PSA video questions to ask adoptive parents

I just came across this video and I had to share. Here are some quotes from the article.

"Butterworth, 36, and his wife Marisa are the parents of two biological sons. They always wanted to adopt, so daughter Harper – who is almost 2 and was born in Ethiopia – joined the family more than a year ago.

Butterworth was inspired to create the tutorial after one of their first outings with Harper, to a restaurant where the waitress peppered the Butterworths with some of the inappropriate questions featured in the video.

“I really, really, really don’t think that people are trying to be mean” Butterworth told TODAY Moms.

“People are curious — that’s human nature and it’s natural to ask questions… so we were thinking, what’s a way that we could help people just put language around it?”"

Second Interview

Wow it's been a month since my last post. Sorry to be  a slacker. Life has been busy.
We had our second interview for the home study a few weeks back. I was not in love with the outcome so I avoided blogging about it.

This time we were separated which is  a requirement by state law. My dh went first. While they were talking  I read magazines. The secretary speaks to me off and on. He was in there for about an hour.

When it was my turn, she asked me some questions and I knew all the answers bc they were mostly about me. Then she had a ton of what if questions. I did my best to answer them but I told her that there are so many variables and I don't know what that child's personality is going to be.  I understand that she wants us to be prepared but she started to scare me. She mentioned how bm will lie about drug and alcohol use. She kept going on about what if this happens or what if the baby is like this.

UGH it took us 5 years of marriage, buying  a house, getting good jobs etc before we were ready to start to a family. We have always been super responsible. Lately we have been trying more relaxed and "just cross that bridge when we get to it" instead of freaking out about it. Now she wanted us to basically predict every issue that may come up between birth and college.

At the end we were both drained. We each had about an hour privately and then she spoke to us again for about a half hour. I have been asked a million times now about what type of child I am willing to adopt. We already filled out the whole page about race, gender, age, disability, drug use etc. She asked us last time in the first interview.

During this interview she went over this again and got stuck on race. I mentioned that the child does not have to be 100% Caucasian but I would prefer that the child blend in with my family. I want to walk down the street and not have people stare at me. I want this child to feel that he/she belongs.

She was really obnoxious at this point. She made me feel terrible bc she said that most children are African american and that there are not that  many who are white It could take me up to two years to get a white child. She tried to convince me that it was not a big deal. She said it was my issue and not the child's issue. Her adopted son is white. So she really has no idea. Most of the people I know who have adopted have been able to get a child that blends in.

Please don't don't say mean things about this bc I am being brutally honest about my feelings. It is just really hard decide what you are comfortable with. Everyone has their own comfort zone. It is really hard to find someone to talk to about this honestly.

First Interview

We made our appointment for the first interview of the home study, three weeks ago. At first I was fine, mostly bc it was so far away. Then a few days ago my dh started to freak out about it. We had a few arguments due to the stress of the whole thing.

Today was the day. The apt was at 9:00 so it gave us some time to prepare. I asked him what shirt he was wearing and he said "just a work shirt" I got upset bc this is important and I wanted to make a good impression on the social worker. I started to freak out that he was going to mess this up due to his lack of effort. We got into a fight. Tears were shed.

When we get there I was glad to find out that it was a group interview. We sat together on a couch, so it was comfortable. She starts out by asking us if were are nervous...........then I started to cry. Then she asked me about my infertility and I cried some more. She was understanding and said that she sees many couples who come from pain like us.

She asked us each separate questions, but we were able to chime in and help each other out. Overall I think we did ok. She was very nice. She started a smaller agency years ago after she adopted her son. Later on she merged with Bethany. This was my first time meeting her. I felt very comfortable with her. We were in there for two hours. She basically asked us the same questions that we had on our forms. Some of the questions she would ask a follow up question and others were basic. I cried a little off and on. It is hard to stop once you start.

The next time we go in for interviews it has to be separate bc state law requires it that way. She said that she gets surprised all the time by things that people say when they are away from their spouse.

After the appointment we went out to lunch. Then my dh had to go back to work. I am home for the rest of the day. We are both exhausted from the stress leading up to this day and all of the emotional stuff we explored today.

The Microwave

The other day the microwave broke. It started to make weird noises and then I noticed that it did not heat up my food. I had that micro for about 14 years. It had a good life. I bought that when I moved up here and had my apartment. Now that we have a house with a tiny galley kitchen we thought it might be time to get a micro that goes above the range.

It seemed like a simple space saving idea. We would get rid of that old nasty hood and replace with with a micro that has a fan/light under it. Sounded really simple. I measured and noticed that the space that it would go in was about 30 by 12. This is smaller than our current micro, so I just thought that I would get a smaller micro.

I get to the store and most micros are all the same size 30 by 16. So that means the micro would hang down below the cabinets. Also you need a minimum of 30 inches from the range to the bottom so you don't melt the micro.

At this point I just want to forget this whole plan and just get the usual counter micro. DH is already sold on the idea of saving space by regaining counter space. We get home and he says that it is fine. I have a freak out that the micro will be so low that I will get claustrophobic.

He starts to play with moving the cabinet up. He removes the hood which is circa 1975 and original to the house. The wires were hard wired into the hood. I reminded him to watch out for live wires but he does not listen. He starts to pull the wires out from the hood and they hit the metal and make a loud popping sound and flames start shooting out.

At this point I am screaming bc I am worried that DH got electrocuted or burned. He was ok. That is when he listened to me about shutting off the power. He gets the hood off and realizes that he needs help. My friend's dh is going to come over later in the week to help swap cabinets. There is a shorter one over the fridge that would fit in that spot so the top of the cabinets will be flush.

I just wanted a microwave and now I have a hole in the wall where wires are sticking out. I have to wait for the electrician to make an outlet, a friend to move the cabinets, and then they will deliver and install the micro.

I am hopeful that this will all be worth it when I have more space. Right now I have my doubts bc it seems like this keeps getting more and more involved. My first interview is not for another 16 days. This better get fixed bc I cannot have a social worker come to my house with wires sticking out of the wall.

Moving on to Home Study

Good News!

The social worker emailed me last night to say that our state application was approved so now we are moving on to the home study. We start with an interview in their office. She said it was going to be an hour.  ergh so that made me nervous. Can anyone who has been through this give me some  info on what they want to talk about?

Her first opening was the last week of March.  I am fine with waiting bc I need to relax from the stress of getting all those papers done. I am very happy to move forward.

This is starting to get real

On Saturday, I mailed my huge packet of papers (minus that one little guardian form) to the social worker. I put a tracker on the envelope so I knew that it had arrived on Tues. I have been waiting patiently to hear back.

 Today (Friday) I decided it was long enough so I played dumb and sent an email. I told her that I mailed out my forms and I was wondering if they had arrived yet. I also asked for a basic time line for them to get processed. I told myself that it would probably take a few months. At this point, I just wanted confirmation that they were not lost in the office or in large pile on someone's desk etc.

 Not long after I sent my note, I got back this email from her.

 Hi __________ Great job,,,I received your packet and already started processing it. Your fingerprints arrived and your medical forms arrived. I sent you out a packet with two missing forms, and a Bethany Newletter/ Magazine, and a sample adoptive parent profile book (the most popular one). Good job… Give us about 7 to 10 days to review everything and call you back. It looked good to me. Your caseworker is ___________ for the homestudy report, and your file is now on her desk for review. 

WOW, this is starting to get real. Dare I get my hopes up? Not yet, but I am so excited that I finally turned in those darn forms. I started to cry...... but this time it was tears of joy, hope, and accomplishment. I was glad that I was totally correct to just send in what I had and not be perfect about it.

Did you notice how many times she wrote that I did a great job?

WOOHOOO. I hope that you can share in my joy.

Unstopable

It is 3 in the morning. I cannot sleep. I just got out of bed and decided to go online. Forgive me if I ramble or say something stupid.

I saw a similar image on FB that one of my co workers posted. She has a son with severe physical needs.  I am often amazed at her strength. It make me wonder sometimes which cross is heavier to bear. Hers or mine. She probably posted this image to show that kids with special needs can achieve more with the correct device to assist them.

It made me wonder how this image pertains to my situation. I feel like my if is the the small arms of the T-rex.  I thought about all of the times that I allowed it to limit my happiness bc I was unable to reach my goal. 

The grabbers allow the T-rex to do what he could not before. If the T-rex wants to pick up things, then it should not matter how he does this.  

My goals are to become happier and to be a mother. So what are the grabbers in my life? What do I need to assist me? Lately I have spent more time with my friends, dh, hobbies, etc instead of spending every waking moment worrying about if, looking for the next possible treatment, trying treatments, feeling jealous towards others etc. 

The adoption process gives me hope, but at the same time it has been a long process and I am not sure of how much longer it will be or if it will ever happen. I guess it would be like the T-rex seeing another T-rex with grabbers and his were on back order. He was not sure if he would ever be able to get a pair or not.