The Mulberry Bird

As part of my adoption preparation, I have to read books from the agency's list. One of these books was The Mulberry Bird. It is a book written to read to children. There are pictures, but I would not call it a picture book due to all of text. Being a teacher, I love books. I have crates of books in my house for my future children. Now I am sensitive to seeking out great picture books that showcase adoptive families.

My first read through had me in tears. This story is from the birth mother's view. She is a young bird without a mate. Her baby is knocked out of his nest during a storm. She is unable to make a nest on the ground and properly take care of him. She finds parenting overwhelming and realizes that she cannot take proper care of him.

She visits the wise owl who helps her choose another bird family to raise her baby. They go over the positive traits of each bird family. She chooses the shore birds and takes her baby to them. She gets to visit the baby from time to time. The baby bird thinks about what it means to be adopted.

My first impression was a good one. I thought the story was appropriate for an older child. The book cover says ages 5-10.  The language was sensitive. It gave reasons why the birth mother chose adoption, how she chose the best family, and how the baby understood the concept of being adopted.

I started to get too into the story of these birds bc most of the story is about the birth mother and I felt really sad for her loss. I went back to reread some key pages and  pick the book apart. I thought to myself why wouldn't the other birds help her? Why didn't the shore bird take in the birth mother too? Why didn't she take back the baby once he got older?

I decided that this book is about birds so we can't compare their behavior to humans. The moral of the story is that a birth mother loves her baby so much that she will chose adoption when she feels it is the best option. Adopted children have two families that work together to give them what that child needs. I think the book does a good job of showing that adoption can be a choice made out of love.

Moving on to Step 5

My DH must have sweet talked the social worker. She told him that she would mail the forms after Thanksgiving. They arrived the day before. OMG it was a huge packet. I guess you have to be careful what you wish for. I wanted to get moving on step 5 but I had no idea it would this much work.

I had to leave that packet on my table for a few days. I could not even open it up. I had a nice holiday with my DH's family. We told them about how we are working on getting approved to adopt. They were supportive.

A few days later I had a night were I could not sleep. I woke up at 4 am and decided that I would work on some forms. The checklist that was on top included about 30 items. There were  forms for basic information,  medical, fingerprints, things that we need copies of such as a marriage certificate, and agency items such as reading books, fire safety etc.

I took out all the forms and filled in  our names, addresses, DOB, etc for all of them. Even though it was kind of annoying and the teacher in me felt that it was not very organized that we had already filled out that info on the online form, I thought it would be easy for me to do at this moment and get the ball rolling.

I spent about an hour filling out basic info on these forms. Then I put them away. That was last week. There are a few forms that require more thought such as income etc that DH will have to deal with. They also wanted me to fill out my references again. UGH. Well at least I have that info on my online form. I am trying to be good and think about it as the 8 page online form was my prep/rough draft for these real forms.

We had to order a few books about adoption and then we have to go into the office to discuss them. I went to amazon to look them up and the tears started flowing. It was really hard for me. I picked out 4. Two were books to read to a child and 2 were for adults to read.

The books came in yesterday. When I opened the box and saw them. I started crying again. I am not sure why exactly. I feel sad for these children. I feel sad for the birth moms, I feel sad for me. I feel scared about feeling hope that this will happen. I have been disappointed many times.

I  read the first picture book quickly and then I moved on to a larger novel.  I read about half of it. It was really great and made me feel normal about what I am going through. This book was written for families of adoptive parents. So far it looks really great. I am thinking about sending a copy to my parents and maybe copy a few good pages for other family members.

I decided that I will do book reviews in the future and add a book list section to my blog.

It seems that this packet is my application for a home study. It will be a lot of work, but I think that this should hopefully be the bulk of the paperwork.

Step 4.5

DH called the agency and had a nice chat. He said that our online form was accepted and they are going to snail mail us the next forms for fingerprints, physicals etc after Thanksgiving. She said that this could take up to 4 months to complete.

He asked her what we could do in the meantime and she said work on our marketing. I asked him what that meant and he did not think to ask. I can't get upset bc I know how he is which means he does not ask for details.

I went on the internet and did a search. That was a bad idea bc I got overwhelmed with advertising, and I am not even at that place yet.

Then I went on pinterest and saw this photo "Keep calm and fill out the next form."  It made me laugh so I decided to post it.

When we return from Thanksgiving break we have 3 weeks of school until Christmas break.   I decided that I am going to work on my photo album over Christmas break since we have a long one this year.  I think that I have plenty to keep me busy for now.  I just want to always make sure that I am moving forward.

So right now I guess I am on step 4.5 bc I completed step 4 but I have to wait until I can start step 5.

Stuck on Step 4

 A week went by and I never heard back from the adoption agency. I called on Monday and asked if they got my online application. The woman checked her computer and said yes. She was not overly friendly, she was in business mode and I could tell she wanted to get me off the phone. I asked her what is next. She said I had to be approved but that woman has been out on vacation so she would check on Tues and get back to me.

I tried to continue the conversation so I  asked her about the next step (form, medical, fingerprints) that I had listed on my checklist. I wanted to get info so I could start doing that now. She said the forms come from the state so I cannot do them until after my online form gets approved. That was the same story with the finger prints and medical. UGH. She was not very giving with info. I still have no idea how long it will take to get approved.

I waited all week and they never called me back. UGH. Then I get an email that they posted a charge to my account. I went online to the portal and they charged me $450. I knew from my checklist that I would have to pay this amount, but I am not sure if this means I have been approved or that I have to pay this amount first before they will even look at me. It was confusing.

We decided to take a few days to calm down.  I decided to have my DH call on Monday early in the day with some specific questions.

While I am filled with  hope that some day I will bring home a baby, I am still having a hard time accepting the idea that others will judge my ability to be a parent. I am scarred from my IF and the feeling of failure has dug deep inside of me. I am fearful that I will not be good enough. I am anxious to get this investigation over with so I will know where I stand. I understand that these regulations are for the benefit of the child, but it has been hard on me personally. I am a sensitive person.

Formal Online Application Step 4

It took us about a week but we finally completed step 4 out of 18.  WOOOOHOOOO

This was the formal online application. We printed it out first to make it easier to work with. That is when I realized it was 8 pages long. I understand that they want to check us out to make sure we are fit to raise a child. I don't understand why they need to know how old my mom is or what her occupation is. Do they really need to know how many siblings I have? I had to stop and laugh bc the only question they did not ask was when I had my LMP.

At first it was no big deal. I was able to quickly type in my address, date of marriage, etc. Then after a few days of filling in personal details to prove that I am worthy, some emotions started to flare up. It is really hard to fill out a form to prove you are worthy and not think about all of the people who just pop out multiple kids and do not take care of them.  They don't have to prove anything. Even after they have a few, they are still alowed to make more.

We started to worry that we are not good enough.  Question after question started to cause more panic. They even wanted to know what medications you are taking. My dh said that they can get a list of your prescriptions so you have to be 100% honest. He is taking a medication to help him deal with all of this stress. So of course I started to panic that this would cause an issue.

I spoke to a few people and I got a mixed response. Most were supportive and told me that this was just to screen out the jerks and that we are a desirable couple due to me being a teacher. I was shocked when someone said "well you knew what you signed up for" WHAT OMG, REALLY?  Well I definitely did not sign up to be infertile. I did not sign up to beg for someone to give me their child. I signed up to be a mother.

DH and I both agreed that we have no choice so we just have to push forward and have faith. If we are not worthy, then we will cross that bridge when we come to it.  We finally hit the send button last night.

Now we wait to hear back to see if they accept my application. So far they have been really good with quick turn around time. I will give them one week before I follow up with them.

The next step is #5  "paper application, prints, medicals, fee agreement"

Online Portal

WHOOHOO I am so excited. I just got an email that they accepted my pre application. I also got my access code for the online portal. YEAH. I feel so official.

There is a huge form to fill out online but I can work on it and save the draft as I go. She told me that it was equal to 6 printed pages. I had to take a quick look. I know 99% of what they want, so I should be able to hammer this one out this weekend.

The portal is really cool. I have been assigned my own specialist. There is a check list and it shows which steps I have completed and what is next. LOVE IT.

I hope you are going to be excited with me too as I check items off of my list.

First Form in the Mail

This past cycle was 26 days long. Woohoo. I will take it. I think last month was 32 days. This is my second month in a row off of progesterone. In the past when I was off of it, I would have a 21 days cycle. In  my new attempt to move on, I wanted to break free from all fertility meds if possible.

My cycle was very light which is also a bonus. I only had one heavy day where you have to watch what you wear and do etc.  Zero cramps. YEAH!!! So if I am going to be IF at least I will be able to brag about my great AF...HAHAHAHHA Don't worry I won't post that one to FB. =)

I am doing pretty good with moving on....I still think this will take time. I am very excited but I have to admit that I did cry about it once this month..... Hey I am getting better....small steps.

We mailed in our first form with a check of $50. I have to admit that I held out until AF showed just in case....This is the pre-application form. Once they get this I will get access to an online portal and will then fill out a 6 page online form.

I have not told my mom yet. I am not sure why. I guess for normal people when they get a BFP, they wait a little while to tell people. I guess I still cannot believe it it real. Maybe I want to make a special announcement???? I kinda feel like this is some sort of  adoptive parent BFP, where I am really excited but not sure that this will happen or not. So I'm not ready to to tell too many people yet. Thinking about how and when I will tell everyone etc.

When I have told my friends they have been supportive. They are getting me pumped up about feeling hopeful and excited. I have joked with them about needing to hold fundraisers....but I was serious. This is going to be expensive so I have to start thinking about what I want to do.

One of my co-workers who wants to adopt asked for maternity leave and was denied. I was shocked and could not believe that they would discriminate like that. Our contract and our state does not mandate paid maternity leave. Our school has always allowed women to take sick time up to 6 weeks paid. I just assumed I would be able to use my time. I have been saving my time for years to use for a maternity leave. This is another reason why I am not ready to go totally public.

New Garage Door

We bought our house ten years ago and it was a fixer upper. Every year we made a large improvement. Recently this pace had to slow down due to money being used for treatments.

My mom gave us some money last month. She said that she was probably not going to have to pay for a baby shower like she did for my sister so she wanted me to have the money.....YIKES I know. She was trying to be nice, but it still burned.  I did not tell her that I was going to start the adoption process. In fact she offered the money right around the same time. I was going to drop it all in the adoption fund, but we had been saving for awhile and I thought we could use some for ourselves now.

I decided to get a new garage door. Yep I am very excited about this. The old one was original to the house. It was rotting and the opener was totally busted. We even had to lock the door with a bicycle chain lock. It looked terrible from the outside too. Rodents were getting in without even trying.

When we realized we could afford to do it, I was so excited. It was also nice to want something and know that you can have it. It was expensive bc it was all rotted and we had to gut the whole thing out and start over. This included the door frame.

Once we moved all the stuff out of the way for them to install it, I realized that I had never in ten years painted the walls. OMG they were black with dirt. It was a nice day over the weekend, so I was able to open the door. I painted the walls bright white. It was so great. Now it looks so nice and clean. I have a keypad outside where I can open the door. It closes on its own. It is very quiet. The door locks and unlocks with the touch of a button. It is such a luxury.

I am very grateful to be able to fix this. I am trying to make sure that I stop and think about the things that I do have and not the ones that are missing from my life.

I am still giddy when I press the button to open or close the door.  I am trying to focus on being happy and living in the moment.

I have been pretty good about not staring at bellies. I caught myself a few times. I am honestly starting to be ok with this and accepting my fate. I am much happier for the moment.

When someone tells me that someone is PG or just gave birth, my response is still, ok great. But hey small baby steps.

My DH wanted one month to sit with the adoption forms and really think about this commitment. We are going to fill out the initial form this weekend. =)

Let this crazy journey begin!!!!!

New Cycle Pattern

Since I am now moving on to adoption, I no longer chart. I no longer worry about TTC. There have been many freeing moments. No more rushing to the dr in the middle of my work day. No more worrying about ordering meds, taking meds, etc. In fact, I stopped taking all meds, I even stopped taking my vitamins. I wanted to experience freedom from all aspects of IF.

Due to my short post peak phase. I usually take progesterone post peak.  For me this is about CD15. This month I totally forgot. I remembered around CD20. My thought was oh well whatever which was very freeing. I had a wedding coming up later this month so I thought AF would show up early. In the few times that I did not take progesterone, my cycle would only last 3 weeks.

Well CD 21 came and went with no sign of AF. Then I got to CD28. Then it was a day  later and I started to freak out. First I got excited and thought some miracle happened. You know bc I stopped everything and gave up. Then  two days later, I got back into reality and thought maybe it was menopause.

I finally told my DH and asked him if we should test. He said no, wait for another week. UGH it was driving me nuts. He said that most likely after stopping all my meds and vitamins, my body went into some type of shock.

He was probably right. Before napro I always had 28 day cycles but my peak day was late around cd 21. With napro my peak day moved up to 15 but I would only have 21 day cycles without meds.  So now I could be having a totally normal cycle or just a delayed peak.

Who knows??? Honestly I don't care. I made the decision to move on and I am standing by it.

Well AF finally showed up 4 days late. For normal people that is probably not really late. But for me who was always on time or early, this was major. Now af is here the day before the wedding. UGH

I am not sure if this will be my new cycle pattern or if it will change again. I have not decided which vitamins I want to go back on. I liked to idea of being free from progesterone suppositions but they gave me control over af.

Orientation Information

I finally had a moment to sit down and share my thoughts about the adoption orientation. It was very overwhelming  so I needed time to sort it all out.

The overall experience was good. I walked away with a lot of knowledge and a feeling that this agency is organized. I have a checklist of about 18 steps. The first one was orientation so I was happy to get something checked off.

It was hard for me to sit there for an hour and a half and listen to the social worker. She went over domestic and international. I almost cried a few times. Some of the times it was for me and my loss and the others were for the poor children who are abandoned and or neglected.

She asked us what we wanted and we had no idea in terms of race, age, etc. I said that I did not need an infant that I was ok with 0-3 years old. Then she said that the older they are, the harder it is to bond with that child bc they could have PTS.


It takes $50 to get the process started. Then comes $450 and 6 pages of forms. Then we get fingerprinted and they investigate the two of us. We have to get 7 letters of reference. They visit our house and we have to go into their office for a few visits. I am sure that there are more details I am forgetting. I just remember looking down at the final price of $28,000 and almost passing out.

After we are cleared to be fit to adopt,  we make a photo book for the birth mothers to look at. The sw showed us some books from couples who were already matched. She said that the BM will look at a few books and will most likely want to meet us before making her choice.

She said that most of them want a open adoption. She said it varies but most of them want photos and/or annual visits for the first 18 years. This was another topic we were not ready to make a decision on yet.

We decided to wait until next month to commit to this agency. My dh wanted time to ask around and see if there were any other agencies. Also, she told us not to fill out the first form until we were ready to make the hard choices and go guns blazing. She only takes up to 20 couples at a time and does not want anyone who is wishy washy signed up.

Attended the orientation today

I had my adoption orientation today. It was almost two hours long. It was very emotionally draining. I will write more about it next time. It does give me hope. I am very excited.

I got home today all pumped up and then I saw a letter from Reprosource. It was a bill from a blood test I had last November. YUP almost one year ago. It was really crappy to get a reminder of my failures today. I am trying so hard to move on.

It was for $850. Oh but they are giving me a discount if I pay by 9/23. I have had many tests run by then over the course of a few years and they were all covered 100%, so I am not sure what happened. I will have to email my contact who was always very nice to me and see what the deal is.

UGH so I am wondering if anyone had this happen to them by Reprosource  or any other dr etc.

Adoption Orientation

After SIX long years, I finally made an apt for adoption orientation. I am very excited. I finally accepted the fact that I am almost 37 and I truly want to be a mother. I have gone above and beyond to make this work and it appears that I am just not capable.

It was really hard for me to give up the dream of having a child that would be the blend of my DH and myself. To give up bonding for nine months, give up experiencing something that most women have and bond with other women too.

I had many fears of adopting but I finally decided that I have to just take a leap of faith. I feel free. I started to look on the bright side that I won't have to stretch my body out, ruin my bladder, deal with childbirth etc.

I bought some new clothes and I finally got rid of all my fat pants that I had been saving for the day that I got my BFP. When I went to Target I decided not to look at bellies anymore. I have to admit I was obsessed. I am trying not to be jealous of bumps anymore. I have been pretty good about it.

I started to tell my friends and of course the first words out of their mouths were......................
well of course you will get a BFP as soon as you adopt. ERGHHH now I know they are trying to be nice, but I finally accepted after SIX long years that I will not ever get a bfp so I don't want to hear about it. I want to move on.

When I called, the woman started asking me questions about what I wanted. (domestic vs international etc) I got a little overwhelmed. I told her that I was just starting out and I had no idea.

I feel so happy bc I think that this might actually happen some day. I used to think waiting a year was a long time. Well after waiting 6 I can handle one more.

I stopped getting the daily emails for all my IF forums. I need to start looking for adoption resources like forums etc. If anyone has any suggestions let me know.

Thinking About Seeing Dr Kwak Kim

Has anyone gone to see Dr Kwak Kim? I have heard great things about her on the immune forums. I did a search for her and I cannot seem to find a website for her office to call and make an apt. I am also wondering if there is anyone out there like me who has never been pregnant and saw her with success.

I started thinking about it today. I know from the forums that she requires you to see her in person first, so I checked plane prices and they seemed reasonable. I also checked and she is in my network. So I started to think why not? I have two weeks off in December so I thought that maybe if I called now I could get an apt then.

I saw Dr Braverman without success. He was also not nice, not in my network and very expensive. I think my problem is that his specialty is miscarriages. Since I cannot seem to  get pregnant I don't think he really knew what to do with me. He kept changing his mind about what my issue was and ultimately blamed my Endo.I did try neupogen which is his miracle drug without success. I was able to lower my NK and my TNF.I also took lovenox for my many blood clotting issues.

I have had every immune test I could find in Dr. Beer's book and on the immune forum. I also consulted Dr. Karen Pace who suggested more. Dr. Kim may have others or she may interrupt them differently. All immune tests have been covered so that is not an issue.I also read that Dr, Kim does work with US for uterine blood flow. I have many blood clotting issues so I am thinking that maybe she could be on to something with me.If possible, I would like to contact their office, send them my records, get a list of blood tests needed, so I can go over the results while I see her.

It is hard to give up and stop searching for possibilities. I started to look into adoption. I requested an info packet which was  a big step for me, but I have not told DH. I thought that maybe I would start the process slowly and pursue Dr. Kim at the same time.

Susan Sarandon Speaks about Endometriois

I saw this on FB and thought it was worth passing on.

Actress Susan Sarandon was a guest speaker at the Endometriosis Foundation of America's 2011 Blossom Ball hosted at the New York Public Library To learn more about the foundation & endometriosis please visit their website: www.endofound.org

3rd Blogiversary

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Going Topless

Yep, today I was topless. I bet  I got your attention now! =0  Today I had my first mammogram. Not sure if I should celebrate or not. At least now it gives me something in common with other women. We can swap stories. I have two maternal aunts with BC so I had been thinking about it for a long time. I guess I spent the last 6 years worrying about my lower half and I finally got around to the top half.

I have heard horror stories for years about how much it hurts when they squeeze your bbs. Well today was the day to finally find out. I decided to be nice to myself and I took the whole day off from work. Why not? I thought who knows if the dr gets back up etc, I do not want to worry about getting back late.

I got there and discovered that this image place was just for mammograms.  Everyone was very nice. I got my gown on which opened in the front. I went in and the nurse knew it was my first time. I felt like I was getting initiated. She walked me through everything. Then she said that for some women it was the most excruciating pain ever and others don't blink.....OK well thanks for that warning.  She did not know my IF history. She has no idea how many times I had had my cervix messed with for procedures and that is a real nasty pain.

I was feeling shy. It was funny to me that I have had my lower bits exposed millions of times so I don't care, but the top half was different. She grabbed my boob and put it on the plate. Then she squeezed it in a vice.......YEP a vice. It did not really hurt like a pain, but it hurt like a giant pinch. Thankfully the pinch only lasted for a short time. She did four different poses. So she kept grabbing boobs and moving them around. It was not fun, but considering it might save my life it was not that bad at all. I have had way worse. When I got dressed I saw red marks all over my chest.

She showed me the photos. From what I can tell they looked fine, but who knows. The tech is not legally allowed to interpret the scans. She said I would get a call back for another scan or a letter stating it was fine in the mail. 

Another Mystery Smell

There is really nothing else going on. I don't really want to write about the 3 day state math exam we had to give this week. So, yes, I am going to write about a mystery smell and hope that I  make someone laugh.

I started to smell something slightly funky downstairs. Of course DH did not smell a thing. I took out the garbage but it did not really have that smell. I lit candles and sprayed febreeze. It got a little better. I was hoping it was just the garbage lingering. The next day, I smelled it again. It started to get stronger. My downstairs is almost all open so the smell was everywhere. It was not really strong, but it was really gross.

I was getting to that point where I had no idea what it was and I was worried that something died. I kept lighting candles and spraying etc. Then I went on a mad cleaning spree to check for anything in my house that it could be. I found nothing.

The next day my dh opened the freezer and there it was.........OMG  It was weird bc things in the freezer do not usually smell rotten. I also clean out the fridge every week, so  I had no leftovers. I decided to take everything out and clean. I was in the fridge but I could not tell what it was. I started to take things out and then it hit me.......OMG

It was a small container of black beans that I had opened a few days ago. They were in a plastic container with a screw top. It was so gross, that I had to take it outside to open the container. I probably should have just thrown the whole thing out. EWWWWWWWWWW what a foul smell.

I checked online, I guess beans only last in the fridge for a few days. I thought they would be ok for a week.
WHO KNEW?????

I was trying to be healthy by  having  salad for lunch. I would open a can of beans on Sunday and put them in the container. I had several small containers of various items like celery, tomatoes, carrots, peppers etc.  Then I would put some of each item on my salad every day in the morning before work.

I am too grossed out to eat beans for awhile.

Surgery Number 7

So after taking a long break. I decided that I was well rested. I went back for surgery number 7. This one was the easiest so far bc it was just a simple hysteroscopy. Let's call it a spring cleaning.

I had my first hysteroscopy four years ago when they found uterine polyps. I had my second one last year and again they found micro polyps all over. This time they found about 6 larger polyps. I am not sure if this is better or worse than having tons of micro poylps.With the micro polyps you need to get scraped out which causes more pain and bleeding afterwards. This time with them being larger, he was able to cut them out, so I had minimal bleeding.

The procedure went really smooth. Being that it was number 7, I was well prepared. I got dressed in my rubber soled slippers, drawstring pajama pants and shirt, and a zip up sweatshirt.  We got there and everything went on schedule. I also made sure DH was prepared to sit around and wait. I had to pack him an activity bag with snacks, paper/pen, music, laptop etc. I wanted him to remain calm and not get grumpy.

I had to answer them same list of questions over and over from different people. For the first time when they asked me if I was allergic to anything, I had to say Dillaudid. Last year I got a mega rash from head to toe from it. I also mentioned that most times, something made me vomit despite them telling me they put something in my IV to prevent that. I got thinking about it, I asked them if I could go easier on the pain med. My GI system is very sensitive to narcotic pain meds, and I think that is what really makes me sick.

The anesthesiologist was really great. She listened to my concerns. She said she would go really light on the sleep meds, not use narcotics unless really needed. She said they would use a stronger local block.

When I woke up I was alert and pain free. I was still in the OR and my legs were still up which meant my bottom was out in the open. I was still groggy but BRRRR it was cold. I could not complain bc I requested that they go light with my meds.

After that it was great. I had the best transition ever. In recovery, they gave me a heated blanket. After a short while, I was able to just go back to my room, eat my crackers, drink my ginger ale, pee and go home. No pain, no nausea, no vomiting, no rash. It was great to be able to just wake up and get ready to go.

I got home and felt fine. I had taken the next day off just in case I was ill or in pain. So today is a bonus for me.

I am glad that I decided to do this. The Dr said that it was worth it. My DH calls them cave trolls and I am glad they are gone, at least for now. The dr said they will just grow back. I have had them out three times in six years. He said the quickest he saw them come back was 2 months. So my dh and I better get busy. Well after the two week  BD ban is  over from the Dr.

Not So Annual, Annual Exam

About two weeks ago I went to get my annual gyn check up. It had been awhile so I thought it would be good to get back into the habit. When I got there the Dr told me it had been four years............ The whole thing was pretty routine. You know the drill. I was hoping to just focus on my health and not have to bring up IF.

When the Dr came in, she asked me if I was SA. I started to laugh and said, well I am married so my DH hopes the answer is yes. She asked me if I was TTC, I reluctantly told her that I can't have children. Then she asked me about what I have tried...........UGH I should have made something crazy up....but I went over the list again. I know she was just trying to be helpful, but I was not there for advice, I made it clear on my form that I was only there for a health checkup. Next time, I will have to write, please don't ask me about TTC.

I started to tell her that one positive outcome of my IF was that I discovered I had multiple blood clotting disorders. She wanted to know their names and write them in my chart. I was not prepared for that. I told her that I have a huge binder at home full of my info, but it did not occur to me to bring it. She knew two of them. I could not remember the others.

She said if the test was bad, she would call me and if it was good they would mail it to me. It has been about two weeks, I have no idea how long it is supposed to take. ERGH

It had been about 6 months since I had an US at the clinic so I did not ask for one at the gyn visit. Personally, I think they should scan everyone at least every few years to check for fibroids etc. I had a huge one pressing on my bladder and had no idea until I went for my first US when I was having issues TTC 6 years ago.  In the future I will ask for one to make sure nothing grew back.

I did ask her for a mammogram script. Being that I am 36 and have two Aunts with BC, I thought I should start. She gave me the script and I have to call to make the apt.

Spring is Almost Here

Spring is almost here. We have been getting hit with snow that melts the next day. I have also seen some robins and flowers starting to sprout. This is great. I am so sick of winter. A few more weeks until spring break. I am counting the days.

This time of the school year is always tough bc it is right before the big state exam. It is also budget time. Everyone is stressed out. There is a new test and a new teacher evaluation system this year so that makes it worse. I had one observation this year. Now I have to wait for my unannounced observation. Hopefully it will not happen until after the test.

Everyone has been getting upper respiratory infections. I finally got hit with it. My sinuses are killing me along with my throat and my voice. I have never blown my nose so much. I debated about whether or not to stay home. It is hard especially on a Monday. I feel the worst at night and when I wake up. I am manageable during the day. Thankfully I have some mucinex laying around. This is the worst time of year to be out too. I will most likely go in bc it takes too much effort to plan and then the aftermath is too annoying. (The kids not behaving for the sub. Nothing gets done. The kids complain about the sub etc)


I have had a good amount of sign ups for the gift swap. There is still time to sign up. I am excited. I have to pick out the gift that I am going to send. It is nice to have something to look forward to.  You may use this link to sign up during March.     

My TPT store is still going strong. It looks like I  might make another grand this quarter. I am up to 45 likes on FB. I am grateful to have this distraction and opportunity to make some extra cash. I am starting to do some spring cleaning in my store. Update some products, delete others, etc.

I'm really looking forward to the warmer weather. I love to garden and take walks. 

Gift Swap 2013

 

It's official. I'm going to host Gift Swap 2013. Sorry about the non creative title, but it gets the job done.


You may use this link to sign up during March. All of the information submitted will be sent to me privately.  Then in April I will mail you the name of one person. You will send them a small gift of your choosing. This should be something meant to cheer them up. You could also include a peppy note.

 The gift could be anything that you think would brighten up someone's day. Some ideas are candles, earrings, kitchen towels, inspirational framed photos or sayings,  nail polish, scented lotion, bath bubble etc. www.etsy.com has a lot of really cute handmade items. You can search for products by price.

I was thinking $15 and under, but that can change if I get a lot of comments with other amounts.

If you have good ideas for gifts, or gift sites send me a comment and I will add them to this post.

Project Ideas?

This is a hard time of the year for me. Most of my surgeries in the past have all been around this time which reminds me of my failures. My last hystersocopy was last Feb. Three years ago was my big napro surgery. I checked my chart and it has been about 5 months since I tried any medications. I needed to take that break bc I was about to lose my mind. I was really hoping that I would get that miracle oops baby people seem to get when you stop trying.... like everyone seems to believe is the miracle cure.

It has also been hard lately because the weather is too cold. This means going to the mall is my main source of getting out of the house. The mall is crawling with preggos or children which is really hard sometimes. The grocery store has been bad with the stupid tabloids that have nothing better to write about than who is the next preggo. ugh

I have been trying to stay positive. I have enjoyed more time to spend on my dh, my house, and my job. I have also been working on teachers pay teachers a lot. I am now up to 18 likes on FB. 9 are from friends and the other 9 are unknowns. It is a slow start but I'll take it. Thank you to anyone who liked me on FB.

 I was thinking about how a reproductively challenged person could turn their disability into a positive. We don't have any special sporting events just for IFs. I can't really go around giving motivational speeches when I have not had any success. You can't go around with a badge that says you survived IF. You just have to suffer in silence.

I was going to think of a project for IF awareness month in April. In the past, I did a sock swap. I am not really feeling creative right now, but if anyone has an idea of something to swap to cheer each other up, I would be willing to organize it.

Taking a Risk

As you know I have been focusing most of my energy into my TPT store. It has been a great distraction for me. I spend time making products for my class. Then I test them out with my students. Next, I upload them. I am a perfectionist when it comes to TPT so I take  a lot of time to make it perfect before I upload it to my store. I have been getting some great sales from my customers which is great. It makes me feel good to suceed at something. I try to keep my prices affordable and it seems to be working.

I am taking a risk. I decided to create a facebook page for my TPT store. I am going to use it to advertise. You can pay for some ads. I started out with a small budget which is only $1.00 a day.I am going to post new products as well as any upcoming sales.

Time Flies

It has been about a month since I last posted. Wow where did all that time go? I am back in the same place I was last time. Dealing with AF. Time goes much faster when you are not TTC. It makes life easier No dr visits, no shots, no getting probed. No 2WW. No POAS, not getting upset when AF arrives bc you just expect it. I guess life goes on.


Since I am dealing with AF, I had some thoughts to share. Personal thoughts that you don't tell anyone in real life, but if you read them on a blog, you think nothing about it. My TEBB is gone. WOOHOO. Yeah for small victories. I had it my whole life up until Napro. So for about  21 years.... I always thought it was normal until Napro told me it was not. I tested positive for microbes 3 years ago. Then I got treated with antibiotics and it went away..... that is when I gave up tps........yes that is right, I gave them up. I have not taken antibiotics in 9 months and my TEBB is still gone.

I was really disturbed that I had unwelcome microbes in my uterus and that I had icky TEBB. So in Feb of 2010 I gave them up. At first it was hard, bc I had used them for most of my AF history since middle school. It took some adjustment and now I prefer it this way. I know it sounds crazy. I've only used two in three years due to some bad timing with certain activities.

There have also been some major advancements in pad technology since I was in middle school. The best is the invention of wings. The second is Always making them very thin. I use the extra long ultra thin with wings and they are great. I never have any accidents. I only get one really bad day where I use the overnight pads during the day. Even though it is gross to feel it sometimes, at least you can tell how bad it is.  I also wear spandex type shorts under my pants at night to hold everything in place for better protection.Sometimes I  wake up at night which prevents me from having an accident.

Personally, now I am a convert. I'm sure some of you are thinking you could never give them up, and I would never judge anyone. I'm just sharing my story.

Prometrium Drama

I have written before about the prometrium drama at CVS pharmacy. As a review.......the dr wrote on the script to take the pills vag and not oral. The pharmacist told me that I could not take them that way and yelled out the V word in front of everyone.......OMG.......so I started using mail order FFP and had no issues. Well I got tired of calling and waiting for the delivery etc and I decided to go back to CVS. I got a few filled there and it was great bc I could just refill onilne and then drive through to pick them up.

A few months back I got the generic for the first time. It was much cheaper so I gave it a try. OH NO it was not the same. It was much thinner and it leaked out while I was sleeping. It actually woke me up bc I thought I wet the bed. Also the generic has a brown tone to it and you can guess why that it annoying. Well I guess the people who made the generic figure that you will take it orally.

Last month, I had my Dr write DAW the next time I needed a script. The pharmacist at CVS gave me a hard time about why I HAD to have the name brand. I started to have flash backs. I told him that it was not the same and I was not going to tell him why. They filled it but it took awhile bc it was not in stock.

This month when I went to refill they were out of stock again. After a week of telling me they were going to order it, they told me tonight that the name brand has gone extinct. OMG I freaked out. I asked them if other stores had it and they said no CVS will have it. I asked about other pharmacies like Rite Aid etc, they told me nobody would have it. Then they said if I even wanted the generic I needed a NEW script. ERGH

I was so upset bc even if I am never going to TTC again, I still need my prometrium for my LPD which means I will take it for ever. That is another reason why I wanted to deal with CVS and not the fertility pharmacy anymore.

My DH could not understand my freak out. Before I was able to google it, I called Freedom FP and asked them. They transferred  me to a pharmacist right away who told me it was not true. In fact she offered to transfer my prescription to them and fill it asap. I told the female pharmacist about the whole ordeal and she was so nice about it.

I'm sure that this is some master plan by the insurance company to force people to use generics. It would have been nice if they just said use mail order instead of saying that it no longer existed. UGH

Working on Math

So my life has not really been that blog worthy lately. Even now, I am not sure what to write. I feel responsible to write something down. Life has been busy with work. I guess I can write about that.  This past week we had off from school and I spent a good amount of time planning. It felt good to get ahead. We got a new math series this year and it arrived in Sept with tons and tons of stuff that I never had time to look at. With the shift in the curriculum, the kids have a huge gap and we had to spend a lot of time back tracking with fractions and decimals. We also got a new interactive whiteboard which is similar to a smartboard. This past week, I was also able to create some files for math.

I love this new interactive board. It is really engaging and makes math more fun to teach. There are colors and tools. You can make things move around. I was able to make a number line with a slider on it. I have been taking a course once a month to learn how to use new software called ActivInspire. Now I am getting pretty good at it. I had the nerve to ask if I could teach an introductory course to my coworkers and get paid............=) They said yes, bc nobody really knows how to use it and it is hard to learn at first. I have been spending time putting together ideas for that class and making note sheets. The course will run from Feb to June once a month.

I have been doing well with my store at  TeacherspayTeachers.com You get paid every quarter. This past quarter I made $1,000 for the first time  =) I could not believe it. I have not really had much time to work on it lately. I spent a lot of time over the summer making new items. I am such a perfectionist about it so it takes me a week to make something good enough to sell.

OK, now for the depressing TTC news. Enter at your own risk. I have probably said this too many times already, but I have pretty much given up trying. I am still holding a tiny bit of hope for that ooops I did not even try and look what happened.... Last month was terrible bc I got a YI and could not stand taking the prometrium, so  I had a 3 week  cycle..........ergh thankfully nothing bad happened bc it was  a surprise. This month I took my prometrium so I would at least have a normal 4 week cycle. I am at the point where I am supposed to stop taking it and wait. So CD1 will be here by the end of the week......