LUFS Returns

Friday was CD1. I was on the fence about whether or not to chart, go into the clinic etc. My dh and I had a long talk about it. Somehow I  talked myself back into giving it another try. We agreed to give it everything. I even had an unused box of repronex that I have been too chicken to try. The fear was not multiples, the fear was lufs. We agreed at this point to just go for it.

Being that today was Monday and it was now CD4, I had to go in for baselines. I had not been to the clinic in two months. I decided to pop in at 7:45 am. They told me they could squeeze me in for a quick US. Well, an hour later, I started to freak out. I told them I had to go to work and that I had to come back later. She said that 10:45 was all clear and I would be all set then.

I get back there at 10:45 and wait, wait, wait. OMG everyone who came in after me went in. Someone even came in at 11:15 with an 11:15 apt and went in before me. They finally take me in around 11:20. I should have been back to school by 11:27. The school clock is a little off so I had another 5 min or so. I knew I would be late.

I finally get  the US and OMG there is a HUGE MONSTER CYST. It was over 5cm. It took up the whole screen. I think it was bigger than my uterus. So I waited all day, was going to be late and now I had that sucker staring at me. Now, I am on the bench. I drive back to school like a maniac and of course I am late.

ERGHHH so now I have mixed emotions. I am annoyed that I bothered to go into the clinic today, but glad I found out about the cyst. I really wanted a break, so I was glad to be on the bench, but I was mad that it was not my choice. I went back and forth. 5cm is huge. The nurse was shocked that I was not feeling it.

Then I was mad at myself for being lazy and not going to the clinic the last two months. I did not take my trigger this past moth, bc I was lazy and missed my OPK. It was early so I thought maybe I was normal. Well I guess I am not normal and I still have LUFS. I have to be gratelful that for the past year or so I have been able to treat my lufs with the trigger and the neupogen. I am also wondering how much my lack of neupogen and additon of LDN aggravated my LUFS.

I have had LUFS in the past of 2-3 cm. BUT 5cm is so large that something must have kept feeding it. When I used that language my DH laughed. I guess it goes with my monster theme. It was so black and hollow that I am worried it is still active. I had been taking more B6 this month. In the past, I was taking large amounts of it and it made my LUFS really bad. That was 500. This time I was only taking 25, so who knows.

Does anyone know if it would be bad or good to take a trigger shot now? This month is a bust anyway, so I was just hoping to make it go away faster...................

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Updates

It has only been 9 days since my last post and it seem like forever. I have been so busy with school that I don't have time to think about blogging during the week. My students have gotten better and so have I. It takes a  ton of patience to keep them on track. It is exhausting. They are starting to act better. The raffle at the end of the week is a huge hit and it really helps. I am also trying not to let the stress of all the new regulations etc bother me. We just got a new piece of technology that I am excited to try. It was half installed today. It is like a smart board but it is a projector and a stylus that works with your regular dry erase board. This is great bc I can use my regular board with markers or the interactive board with the computer.

Not much else going on. Things have been better with my dh. He is starting to realize that I need some space. IF has probably scared me emotionally for life.

On the cycle news. I am not really sure where I am, I got really lazy about charting. I figured that Wed was just about P+14 so I took a test and it was negative. I was not really surprised. I started to feel like AF was getting near. I had some minor spotting since Tues.  I stopped the progesterone Wed night. It usually take 2-3 days to clear out of my system so I should be due tomorrow.

I am about to finish my 6th chart which means 3 years of charting. UGH I am so tired of charting. I emailed my FCP for more charts. Then she wanted to do an annual review. I emailed her back and told her that I just cannot speak to her about my lack of fertility anymore. I am so burned out about I just cannot do it. it. She emailed me back and I have not been able to open it yet. UGH I am wondering if I really need to bother anymore.

I am almost done with updating my bathroom, which is good. We started it last year and have been working on it piece by piece since then. Last week we finally went to finish putting in the border. Then we discovered that we did not buy enough. I was so mad bc I measured it three times. We were about one whole roll off which I thought was weird. Since we started the border last year, we had most of the bathroom done and then we ran out. I was upset bc that border might be out of print by now. I went online and found it. Then I saw that it said the roll had 15 feet. The roll itself says 12 feet. So it seems that I did measure correctly. The error was the online catalog where I ordered from. The roll just came in, so now we can finally finish that project this weekend.

Huge Fight

I am around P+7, not sure. I kind of stopped charting. I am on the last row of my 6th chart which means I have been doing this for 3 years.. I emailed my FCP for more charts and she never got back to me. Then I got to the point where I was getting burned out on it.

My DH and I got into a huge 3 day fight. It ended with him sending me flowers at work. We have been married for ten years and he has only sent me flowers a few times. That shows how huge this fight was. Basically, I am tired of BD. Being that he is a man, he wants to do it every day. I am burned out on that. Not sure if there is some psychological aspect to being infertile, or if its my age, or hormones, etc 

5 years ago, we had a once a week thing going on. Then when we started TTC we upped it to 3-4 times a week. Sometimes more. Now that it is clear that I will never have a BFP, I want to take a break. Clearly  that was not going to cut it. So we had a fight. The start was the day I had a mole removed from my back. I mentioned that I was not in the mood bc my back was sore. Then he started to try to fix my back problem. I was totally offended that he did not just let me be.

In reality, I would like to take a month off or more to get back the flame, but I know that will never happen. I have been pushing myself the last few years to BD bc I wanted a child. Now  it feels like a chore.

He does not understand that I am just not in the mood at all. I need my space and he won't give it to me. It is getting to the point where I wonder if I want to have a marriage like this. That is how bad the fight was, we started to throw around the D word. I do love him a lot and we get a long so well except for that one topic right now.

I told him that I wanted to make a poll about the freq. He said women would down play and men would exaggerate.

I hate to say it, but if we had kids, we would not have so much free time and we would not have so much alone time. Then he would have to learn to adjust.

New Test Results

If you follow the world of reproductive immunology you know what NK and TNF are. I have been on LDN for 2.5 months so it was time to get another round of immune tests run. LDN is supposed to be anti-inflammatory so I was hoping for great results.

When I got my results: The first one was great. My NK went down to 11. BUT, my TNF went up to 39. YIKES. This is bad. Since I cannot believe that the LDN increased it,  I started to think about all my previous tests. I had 6 done in all. 2 of the 3 times when my TNF was normal I was on progesterone. Then 3 times when it was high  I was always off of it. Now I am not sure if the progesterone was keeping the numbers down. Progesterone is supposed to also be anti-inflammatory.

My napro Dr has been very supportive with helping me get these tests run. I don't want to push my luck, but I think I want to get the test repeated while I am on progesterone. That would be the next two weeks. I am not sure if I can get it scheduled.

ERGH.........................................................