are spotless.
I asked DH to get the final copy of the report or at least some physical proof that we passed like a certificate etc. Neither have come in yet.
I thought and prayed about this and decided to just let it go bc I have taken so long to get this far. The one other agency I contacted during my melt down did not respond.
Today in the mail we get the contract with all the fees in it. $50 for initial application and $450 for formal application, were already paid. $1,300 for home study was due. I expected that since we just about finished it and was wondering where the bill was.
Then I got a surprise. At this moment they want $7,000 for pre-placement and it is non-refundable. I looked back at the price sheet they gave us in October. It was listed on the form, but I guess they way they spaced it out, it looked like something you would pay later on. It did not say non refundable, but in smaller print down further it said all fees are non nonrefundable except post placement.
I tried to figure out what was going to cost $7,000. It listed a few general items. The way the contract is written it locks you in. Now I have to make a huge decision bc if I sign this I can't change agencies unless I want to lose $7,000.
We spoke about it and I want a lawyer to look this over due to the large sum of money. $27,00 in all plus lawyer fees, birth mother medial etc. I am curious about anyone else's experience with fee schedule. Feel free to PM me if you don't want to post it publicly.
Now I am looking back into other agencies to see what their fee schedule is like. UGH
Monday, June 23, 2014
Furious
OMG I am so furious, so I have to vent here where I can feel safe and not do any major damage.
We sent corrections to the SW. We corrected misspellings, and some minor factual info. Then we made some suggestions on how to make the information say the same things but nicer. For example saying my father was a good provider instead of saying that "he only provided income". I took about the part about my sister being materialistic bc I felt that is really had no place.
She wrote me back today to say that she fixed factual errors but kept the rest. OMG I was so furious. REALLY??? I have kept my mouth shut this whole time bc I have to. This is ridiculous.
Then I emailed her back and simply requested that she send me a final copy and I asked her who was going to see this report.
She writes me back with her phone number and asked me to call her to discuss this. REALLY??
There is no way that I am going to call her right now when I am so mad. What does she need to discuss? I really have no say in anything anyway. If she sent the report, she sent it. I am not sure what the big deal is to give me a final draft. I think I have a right to see it.
Why won't she tell me who is going to see it? I didn't think that she made me or my family look good, so I wanted to make sure that births parents don't see it.
UGH... So I started to search the net for other agencies to work with. It stinks bc most of them want an application and $200 or more. I am so sick of forms. I am sick of wasting time. I am tired of my dad asking me when I am getting a baby.
I really don't like my SW. I hope that this home study gets done soon bc I don't feel comfortable with this agency.
I sent an email to one agency asking about the procedure if I had a home study already completed. Hopfully it will not be that involved bc I can't take anymore with this lady.
Thank you for listening. I needed to vent.
We sent corrections to the SW. We corrected misspellings, and some minor factual info. Then we made some suggestions on how to make the information say the same things but nicer. For example saying my father was a good provider instead of saying that "he only provided income". I took about the part about my sister being materialistic bc I felt that is really had no place.
She wrote me back today to say that she fixed factual errors but kept the rest. OMG I was so furious. REALLY??? I have kept my mouth shut this whole time bc I have to. This is ridiculous.
Then I emailed her back and simply requested that she send me a final copy and I asked her who was going to see this report.
She writes me back with her phone number and asked me to call her to discuss this. REALLY??
There is no way that I am going to call her right now when I am so mad. What does she need to discuss? I really have no say in anything anyway. If she sent the report, she sent it. I am not sure what the big deal is to give me a final draft. I think I have a right to see it.
Why won't she tell me who is going to see it? I didn't think that she made me or my family look good, so I wanted to make sure that births parents don't see it.
UGH... So I started to search the net for other agencies to work with. It stinks bc most of them want an application and $200 or more. I am so sick of forms. I am sick of wasting time. I am tired of my dad asking me when I am getting a baby.
I really don't like my SW. I hope that this home study gets done soon bc I don't feel comfortable with this agency.
I sent an email to one agency asking about the procedure if I had a home study already completed. Hopfully it will not be that involved bc I can't take anymore with this lady.
Thank you for listening. I needed to vent.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Home Study Report
It has been about 2 months since the sw came to my house. It took me a long time to get over what she said. Being IF is really hard and even though I am starting to make peace with never being pregnant, it is still hard to deal with the feelings of failure. When she came to my house and insulted me it poured salt in my wounds.
I had a hard time not giving up after she left. I had to block her out and try to focus on things in my life that I enjoy. Thankfully the weather has been nice so I am able to go outside and garden. I have a shared mailbox area with my 3 neighbors but it is on my land, so I added some new flowers. When I go out to water it, people always walk by and compliment me. It makes me feel good. =)
The SW mailed me her draft of the home study report last week. I started to skim through it and then I realized it was 15 pages long. My friend said hers was only 5, so I am wondering if my SW it just really neurotic. If you have had a home study done, I am curious about the length of your report.
As I skimmed through I saw that she quoted me a few times about my sister and my dad that were not flattering. She quoted me saying that my sister was "materialistic". Well, my sister and I don't get a long, and I made sure to choose my words carefully when I spoke about her, so I don't remember saying that. She also quoted me saying something about my dad only providing income which sounds weird taken out of context. I was telling her about how my dad worked and my mom stayed home. I spent a lot of time with my mom growing up. I was so annoyed and yelled out words that I won't type.
I thought the objective of the home study was to prove that you are not a criminal and have a clean home etc. She even mentioned how my DH's sister who he never met was "stabbed to death" hmmmm well she was murdered over 40 years ago, but does that have any bearing on my ability to raise a child?????????????????
Well, I guess the good news is that my housekeeping standards are "adequate" with some clutter.
I am trying really hard to keep my head above water. I have to visualize the end result which will be having a child to love and take care of.
I know that everyone has a different experience. I don't want to scare anyone away. I know others who have had easy experiences. I do want to be honest about my experience bc I need to vent and I hope that maybe it could help someone else going through the same thing.
I had a hard time not giving up after she left. I had to block her out and try to focus on things in my life that I enjoy. Thankfully the weather has been nice so I am able to go outside and garden. I have a shared mailbox area with my 3 neighbors but it is on my land, so I added some new flowers. When I go out to water it, people always walk by and compliment me. It makes me feel good. =)
The SW mailed me her draft of the home study report last week. I started to skim through it and then I realized it was 15 pages long. My friend said hers was only 5, so I am wondering if my SW it just really neurotic. If you have had a home study done, I am curious about the length of your report.
As I skimmed through I saw that she quoted me a few times about my sister and my dad that were not flattering. She quoted me saying that my sister was "materialistic". Well, my sister and I don't get a long, and I made sure to choose my words carefully when I spoke about her, so I don't remember saying that. She also quoted me saying something about my dad only providing income which sounds weird taken out of context. I was telling her about how my dad worked and my mom stayed home. I spent a lot of time with my mom growing up. I was so annoyed and yelled out words that I won't type.
I thought the objective of the home study was to prove that you are not a criminal and have a clean home etc. She even mentioned how my DH's sister who he never met was "stabbed to death" hmmmm well she was murdered over 40 years ago, but does that have any bearing on my ability to raise a child?????????????????
Well, I guess the good news is that my housekeeping standards are "adequate" with some clutter.
I am trying really hard to keep my head above water. I have to visualize the end result which will be having a child to love and take care of.
I know that everyone has a different experience. I don't want to scare anyone away. I know others who have had easy experiences. I do want to be honest about my experience bc I need to vent and I hope that maybe it could help someone else going through the same thing.
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