I have one friend who is waiting to adopt. She shared a link to a local adoptive families group. At first I was hesitant. I finally decided to mail in my membership form and go to the next event.
The had a picnic. I asked DH to go. He said sure and we put in on the calendar. Last weekend was the big day. We showed up at a local park and saw a bunch of children playing. That is when he turns to me and asks if we will be the only ones without kids. I had no idea, so we made a plan to go and wing it.
We showed up and were instantly welcomed by the head of the group. She pointed us to the "waiting area." There were 3 other couples who were waiting. We walked over and made instant connections. It was weird but comfortable at the same time. Of the four couples two had been to the group before and two of us were first timers. We ate lunch at spoke about some things, but I also felt like there was a wall. Everyone was nice, I had to hold back tears a few times, and we never really spoke about anything too personal.
None of these couples were using my agency so at least I don;t have to worry about the awkwardness of competing. One of the couples had been waiting a long time. She did not say how long, and I thought it might be rude to ask, she just said a long time. When I went home, I found her profile online and she was the first one listed which means she had been waiting the longest.
She asked all of us if we had set up a nursery. Two said yes, two said no. I said no. They said that their agency required them to have a pack and go and a car seat bc you might get a call last minute. I thought about the car seat, that is a good idea. DH said that you could just buy whatever you need that day. I have not bought anything yet. Maybe once I am active.
They also mentioned having a list of names. I said I gave up thinking about names years ago. I tried to be careful and not sound negative and not cry.
I really enjoyed reaching out and talking with others going through the same crisis as me. They said that they meet once a month for coffee and are thinking about starting a men's group. I really hope they do bc dh could really use other men to talk to about this.
One woman asked us about taking infant CPR and infant care classes. The thought never crossed my mind. I guess when you are pregnant you sign up for classes like that through your hospital. She said that she was going to check places that would take group members so that we don't have to sit through all the pregnancy stuff that we don't need or can't handle.
I told her that I loved her attitude. She said that there are days when you can handle stuff like that and days that you can't. She said the same thing about this picnic. She was not sure if others could handle coming. I told her that I wanted DH to see how happy fathers are with their adopted kids.
After the picnic, I felt rejuvenated. I wanted to have what those parents had. I wanted a child and I was ready to go back into the ring.
I finally started my profile book. That was a really hard thing for me to start. I will write about that next time.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Home Study Approved
I just got word that my home study was approved. YEAH!! I should be really happy. I was hoping to get a certificate of completion that I could hang on my fridge or show my family etc. All I got was an email with a few words. I was hoping to be able to move forward after waiting all this time but now I am I am stuck.
My friend suggested Adoption Star and said that she knew others who had used them. They looked great online and mentioned a sliding scale for fees. I was really hopeful that I would be able to transfer my home study and move on. I emailed them and got a response right away. That is when I froze. I though about it for a while and then had DH call today.
They do not accept home studies from other agencies. HMMM wish she had mentioned that in her email bc I mentioned wanting to transfer mine. This was a big slap in my face. I guess I just assumed that it was something that you got from the government like a driver's license. So it surprised me to learn that we would have to do the home study over and pay $1,675. Not only is this more but the first one just took me months to get. I don't know if I can go through that all over again. The other fees would be about the same, except they charge double the amount that Bethany is going to charge to maintain the home study every year.
I was so crushed. Now I am back to where I was. I don't like my SW, but I am not sure if I can handle switching agencies due to money or time. I looked up a few more online and DH is going to call them this week.
Bethany is a national agency but I am not sure if I would be able to work with a SW from another branch. I think there is only one branch in my state. I can't really call the home office to ask unless I am desperate bc my SW will find out that I don't like her.
My friend suggested Adoption Star and said that she knew others who had used them. They looked great online and mentioned a sliding scale for fees. I was really hopeful that I would be able to transfer my home study and move on. I emailed them and got a response right away. That is when I froze. I though about it for a while and then had DH call today.
They do not accept home studies from other agencies. HMMM wish she had mentioned that in her email bc I mentioned wanting to transfer mine. This was a big slap in my face. I guess I just assumed that it was something that you got from the government like a driver's license. So it surprised me to learn that we would have to do the home study over and pay $1,675. Not only is this more but the first one just took me months to get. I don't know if I can go through that all over again. The other fees would be about the same, except they charge double the amount that Bethany is going to charge to maintain the home study every year.
I was so crushed. Now I am back to where I was. I don't like my SW, but I am not sure if I can handle switching agencies due to money or time. I looked up a few more online and DH is going to call them this week.
Bethany is a national agency but I am not sure if I would be able to work with a SW from another branch. I think there is only one branch in my state. I can't really call the home office to ask unless I am desperate bc my SW will find out that I don't like her.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Fee Contract
Thank you for all the kind words on my last post where I had a melt down. I feel that there may be more coming. I have tried my best over the years not to complain too often on this blog, but lately it has been very tough. I thought IF was lonely, well adoption is lonely too. Most people I come in contact with don't understand the process that I am going through both physical and emotional.
DH contacted the SW bc I can't stand her. They talked about it, she apologized for being "frank" hmmm the last time I looked up the definition of frank it did not describe her. They did not bring up specifics but made it sound like we were good to move forward. She told dh that we had a great application bc she has had some people with DWI etc. My thoughts were then she should we wining and dining us bc our records are spotless.
I asked DH to get the final copy of the report or at least some physical proof that we passed like a certificate etc. Neither have come in yet.
I thought and prayed about this and decided to just let it go bc I have taken so long to get this far. The one other agency I contacted during my melt down did not respond.
Today in the mail we get the contract with all the fees in it. $50 for initial application and $450 for formal application, were already paid. $1,300 for home study was due. I expected that since we just about finished it and was wondering where the bill was.
Then I got a surprise. At this moment they want $7,000 for pre-placement and it is non-refundable. I looked back at the price sheet they gave us in October. It was listed on the form, but I guess they way they spaced it out, it looked like something you would pay later on. It did not say non refundable, but in smaller print down further it said all fees are non nonrefundable except post placement.
I tried to figure out what was going to cost $7,000. It listed a few general items. The way the contract is written it locks you in. Now I have to make a huge decision bc if I sign this I can't change agencies unless I want to lose $7,000.
We spoke about it and I want a lawyer to look this over due to the large sum of money. $27,00 in all plus lawyer fees, birth mother medial etc. I am curious about anyone else's experience with fee schedule. Feel free to PM me if you don't want to post it publicly.
Now I am looking back into other agencies to see what their fee schedule is like. UGH
DH contacted the SW bc I can't stand her. They talked about it, she apologized for being "frank" hmmm the last time I looked up the definition of frank it did not describe her. They did not bring up specifics but made it sound like we were good to move forward. She told dh that we had a great application bc she has had some people with DWI etc. My thoughts were then she should we wining and dining us bc our records are spotless.
I asked DH to get the final copy of the report or at least some physical proof that we passed like a certificate etc. Neither have come in yet.
I thought and prayed about this and decided to just let it go bc I have taken so long to get this far. The one other agency I contacted during my melt down did not respond.
Today in the mail we get the contract with all the fees in it. $50 for initial application and $450 for formal application, were already paid. $1,300 for home study was due. I expected that since we just about finished it and was wondering where the bill was.
Then I got a surprise. At this moment they want $7,000 for pre-placement and it is non-refundable. I looked back at the price sheet they gave us in October. It was listed on the form, but I guess they way they spaced it out, it looked like something you would pay later on. It did not say non refundable, but in smaller print down further it said all fees are non nonrefundable except post placement.
I tried to figure out what was going to cost $7,000. It listed a few general items. The way the contract is written it locks you in. Now I have to make a huge decision bc if I sign this I can't change agencies unless I want to lose $7,000.
We spoke about it and I want a lawyer to look this over due to the large sum of money. $27,00 in all plus lawyer fees, birth mother medial etc. I am curious about anyone else's experience with fee schedule. Feel free to PM me if you don't want to post it publicly.
Now I am looking back into other agencies to see what their fee schedule is like. UGH
Monday, June 23, 2014
Furious
OMG I am so furious, so I have to vent here where I can feel safe and not do any major damage.
We sent corrections to the SW. We corrected misspellings, and some minor factual info. Then we made some suggestions on how to make the information say the same things but nicer. For example saying my father was a good provider instead of saying that "he only provided income". I took about the part about my sister being materialistic bc I felt that is really had no place.
She wrote me back today to say that she fixed factual errors but kept the rest. OMG I was so furious. REALLY??? I have kept my mouth shut this whole time bc I have to. This is ridiculous.
Then I emailed her back and simply requested that she send me a final copy and I asked her who was going to see this report.
She writes me back with her phone number and asked me to call her to discuss this. REALLY??
There is no way that I am going to call her right now when I am so mad. What does she need to discuss? I really have no say in anything anyway. If she sent the report, she sent it. I am not sure what the big deal is to give me a final draft. I think I have a right to see it.
Why won't she tell me who is going to see it? I didn't think that she made me or my family look good, so I wanted to make sure that births parents don't see it.
UGH... So I started to search the net for other agencies to work with. It stinks bc most of them want an application and $200 or more. I am so sick of forms. I am sick of wasting time. I am tired of my dad asking me when I am getting a baby.
I really don't like my SW. I hope that this home study gets done soon bc I don't feel comfortable with this agency.
I sent an email to one agency asking about the procedure if I had a home study already completed. Hopfully it will not be that involved bc I can't take anymore with this lady.
Thank you for listening. I needed to vent.
We sent corrections to the SW. We corrected misspellings, and some minor factual info. Then we made some suggestions on how to make the information say the same things but nicer. For example saying my father was a good provider instead of saying that "he only provided income". I took about the part about my sister being materialistic bc I felt that is really had no place.
She wrote me back today to say that she fixed factual errors but kept the rest. OMG I was so furious. REALLY??? I have kept my mouth shut this whole time bc I have to. This is ridiculous.
Then I emailed her back and simply requested that she send me a final copy and I asked her who was going to see this report.
She writes me back with her phone number and asked me to call her to discuss this. REALLY??
There is no way that I am going to call her right now when I am so mad. What does she need to discuss? I really have no say in anything anyway. If she sent the report, she sent it. I am not sure what the big deal is to give me a final draft. I think I have a right to see it.
Why won't she tell me who is going to see it? I didn't think that she made me or my family look good, so I wanted to make sure that births parents don't see it.
UGH... So I started to search the net for other agencies to work with. It stinks bc most of them want an application and $200 or more. I am so sick of forms. I am sick of wasting time. I am tired of my dad asking me when I am getting a baby.
I really don't like my SW. I hope that this home study gets done soon bc I don't feel comfortable with this agency.
I sent an email to one agency asking about the procedure if I had a home study already completed. Hopfully it will not be that involved bc I can't take anymore with this lady.
Thank you for listening. I needed to vent.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Home Study Report
It has been about 2 months since the sw came to my house. It took me a long time to get over what she said. Being IF is really hard and even though I am starting to make peace with never being pregnant, it is still hard to deal with the feelings of failure. When she came to my house and insulted me it poured salt in my wounds.
I had a hard time not giving up after she left. I had to block her out and try to focus on things in my life that I enjoy. Thankfully the weather has been nice so I am able to go outside and garden. I have a shared mailbox area with my 3 neighbors but it is on my land, so I added some new flowers. When I go out to water it, people always walk by and compliment me. It makes me feel good. =)
The SW mailed me her draft of the home study report last week. I started to skim through it and then I realized it was 15 pages long. My friend said hers was only 5, so I am wondering if my SW it just really neurotic. If you have had a home study done, I am curious about the length of your report.
As I skimmed through I saw that she quoted me a few times about my sister and my dad that were not flattering. She quoted me saying that my sister was "materialistic". Well, my sister and I don't get a long, and I made sure to choose my words carefully when I spoke about her, so I don't remember saying that. She also quoted me saying something about my dad only providing income which sounds weird taken out of context. I was telling her about how my dad worked and my mom stayed home. I spent a lot of time with my mom growing up. I was so annoyed and yelled out words that I won't type.
I thought the objective of the home study was to prove that you are not a criminal and have a clean home etc. She even mentioned how my DH's sister who he never met was "stabbed to death" hmmmm well she was murdered over 40 years ago, but does that have any bearing on my ability to raise a child?????????????????
Well, I guess the good news is that my housekeeping standards are "adequate" with some clutter.
I am trying really hard to keep my head above water. I have to visualize the end result which will be having a child to love and take care of.
I know that everyone has a different experience. I don't want to scare anyone away. I know others who have had easy experiences. I do want to be honest about my experience bc I need to vent and I hope that maybe it could help someone else going through the same thing.
I had a hard time not giving up after she left. I had to block her out and try to focus on things in my life that I enjoy. Thankfully the weather has been nice so I am able to go outside and garden. I have a shared mailbox area with my 3 neighbors but it is on my land, so I added some new flowers. When I go out to water it, people always walk by and compliment me. It makes me feel good. =)
The SW mailed me her draft of the home study report last week. I started to skim through it and then I realized it was 15 pages long. My friend said hers was only 5, so I am wondering if my SW it just really neurotic. If you have had a home study done, I am curious about the length of your report.
As I skimmed through I saw that she quoted me a few times about my sister and my dad that were not flattering. She quoted me saying that my sister was "materialistic". Well, my sister and I don't get a long, and I made sure to choose my words carefully when I spoke about her, so I don't remember saying that. She also quoted me saying something about my dad only providing income which sounds weird taken out of context. I was telling her about how my dad worked and my mom stayed home. I spent a lot of time with my mom growing up. I was so annoyed and yelled out words that I won't type.
I thought the objective of the home study was to prove that you are not a criminal and have a clean home etc. She even mentioned how my DH's sister who he never met was "stabbed to death" hmmmm well she was murdered over 40 years ago, but does that have any bearing on my ability to raise a child?????????????????
Well, I guess the good news is that my housekeeping standards are "adequate" with some clutter.
I am trying really hard to keep my head above water. I have to visualize the end result which will be having a child to love and take care of.
I know that everyone has a different experience. I don't want to scare anyone away. I know others who have had easy experiences. I do want to be honest about my experience bc I need to vent and I hope that maybe it could help someone else going through the same thing.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
4th Blogiversary
4th Blogiversary May 2014
The month of May marks my 4 blogiversary with this blog Wohoo! This blog has changed names and themes over the past four years. The URL has remained the same.
At first I created this blog to help the brand new Gianna Center spread the word and get some attention. Then I started to blog about my infertility, now I am blogging about the adoption process.
At first I created this blog to help the brand new Gianna Center spread the word and get some attention. Then I started to blog about my infertility, now I am blogging about the adoption process.
- To celebrate my blogiversary, I am going to give away a starbucks gift card to one lucky reader.
- To enter, just leave me a comment to say hi. I will pick a winner on June 14.
I teach math and I love my stats. Here they are enjoy!
Cumulative Stats Since 2010
Page views all time history 1288,225 Followers: 36 (plus 11 on bloglovin)
Top Five Posts Listed by Page Views
Top Five Posts Listed by Page Views
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Thursday, May 8, 2014
Home Visit
I have been dreading this post for a while. I have spoken to my friends and co workers about it. Hopefully you will all say the same things. I really need some encouragement. I usually try to keep my posts short, but it was impossible this time.
We had the third interview for the home study. This was the home visit. When we had our last interview I felt mostly comfortable with the SW. She said that we were a cute couple and that unless we had some major issue in our home she was going to approve us. I made a joke about how I am a teacher and I have "teacher piles" in my home. She said it was fine.
During the course of our interviews we have always given her our best effort and our best impression. We wanted her to know that we are stable. We have been together for about 20 years. We have lived in our house for 10 years. We both have had the same job for about 10 years. I thought that she would have been really impressed. She made comments about how we can't get stuck in our ways bc a child will totally change it all. I understand that she is trying to prepare us, but it is just hard to constantly have someone criticize you.
I cleaned my house, but I decided that I wanted to show her that I was not OCD, not perfect, and that I was a real person who could handle having a messy child in my home. I cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen, did the dishes, vacuumed, swept, etc. I left my teacher piles stacked neatly as well as a few other items.
When she came into my home, she walked in and sat down at the dining room table. I had cleaned it all off except for a small basket of vitamins. She noticed them and made a comment about how it was unsafe for a child. I was shocked bc I had explicitly asked in the past about the need to have the nursery set up and they said no.
She said that the state wants to see a play area. That is why she had such an issue with our living room. I finally told her that we have had pets in the past. When we had the pet, the downstairs looked totally different bc we had to make space for his needs. We also let the pet run around supervised so we could not have things on the floor. I also said that when our friends come over with kids, we move stuff off the cofffe table etc.
She went on to complain about tons of stupid small items, like my teacher piles and the basket of paper my dh keeps by the table for recycling. She told me to throw them out. . It would have been one thing to just say that once the child is here, make sure you have ample play space. She was very rude and insulting to me. She spoke to me like I am an idiot.
She asked if my house was child proofed. I said of course not. She asked us about our child care plans. I told her that after 7 years, I am not going to put myself through that. She got upset and said that we were being negative and that we need to expect that this could happen at any moment. I told her that I am going to evolve with this situation as it unfolds. She asked us how we would keep the child safe from the internet. She asked us so many what if questions, I started to get really annoyed, but I had to hide it.
She eventually said that my house was too small and we have outgrown it. I was shocked. My house its not large, but it is not tiny. We have three bedrooms and 1.5 bathrooms. It is larger than the house I grew up in except I don't have a basement. I am not Donna Reed, but I am not going to show up on hoarders either.
I told her that we were saving to buy a house but then we had to shift our focus to saving for an adoption. I was so insulted bc of course I would love to have a larger house, but I thought I was being responsible with my money. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So after she left, I was crushed. I cried about it bc I felt that I could not do this. I felt so inadequate and so defeated.
It has been a few weeks and I am still upset. I know that I am so close to getting my home study approved. I have to just do it. I think these are the final things left to do: a will, legal guardian, fire extinguisher, child care plan. After that I need to reevaluate if I want to continue with this agency or not.
We had the third interview for the home study. This was the home visit. When we had our last interview I felt mostly comfortable with the SW. She said that we were a cute couple and that unless we had some major issue in our home she was going to approve us. I made a joke about how I am a teacher and I have "teacher piles" in my home. She said it was fine.
During the course of our interviews we have always given her our best effort and our best impression. We wanted her to know that we are stable. We have been together for about 20 years. We have lived in our house for 10 years. We both have had the same job for about 10 years. I thought that she would have been really impressed. She made comments about how we can't get stuck in our ways bc a child will totally change it all. I understand that she is trying to prepare us, but it is just hard to constantly have someone criticize you.
I cleaned my house, but I decided that I wanted to show her that I was not OCD, not perfect, and that I was a real person who could handle having a messy child in my home. I cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen, did the dishes, vacuumed, swept, etc. I left my teacher piles stacked neatly as well as a few other items.
When she came into my home, she walked in and sat down at the dining room table. I had cleaned it all off except for a small basket of vitamins. She noticed them and made a comment about how it was unsafe for a child. I was shocked bc I had explicitly asked in the past about the need to have the nursery set up and they said no.
She said that the state wants to see a play area. That is why she had such an issue with our living room. I finally told her that we have had pets in the past. When we had the pet, the downstairs looked totally different bc we had to make space for his needs. We also let the pet run around supervised so we could not have things on the floor. I also said that when our friends come over with kids, we move stuff off the cofffe table etc.
She went on to complain about tons of stupid small items, like my teacher piles and the basket of paper my dh keeps by the table for recycling. She told me to throw them out. . It would have been one thing to just say that once the child is here, make sure you have ample play space. She was very rude and insulting to me. She spoke to me like I am an idiot.
She asked if my house was child proofed. I said of course not. She asked us about our child care plans. I told her that after 7 years, I am not going to put myself through that. She got upset and said that we were being negative and that we need to expect that this could happen at any moment. I told her that I am going to evolve with this situation as it unfolds. She asked us how we would keep the child safe from the internet. She asked us so many what if questions, I started to get really annoyed, but I had to hide it.
She eventually said that my house was too small and we have outgrown it. I was shocked. My house its not large, but it is not tiny. We have three bedrooms and 1.5 bathrooms. It is larger than the house I grew up in except I don't have a basement. I am not Donna Reed, but I am not going to show up on hoarders either.
I told her that we were saving to buy a house but then we had to shift our focus to saving for an adoption. I was so insulted bc of course I would love to have a larger house, but I thought I was being responsible with my money. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So after she left, I was crushed. I cried about it bc I felt that I could not do this. I felt so inadequate and so defeated.
It has been a few weeks and I am still upset. I know that I am so close to getting my home study approved. I have to just do it. I think these are the final things left to do: a will, legal guardian, fire extinguisher, child care plan. After that I need to reevaluate if I want to continue with this agency or not.
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