Updates on Case #3 and # 4

Side note: I solved the mystery of the large white space.  The spacing is normal in chrome but not in firefox or IE, 

We decided to turn down a profile showing for case number 4. It was a hard decision, but it is important that DH and I agree on the case and have no regrets. The bm was very young, and wanted a lot of openness and contact through texting and phone calls. She also wanted us to have contact with the other family that she placed a child with last December. I am fine with visits bc you know how many you need to have for the year. I can commit to that. What this bm wanted was very ambiguous and it sounded like she wanted to be friends and just chat all the time. I was not comfortable with that situation. 

We are still waiting to hear from case #3. This was the one where we are one of two couples and we are waiting to interview. Her due date is in three days, on Dec 30. I am trying really hard to be patient, but it is tough since you are not sure if she will continue with the adoption plan or not. That is the first hurdle, then we have to worry about whether or not she will pick us.  We have to live our lives but we are aware that we are on call.

Everyone has been so excited for us, it is nice to have this momentum of hope around me. I know that this may not be the final case for us, but we are getting very close.  We don't have anything baby related in our house. We usually avoid the baby isle. We know that the car seat is the one thing we have to have, so I wanted to buy it now, but dh was not ready. I took DH to the store the other day to look at car seats. This was a huge step for us.  My plan is to keep exposing him to the car seats every time we go to a store that has them. 

For Christmas I gave DH The Baby Owner's Manual.  He likes to read and this book seemed like it was geared towards men.  I thought the concept was clever since you always hear people saying that babies don't come with a  manual. I hoped that this would be a fun way for him to start getting comfortable and excited about this actually happening. 

Possible Case #4

Side note. Do you see a large white space at the top between the header and the post. The past few days I have seen this and I am not sure what is going on. 

I am still waiting to hear back to see if the BM wants to reschedule or not. I am doing alright with living in the moment and not thinking about the what ifs.

I got home today and saw an email from the SW about another possoble case. The BM is due tomorrow. She is very young and is parenting two children. She placed a child for adoption last year through my agency. She wanted to place this child with the same couple but they cannot afford another adoption at this time.

She wants the two children to be able to know each other and the other couple agreed. She wants one visit a year and for us to upload photos to a website for her to see. I don't much much else. I would like to know how close the adoptive couple live.

Holy cow! I wish I had checked my email during the day so I could have called the SW and asked her questions. DH saw this during the day and never called me. I was a little annoyed. I asked him why he never called. He said that he is tired of all of this......... ugh

He wants us to reread the bio and talk it over. I told him that unless there is a major issue that sticks out, which I did not see, he should say yes. or at least call me and I can decide.

This is crazy! I am so excited..........................

BM Meeting

I am sure that everyone is curious about how it went....................

We were both excited the night before and could not sleep. We got up at 5:30 and were ready to leave by 7 am. It was a three hour drive and our apt was at 11am so we wanted to get there on time and make sure that we allowed for getting lost, traffic etc.

We were on the road for about an hour when the SW called to tell us that the BM cancelled the meeting bc on of her kids was very sick. I was disappointed but I understood that her kids come first. We decided to just keep driving and visit my parents who live a little further down in the same direction.

On the way down, my dh had a meltdown. It was all the stuff he has been holding in for the past 8 years. At first I thought it was good for him to get some of it off of his chest but then he just kept going on and on. I think for me it was easier to separate the pain from infertility from the hope of the adoption. For him, it has just been one long painful roller coaster.

We had a good visit with my dad and I think it was a good distraction. On the way home, dh took a long nap and then we had a long talk. He is really frustrated and this part is really hard for him.

I have lots of flexibility with my job so if I have to just take off the next day, I can. His job is understanding but he has limited days off to use and dh is upset that he might have to burn his time off for nothing. We spoke about how it will be all worth it some day, but it is hard for DH to visualize that possibility. He is not a gambler by nature and does not take a lot of risks.

The SW updated us a few days later and said that they are giving the BM some space bc her kids are still sick, she is concerned about the holidays next week, she is very close to her due date. So basically we have to be ready to  run if we get a call to reschedule.

At this point, with her due date being only ten days away and Christmas in the middle, I would imagine that we might not meet until after she gives birth. At least we would have a better idea if she really wants to go through with the adoption. Then if we interview at the hospital and she picks us, we would just take the baby home which would save us a trip.

Surprise Profile Showing

Today during lunch, my DH called. He was all freaked out bc the sw called him about a possible case. He wanted to know why I didn't tell him. He gets freaked out too easily and since she was not due until April I figured there was no reason to tell him until I had more information.

Well it turns out that there was another case that I did not know about. The other SW emailed me and I never got it. She showed our profile anyway. The BM liked our profile and we are one of two couples picked.  =)

OMG................... so I had no idea that my profile was shown and now we are in the top two....... She is due Dec 30th. But she is starting to have pains and since this is her 5th pregnancy we are thinking she might go early..

We have to meet with her on Dec 17. She wants to meet her top two couples to make her decision. This is crazy. She is about 3 hours away, so it is manageable but not local. Due to her close due date this meeting could get rescheduled, so we have to try our best to remain flexible.

DH was totally freaking out. I told him that we need to say yes and just wing it.  Then he started to freak out about the fact that we have no idea how to take care of a baby and that we only have about 2 weeks to prepare. I reminded him that we have been waiting 8 years, so I'm tired of waiting. I told him that we need to take one step at a time. This is our first BM interview so we may not even get picked.

He told his coworkers and they said they would throw him a shower....  it made him feel better. I am glad that he told them, bc I think it is good for him to talk about it. He never spoke about IF to anyone bc he was too embarrassed. Now he has been using the word adoption more often. When we go out and people ask us if we have kids, he tells them that we are waiting to adopt.

I was so excited today that I could not contain myself. I want to celebrate making it to a top two even if I don't get picked. I told a few close friends and some family.

Second Possible Case

Today is the due date for that first possible case I had. I was sad today thinking about how different my day could have been. All the what ifs surrounding the possible birth.

I am not sure if I feel sad bc it was my first chance at being an adoptive parent or if I will feel this way each time I get turned down.

I finally got around to checking my email. I am old fashioned bc I like to check it on my desktop with the large screen and not the tiny screen on my phone. I was scrolling the list of messages when I saw the SW with the title possible case.

OMG I was so excited to get my second chance. So far there is nothing to go by other than the BM was 5 months along and wanted to have 2-3 visits per year. The SW wanted to know if that was ok with us. Then she was going to gather more info.

I wrote  her back  saying yes as long as she was within a few hours, I said that I assumed the BM was somewhat local or within our state. We will see what she says. Hopefully I did not ruin my chance. I hope saying "a few hours" is vague enough. I have to make this commitment so if I say I will visit 3 times a year, which is every 4 months I have to make sure that I am capable of doing so.

I also said if she was close enough we could do more than that. I am very open to visits. That is not an issue for me. When I first started I was scared of visits with the BM but after reading about how important it is for the child, I am comfortable with it.

So we will see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully the BM does not live too far, bc I would like to learn more and see if this would be a good match.

The timing would be great bc I think that would be April or May which would work out great with my teaching schedule. This would also give me time to prepare. On the other hand, she is only 5 months along so she would also have more time to think about it.

First Profile Showing part 2

I was tired of waiting, so I emailed the SW. She wrote me back one sentence. Something like the BM chose another family, sorry... let's move forward. No feedback, just a sentence. I did not really expect much due to her personality.

So know we know. At least now I can relax.  There are a lot of crazy things going on in the next few weeks, so on one hand I am relieved that we did not get picked.....but that is me trying to stay positive. It would have been nuts, but we would have dropped everything  and made it work. I am disappointed that we did not get picked. =(

It was my first showing so I did not expect to get picked. It was a crazy tww trying to think about it actually happening for once. It is so wild that I could have brought home a baby next month.

My hope is that now we have had our first showing, more will come.

First Profile Showing

Last week, the SW emailed me to ask me if she could show my profile. This was the first time she asked. I was so excited to finally get a chance. We read over the case. It is confidential so I can't really tell you much. When you sign up to adopt, you have to check off yes, no, maybe for tons of items. The SW said that many people have many issues and you never know how truthful they are so there are no real guarantees.

This case seemed to fit within our comfort zone. There were a few items that could become future issues, but there were also many that were missing which was good.  We decided to give it a chance and said yes.

She is due next month. That gave us many emotions all at once. We were scared to get picked, scared not to get picked. Excited at the chance to become parents, scared that we would become parents in less than a month. She could also go into labor early.........

I felt totally unprepared. OMG it was nuts. We had to just put it all in God's hands and not worry. She may not even pick us.

That was ten days ago. I have no idea how long they give the BM to pick. I would love it if the SW would even just let us know if we are still in the running, if she had narrowed it down a bit and excluded us etc. I understand that this is a really important decision for the BM, but it is also a life changing decision for us. I feel like I'm in another dreaded 2ww.

If anyone has any experience with this, please let me know what time frame is normal to expect a response. Does the SW usually tell you if you are not picked?

Confession

I have a confession to make. I gave into the TTC temptation and I regret it. Now that I am over it, I can write about it. I am much happier now that it has passed.

A few months back when I was just about ready to get approved to adopt, someone who I never thought would get pregnant did. It was a miracle for her. I was truly happy for her. But then it hit me. I had accepted that some women just don't get pregnant for unknown reasons. She was one of them. It threw me off that she finally got pregnant after years of not trying anymore. She did two things differently. One her DH got some testosterone treatment and the other was to take a supplement.

I could not control the urge to try something new. So I took the same supplement in hopes that it would be my miracle cure. The first month seemed fine. I had a 28 day cycle and no symptoms. The next cycle was crazy and I had symptoms to make me ponder. I had mid cycle spotting. Then I had intense sore nipples in the 2ww. I mean they were out of control. I was in so much pain. They could have cut glass. I started to have some early spotting, but then AF came on day 25.

I was going to try the supplement for the third month, but then I decided that it was enough. I was tired of riding the roller coaster. I stopped the supplement and then I realized that it had made me incredibly constipated. I usually battle that issue, but once I stopped the supplement I was so regular and I started to get my appetite back. I heard my stomach growl for the first time in a while. AF came again on day 25. This month my nipples were not sore at all.

I know you are thinking that having no appetite is great, but for me it makes me gain weight bc when I am not hungry I don't want to eat anything healthy. I ate a lot of ice cream, bread, and other junk food and gained 15 pounds. I have lost 5 this month.

I also got an email last week about a possible case. I will write about that in my next post.

Waiting Time:Two Months

Today I thought I would check my blog and saw that it has been two months since I last posted. Sept is the start of a new school year for me so I have also been very busy. There has not been anything new to report on the adoption process. We have been waiting for the past two months to get a match.

At first I was content with just being done with all of my paperwork and was happy to relax.
Then reality hit me............We have been waiting for two months and I have not heard anything from the sw. She said she would call me before she showed my profile. I guess it is possible that if there was a perfect match she would have just shown it without calling.

We are going into  the time of year with lots of  holidays and then the weather gets colder. I am not going to harass her yet. I will give it a few more months.

Officially Waiting

The profile books came in a day early. I looked through one and loved it. I was not sure how it would look in print which is not the same as the screen. My text was 16pt which sounds really large so I was not sure how it would come out. It was great. I figured that if someone was not a good reader a large font would be inviting. Of course DH finds a spelling mistake that I made. It was in a title and I  wrote Altanta, erggh so I was really upset for about a minute and debated about reprinting them. Then I thought abut the money and time I would waste and just ignored it.

I drove over to the agency and I handed her my profile books.  Even though my agency is national, it seems that they focus on the states in their local area. She wanted 5 books for the 3 offices in my state and one in two  other states. So for now it seems that I could travel to one of three states, but they are all close enough to drive to.

I wanted to get her impression of my book and get on her good side. We had a great chat that lasted for almost 45 min. She loved our book. The cover is blue with white swirls and we are wearing blue outfits.... honestly that was not planned but it looks nice. She went through and oohed and ahhed over it. It made me feel great. She loved the colorful backgrounds. We made the left and right pages the same color but then we made every two pages a different color. I used, purple, blue, yellow, green, and pink.

I have lots of pictures so if someone just looks at it you can still get a good idea. The SW said she can tell that we are happy, and have lots of hobbies. She did not catch the spelling error. =) I did provide text for those who wanted to learn more, but since the text is 16pt it is not as much as you might think.

I am very excited to announce that we are officially waiting to get matched.

I ordered My Books

My DH's friend came through for us with a couple photo from their wedding. I was so happy bc it was a nice photo of us outside. YEAH  Then I had my best friend edit the book for spelling, grammar etc. Then we looked it over again. I made a few small changes.

I got to the point where I had to just order them before I went mad worrying about it. Shutterfly usually has coupons, so I found one for 30% off, free shipping, and free upgrade to expedited shipping. The SW wanted 5 copies, so I ordered another one for us to keep bc you never know who you might run into. Each book was $30, plus tax and shipping. I put in all the codes to see what would happen. The 30% and free shipping both came off. Then I saw that free shipping could take 2-3 weeks.

I decided to use the upgrade for expedited shipping instead of free. I paid $30 for the shipping but it should get here on August 15.  I am so excited!!!! I will drive the books over to the agency the day I get them.

Today I also got a completed final draft of the home study in the mail. They sent me one to keep, and one to sign and return. HMMM that is interesting that they needed a signed copy all along bc I have requested this document about four times. I will just bring it to them when I deliver the books.

So now I can relax for a few days. =)

First Draft of Profile Book

The indecision of not knowing what agency to go with was giving us too much anxiety. I finally put my foot down and made DH sign the contract. I told him that I know he will mourn the $8,000 bc we spent years sacrificing to save up that money for our down payment on our dream home. He started to list all the things we could do with that money. We talked about how taking out a car loan for $10,000 and making payments on it is different than giving up you worked hard to save. It is also hard bc we are not guaranteed to get anything for that money, so it feels like we are gambling and we are not gamblers.

I mailed the contract in the next day so we could not think about changing our minds. So I feel relieved and excited to say that we have officially contracted with our agency. There is no turning back now.

I finally finished the first draft of my profile book. Then I had to get up the nerve to submit it to the SW. After the way I was treated at my house, I have been really unsure of myself. I sent in the book and the next day she said it was nice. She only gave one little suggestion but it may take me a few days to fix it.

On the cover I put two separate photos of us instead of a couple. I did this on purpose bc  they were our best and most recent photos. It has been really hard to get an updated couple shot. I have tried many times in the past year. Everyone had a couple shot on the cover, so I wanted to stand out. The SW wants us to have a couple photo.

I don't have any that are current and nice. The photo has to be nice since it is on the cover. DH's friend got married last year, so I asked his wife to locate a good photo of us. If that does not work, we are heading to sears to get a professional photo done.

How do you like my new blog design? I was on the waiting list for two months. She is great and very affordable. I just gave her a quick idea of what I wanted and she came up with the design on the first try. I wanted something cheery.

Profile Book

I finally realized that the fist step was to just gather photos. I spent a lot of time going through the past 12 years of photos looking for happy memories of the two of us. You need vacation photos, hobbies, etc.

I found 135 and then DH found some. The next step was to  uploaded them to Shutterfly. That took an hour. While I was waiting I browsed through the sample book the agency gave me. They said that this couple was very popular.

They are very  cute. They both look the same in almost very photo, so I am not sure if they just aged well or just used recent photos. I tried to figure out what was so special out this couple. They have great large smiles. They seem playful. They had a lot of writing.

After my photos uploaded, I used the storyboard feature which allows you to group related photos on the same page. Then once you are done it automatically fits them. At this point I had over 40 pages. The sample book had 40 and the SW said 20-30 is common. The book comes with 20 and every page after that costs extra. I have to keep the cost per book down bc I need to send 5 to my agency for their various offices and then I might want some to pass around locally.

I started to rearrange the pages, cut out photos, cut out pages. I got down to 25. DH said that you don't want to make it too long and have someone loose interest.

I went back and added more text and took out more photos. I realized that these photos give me happy memories when I look at them bc I was there. When a stranger looks at my photos she won't have the same experience. That is when I thought that this is more of a story book than a photo album. The main focus is the text that provides a story about the two of us and the photos are just a visual to back it up.

DH is going to edit it this weekend and then I am sending it to the SW on Monday for her review. My stomach has been in knots bc I know that she will rip me apart. I have to just face this a plow forward.

The Picnic

I have one friend who is waiting to adopt. She shared a link to a local adoptive families group. At first I was hesitant.  I finally decided to mail in my membership form and go to the next event.

The had a picnic. I asked DH to go. He said sure and we put in on the calendar. Last weekend was the big day. We showed up at a local park and saw a bunch of children playing. That is when he turns to me and asks if we will be the only ones without kids. I had no idea, so we made a plan to go and wing it.

We showed up and were instantly welcomed by the head of the group. She pointed us to the "waiting area." There were 3 other couples who were waiting. We walked over and made instant connections. It was weird but comfortable at the same time. Of the four couples two had been to the group before and two of us were first timers. We ate lunch at spoke about some things, but I also felt like there was a wall. Everyone was nice, I had to hold back tears a few times, and we never really spoke about anything too personal.

None of these couples were using my agency so at least I don;t have to worry about the awkwardness of competing. One of the couples had been waiting a long time. She did not say how long, and I thought it might be rude to ask, she just said a long time. When I went home, I found her profile online and she was the first one listed which means she had been waiting the longest.

She asked all of us if we had set up a nursery. Two said yes, two said no. I said no.  They said that their agency required them to have a pack and go and a car seat bc you might get a call last minute. I thought about the car seat, that is a good idea. DH said that you could just buy whatever you need that day.  I have not bought anything yet. Maybe once I am active.

They also mentioned having a list of names. I said I gave up thinking about names years ago. I tried to be careful and not sound negative and not cry.

I really enjoyed reaching out and talking with others going through the same crisis as me. They said that they meet once a month for coffee and are thinking about starting a men's group. I really hope they do bc dh could really use other men to talk to about this.

One woman asked us about taking infant CPR and infant care classes. The thought never crossed my mind. I guess when you are pregnant you sign up for classes like that through your hospital. She said that she was going to check places that would take group members so that we don't have to sit through all the pregnancy stuff that we don't need or can't handle.

I told her that I loved her attitude. She said that there are days when you can handle stuff like that and days that you can't. She said the same thing about this picnic. She was not sure if others could handle coming. I told her that I wanted DH to see how happy fathers are with their adopted kids.

After the picnic, I felt rejuvenated. I wanted to have what those parents had. I wanted a child and I was ready to go back into the ring.

I finally started my profile book. That was a really hard thing for me to start.  I will write about that next time.

Home Study Approved

 I just got word that my home study was approved. YEAH!! I should be really happy. I was hoping to get a certificate of completion that I could hang on my fridge or show my family etc. All I got was an email with a few words.  I was hoping to be able to move forward after waiting all this time but now I am I am stuck.

My friend suggested Adoption Star and said that she knew others who had used them. They looked great online and mentioned a sliding scale for fees.  I was really hopeful that I would be able to transfer my home study and move on. I emailed them and got a response right away. That is when I froze. I though about it for a while and then had DH call today.

They do not accept home studies from other agencies. HMMM wish she had mentioned that in her email bc  I mentioned wanting to transfer mine. This was a big slap in my face. I guess I just assumed that it was something that you got from the government like a driver's license. So it surprised me to learn that we would have to do the home study over and pay $1,675. Not only is this more but the first one  just took me months to get. I don't know if I can go through that all over again. The other fees would be about the same, except they charge double the amount that Bethany is going to charge to maintain the home study every year.

I was so crushed. Now I am back to where I was. I don't like my SW, but I am not sure if I can handle switching agencies due to money or time. I looked up a few more online and DH is going to call them this week.

Bethany is a national agency but I am not sure if I would be able to work with a SW from another branch. I think there is only one branch in my state. I can't really call the home office to ask unless I am desperate bc my SW will find out that I don't like her.

Fee Contract

Thank you for all the kind words on my last post where I had a melt down. I feel that there may be more coming. I have tried my best over the years not to complain too often on this blog, but lately it has been very tough. I thought IF was lonely, well adoption is lonely too. Most  people I come in contact with don't understand the process that I am going through both physical and emotional.

DH contacted the SW bc I can't stand her. They talked about it, she apologized for being "frank" hmmm the last time I looked up the definition of frank it did not describe her. They did not bring up specifics but made it sound like we were good to move forward. She told dh that we had a great application bc she has had some people with DWI etc.  My thoughts were then she should we wining and dining us bc our records are spotless.

I asked DH to get the final copy of the report or at least some physical proof that we passed like a certificate etc. Neither have come in yet.

I thought and prayed about this and decided to just let it go bc I have taken so long to get this far. The one other agency I contacted during my melt down did not respond.

Today in the mail we get the contract with all the fees in it. $50 for initial application and $450 for formal application, were already paid. $1,300 for home study was due. I expected that since we just about finished it and was wondering where the bill was.

Then I got a surprise. At this moment they want $7,000 for pre-placement and it is non-refundable. I looked back at the price sheet they gave us in October. It was listed on the form, but I guess they way they spaced it out, it looked like something you would pay later on. It did not say non refundable, but in smaller print down further it said all fees are non nonrefundable except post placement.

I tried to figure out what was going to cost $7,000. It listed a few general items. The way the contract is written it locks you in. Now I have to make a huge decision bc if I sign this I can't change agencies unless I want to lose $7,000.

We spoke about it and I want a lawyer to look this over due to the large sum of money. $27,00 in all plus lawyer fees, birth mother medial etc.   I am curious about anyone else's experience with fee schedule. Feel free to PM me if you don't want to post it publicly.

Now I am looking back into other agencies to see what their fee schedule is like.  UGH

Furious

OMG I am so furious, so I have to vent here where I can feel safe and not do any major damage.

We sent corrections to the SW. We corrected misspellings, and some minor factual info. Then we made some suggestions on how to make the information say the same things but nicer. For example saying my father was a good provider instead of  saying that "he only provided income". I took about the part about my sister being materialistic bc I felt that is really had no place.

She wrote me back today to say that she fixed factual errors but kept the rest. OMG I was so furious. REALLY??? I have kept my mouth shut this whole time bc I have to. This is ridiculous.

Then I emailed her back and simply requested that she send me a final copy and  I asked her who was going to see this report.

She writes me back with her phone number and asked me to call her to discuss this. REALLY??

There is no way that I am going to call her right now when I am so mad. What does she need to discuss? I really have no say in anything anyway. If she sent the report, she sent it. I am not sure what the big deal is to give me a final draft. I think I have a right to see it.

Why won't she tell me who is going to see it? I didn't think that she made me or my family look good, so I wanted to make sure that births parents don't see it.

UGH... So I started to search the net for other agencies to work with. It stinks bc most of them want an application and $200 or more.  I am so sick of forms. I am sick of wasting time. I am tired of my dad asking me when I am getting a baby.

I really don't like my SW.  I hope that this home study gets done soon bc I don't feel comfortable with this agency.

I sent an email to one agency asking about the procedure if I had a home study already completed. Hopfully it will not be that involved bc I can't take anymore with this lady.

Thank you for listening. I needed to vent.

Home Study Report

 It has been about 2 months since the sw came to my house. It took me a long time to get over what she said. Being IF is really hard and even though I am starting to make peace with never being pregnant, it is still hard to deal with the feelings of failure. When she came to my house and insulted me it poured salt in my wounds.

I had a hard time not giving up after she left. I had to block her out and try to focus on things in my life that I enjoy. Thankfully the weather has been nice so I am able to go outside and garden. I have a shared mailbox area with my 3 neighbors but it is on my land, so I added some new flowers. When I go out to water it, people always walk by and compliment me. It makes me feel good. =)

The SW mailed me her draft of the home study report last week. I started to skim through it and then I realized it was 15 pages long. My friend said hers was only 5, so I am wondering if my SW it just really neurotic. If you have had a home study done, I am curious about the length of your report.

As I skimmed through I saw that she quoted me a few times about my sister and my dad that were not flattering.  She quoted me saying that my sister was "materialistic". Well, my sister and I don't get a long, and I made sure to choose my words carefully when I spoke about her, so I don't remember saying that.  She also quoted me saying something about my dad only providing income which sounds weird taken out of context.  I was telling her about how my dad worked and my mom stayed home. I spent a lot of time with my mom growing up. I was so annoyed and yelled out words that I won't type.

I thought the objective of the home study was to prove that you are not a criminal and have a clean home etc. She even mentioned how my DH's sister who he never met was "stabbed to death" hmmmm well she was murdered over 40 years ago, but does that have any bearing on my ability to raise a child?????????????????

Well, I guess the good news is that my housekeeping standards are "adequate" with some clutter.

I am trying really hard to keep my head above water. I have to visualize the end result which will be having a child to love and take care of.

I know that everyone has a different experience. I don't want to scare anyone away. I know others who have had easy experiences. I do want to be honest about my experience bc I need to vent and I hope that maybe it could help someone else going through the same thing.

4th Blogiversary

4th Blogiversary  May 2014

The month of May marks my 4 blogiversary with this blog Wohoo!  This blog has changed names and themes over the past four years. The URL has remained the same.

At first I created this blog to help the brand new Gianna Center spread the word and get some attention. Then I started to blog about my infertility, now I am blogging about the adoption process. 

• To celebrate my blogiversary, I am going to give away a starbucks gift card to one lucky reader. 

• To enter, just leave me a comment to say hi. I will pick a winner on June 14.

I teach math and I love my stats. Here they are enjoy!

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Home Visit

I have been dreading this post for a while. I have spoken to my friends and co workers about it. Hopefully you will all say the same things. I really need some encouragement. I usually try to keep my posts short, but it was impossible this time.

We had the third interview for the home study. This was the home visit. When we had our last interview I felt mostly comfortable with the SW. She said that we were a cute couple and that unless we had some major issue in our home she was going to approve us. I made a joke about how I am a teacher and I have "teacher piles" in my home. She said it was fine.

During the course of our interviews we have always given her our best effort and our best impression. We wanted her to know that we are stable. We have been together for about 20 years. We have lived in our house for 10 years. We both have had the same job for about 10 years. I thought that she would have been really impressed. She made comments about how we can't get stuck in our ways bc a child will totally change it all. I understand that she is trying to prepare us, but it is just hard to constantly have someone criticize you.

I cleaned my house, but I decided that I wanted to show her that I was not OCD, not perfect, and that I was a real person who could handle having a messy child in my home.  I cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen, did the dishes, vacuumed, swept, etc. I left my teacher piles stacked neatly as well as a few other items.

When she came into my home, she walked in and sat down at the dining room table. I had cleaned it all off except for a small basket of vitamins. She noticed them and made a comment about how it was unsafe for a child. I was shocked bc I had explicitly asked in the past about the need to have the nursery set up and they said no.

She said that the state wants to see a play area. That is why she had such an issue with our living room. I  finally told her that we have had pets in the past. When we had the pet, the downstairs looked totally different bc we had to make space for his needs. We also let the pet run around supervised so we could not have things on the floor. I also said that when our friends come over with kids, we move stuff off the cofffe table etc.

She went on to complain about tons of stupid small items, like my teacher piles and the basket of paper my dh keeps by the table for recycling. She told me to throw them out. . It would have been one thing to just say that once the child is here, make sure you have ample play space. She was very rude and insulting to me. She spoke to me like I am an idiot.

She asked if my house was child proofed. I said of course not.  She asked us about our child care plans. I told her that after 7 years, I am not going to put myself through that. She got upset and said that we were being negative and that we need to expect that this could happen at any moment. I told her that I am going to evolve with this situation as it unfolds. She asked us how we would keep the child safe from the internet. She asked us so many what if questions, I started to get really annoyed, but I had to hide it.

She eventually said that my house was too small and we have outgrown it. I was shocked. My house its not large, but it is not tiny.  We have three bedrooms and 1.5 bathrooms. It is larger than the house I grew up in except I don't have a basement.  I am not Donna Reed, but I am not going to show up on hoarders either.

I told her that we were saving to buy a house but then we had to shift our focus to saving for an adoption. I was so insulted bc of course I would love to have a larger house, but I thought I was being responsible with my money. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So after she left, I was crushed. I cried about it bc I felt that I could not do this. I felt so inadequate and so defeated.

It has been a few weeks and I am still upset. I know that I am so close to getting my home study approved. I have to just do it.  I think these are the final things left to do: a will, legal guardian, fire extinguisher, child care plan. After that I need to reevaluate if I want to continue with this agency or not.

PSA video questions to ask adoptive parents

I just came across this video and I had to share. Here are some quotes from the article.

"Butterworth, 36, and his wife Marisa are the parents of two biological sons. They always wanted to adopt, so daughter Harper – who is almost 2 and was born in Ethiopia – joined the family more than a year ago.

Butterworth was inspired to create the tutorial after one of their first outings with Harper, to a restaurant where the waitress peppered the Butterworths with some of the inappropriate questions featured in the video.

“I really, really, really don’t think that people are trying to be mean” Butterworth told TODAY Moms.

“People are curious — that’s human nature and it’s natural to ask questions… so we were thinking, what’s a way that we could help people just put language around it?”"

Second Interview

Wow it's been a month since my last post. Sorry to be  a slacker. Life has been busy.
We had our second interview for the home study a few weeks back. I was not in love with the outcome so I avoided blogging about it.

This time we were separated which is  a requirement by state law. My dh went first. While they were talking  I read magazines. The secretary speaks to me off and on. He was in there for about an hour.

When it was my turn, she asked me some questions and I knew all the answers bc they were mostly about me. Then she had a ton of what if questions. I did my best to answer them but I told her that there are so many variables and I don't know what that child's personality is going to be.  I understand that she wants us to be prepared but she started to scare me. She mentioned how bm will lie about drug and alcohol use. She kept going on about what if this happens or what if the baby is like this.

UGH it took us 5 years of marriage, buying  a house, getting good jobs etc before we were ready to start to a family. We have always been super responsible. Lately we have been trying more relaxed and "just cross that bridge when we get to it" instead of freaking out about it. Now she wanted us to basically predict every issue that may come up between birth and college.

At the end we were both drained. We each had about an hour privately and then she spoke to us again for about a half hour. I have been asked a million times now about what type of child I am willing to adopt. We already filled out the whole page about race, gender, age, disability, drug use etc. She asked us last time in the first interview.

During this interview she went over this again and got stuck on race. I mentioned that the child does not have to be 100% Caucasian but I would prefer that the child blend in with my family. I want to walk down the street and not have people stare at me. I want this child to feel that he/she belongs.

She was really obnoxious at this point. She made me feel terrible bc she said that most children are African american and that there are not that  many who are white It could take me up to two years to get a white child. She tried to convince me that it was not a big deal. She said it was my issue and not the child's issue. Her adopted son is white. So she really has no idea. Most of the people I know who have adopted have been able to get a child that blends in.

Please don't don't say mean things about this bc I am being brutally honest about my feelings. It is just really hard decide what you are comfortable with. Everyone has their own comfort zone. It is really hard to find someone to talk to about this honestly.

First Interview

We made our appointment for the first interview of the home study, three weeks ago. At first I was fine, mostly bc it was so far away. Then a few days ago my dh started to freak out about it. We had a few arguments due to the stress of the whole thing.

Today was the day. The apt was at 9:00 so it gave us some time to prepare. I asked him what shirt he was wearing and he said "just a work shirt" I got upset bc this is important and I wanted to make a good impression on the social worker. I started to freak out that he was going to mess this up due to his lack of effort. We got into a fight. Tears were shed.

When we get there I was glad to find out that it was a group interview. We sat together on a couch, so it was comfortable. She starts out by asking us if were are nervous...........then I started to cry. Then she asked me about my infertility and I cried some more. She was understanding and said that she sees many couples who come from pain like us.

She asked us each separate questions, but we were able to chime in and help each other out. Overall I think we did ok. She was very nice. She started a smaller agency years ago after she adopted her son. Later on she merged with Bethany. This was my first time meeting her. I felt very comfortable with her. We were in there for two hours. She basically asked us the same questions that we had on our forms. Some of the questions she would ask a follow up question and others were basic. I cried a little off and on. It is hard to stop once you start.

The next time we go in for interviews it has to be separate bc state law requires it that way. She said that she gets surprised all the time by things that people say when they are away from their spouse.

After the appointment we went out to lunch. Then my dh had to go back to work. I am home for the rest of the day. We are both exhausted from the stress leading up to this day and all of the emotional stuff we explored today.

The Microwave

The other day the microwave broke. It started to make weird noises and then I noticed that it did not heat up my food. I had that micro for about 14 years. It had a good life. I bought that when I moved up here and had my apartment. Now that we have a house with a tiny galley kitchen we thought it might be time to get a micro that goes above the range.

It seemed like a simple space saving idea. We would get rid of that old nasty hood and replace with with a micro that has a fan/light under it. Sounded really simple. I measured and noticed that the space that it would go in was about 30 by 12. This is smaller than our current micro, so I just thought that I would get a smaller micro.

I get to the store and most micros are all the same size 30 by 16. So that means the micro would hang down below the cabinets. Also you need a minimum of 30 inches from the range to the bottom so you don't melt the micro.

At this point I just want to forget this whole plan and just get the usual counter micro. DH is already sold on the idea of saving space by regaining counter space. We get home and he says that it is fine. I have a freak out that the micro will be so low that I will get claustrophobic.

He starts to play with moving the cabinet up. He removes the hood which is circa 1975 and original to the house. The wires were hard wired into the hood. I reminded him to watch out for live wires but he does not listen. He starts to pull the wires out from the hood and they hit the metal and make a loud popping sound and flames start shooting out.

At this point I am screaming bc I am worried that DH got electrocuted or burned. He was ok. That is when he listened to me about shutting off the power. He gets the hood off and realizes that he needs help. My friend's dh is going to come over later in the week to help swap cabinets. There is a shorter one over the fridge that would fit in that spot so the top of the cabinets will be flush.

I just wanted a microwave and now I have a hole in the wall where wires are sticking out. I have to wait for the electrician to make an outlet, a friend to move the cabinets, and then they will deliver and install the micro.

I am hopeful that this will all be worth it when I have more space. Right now I have my doubts bc it seems like this keeps getting more and more involved. My first interview is not for another 16 days. This better get fixed bc I cannot have a social worker come to my house with wires sticking out of the wall.

Moving on to Home Study

Good News!

The social worker emailed me last night to say that our state application was approved so now we are moving on to the home study. We start with an interview in their office. She said it was going to be an hour.  ergh so that made me nervous. Can anyone who has been through this give me some  info on what they want to talk about?

Her first opening was the last week of March.  I am fine with waiting bc I need to relax from the stress of getting all those papers done. I am very happy to move forward.

This is starting to get real

On Saturday, I mailed my huge packet of papers (minus that one little guardian form) to the social worker. I put a tracker on the envelope so I knew that it had arrived on Tues. I have been waiting patiently to hear back.

 Today (Friday) I decided it was long enough so I played dumb and sent an email. I told her that I mailed out my forms and I was wondering if they had arrived yet. I also asked for a basic time line for them to get processed. I told myself that it would probably take a few months. At this point, I just wanted confirmation that they were not lost in the office or in large pile on someone's desk etc.

 Not long after I sent my note, I got back this email from her.

 Hi __________ Great job,,,I received your packet and already started processing it. Your fingerprints arrived and your medical forms arrived. I sent you out a packet with two missing forms, and a Bethany Newletter/ Magazine, and a sample adoptive parent profile book (the most popular one). Good job… Give us about 7 to 10 days to review everything and call you back. It looked good to me. Your caseworker is ___________ for the homestudy report, and your file is now on her desk for review. 

WOW, this is starting to get real. Dare I get my hopes up? Not yet, but I am so excited that I finally turned in those darn forms. I started to cry...... but this time it was tears of joy, hope, and accomplishment. I was glad that I was totally correct to just send in what I had and not be perfect about it.

Did you notice how many times she wrote that I did a great job?

WOOHOOO. I hope that you can share in my joy.

Unstopable

It is 3 in the morning. I cannot sleep. I just got out of bed and decided to go online. Forgive me if I ramble or say something stupid.

I saw a similar image on FB that one of my co workers posted. She has a son with severe physical needs.  I am often amazed at her strength. It make me wonder sometimes which cross is heavier to bear. Hers or mine. She probably posted this image to show that kids with special needs can achieve more with the correct device to assist them.

It made me wonder how this image pertains to my situation. I feel like my if is the the small arms of the T-rex.  I thought about all of the times that I allowed it to limit my happiness bc I was unable to reach my goal. 

The grabbers allow the T-rex to do what he could not before. If the T-rex wants to pick up things, then it should not matter how he does this.  

My goals are to become happier and to be a mother. So what are the grabbers in my life? What do I need to assist me? Lately I have spent more time with my friends, dh, hobbies, etc instead of spending every waking moment worrying about if, looking for the next possible treatment, trying treatments, feeling jealous towards others etc. 

The adoption process gives me hope, but at the same time it has been a long process and I am not sure of how much longer it will be or if it will ever happen. I guess it would be like the T-rex seeing another T-rex with grabbers and his were on back order. He was not sure if he would ever be able to get a pair or not. 

Forms are in the Mail

We have one more form left. We have to chose a guardian. This has been difficult. First it is awkward to ask someone to be a legal guardian to a potential child that I may never have.  It could take a few years to adopt and who knows who I would want to be the guardian then. Things change.

You also have to write a paragraph stating why they would be good guardians which includes their annual income. You are asking someone to take in another mouth to feed and another college tuition. We both have life insurance so I started to make a big deal that my potential child would have money to pay for college.

I know in my heart that if something happened to both of us that a family member would just step up. When 3 of my cousins were taken away by CPS, two of my Aunts took them in. It is easy to step in when a child in front of you is in need. It is different when there is no child and no immediate need. Right now it is too abstract.

We are in the process of asking around. At the moment I am waiting to hear back from dh's sister. It has not been easy. It is hard enough to be infertile and not have children. Now the one thing in my way is that I have to find a couple who is willing to care for my possible future children. ugh

I am tired of worrying about getting it all done perfectly.  I spent the last 3 months filling out forms and worrying about being judged. On Monday, I made a photo copy at work of what I had done. Today (Saturday) I decided that I would just send in my 30 pages!  Woohoo!

My thought is that when they get the packet that should plenty to get the ball rolling. Then they will hopefully start contacting my  references, submit my application to the state office etc.The guardian form is not a requirement at this moment but it was in their packet. My thoughts are by the time they notice, I may even have someone picked out. If not, well then they can still get working on other forms while I finish it up. If I had asked them, then I am sure they would have said to wait and mail it all in at once, but now they will have 99% of the forms and it  will be too late.

I am very excited to get this far. The packet will probably arrive at the agency on Tues and then I have to wait and see how long it takes for them to contact me and see how long it will be before I have something else to do. I know that I have the home visit and the interviews still to come.

Our Essays

I am following a blog of a couple who is starting the process to adopt their second child. She found out today that she got approved and she handed in her paperwork in November. Once I read that I went into turbo mode. I told dh that we would get our essays done today. 

We went into our separate offices and started to type away. Dh was going forever while I felt like I only had a paragraph. Then he tells me that he will let me read it tomorrow while he is at work. HMMMM I asked him what the deal is. I said, well I've seen you naked and I think I know all of your secrets. We laughed and he let me read it. Well it was great. He single spaced two pages, while I had two pages double spaced. He wrote wonderful things about himself and about me. I loved it. He said he was worried that it wasn't good enough.

Then I asked him to help improve my sad essay. I did not want him to write it bc it was my homework and I wanted it to be authentic. He gave me some ideas. We had questions to answer. One of them was to name 2 key events. I only had one which was meeting dh and marrying him. 

Then he reminded me of how I wanted to go into science in HS, but then I got involved in an internship for genetic counseling. This is a place where women can test their unborn baby's DNA to see if  the baby had a genetic issue. I was happy to tour the lab and see chromosomes. When I found out that women would then decide whether or not to terminate and they wanted me to see an autopsy of a baby I bailed. 

The only option left for me was to work at the local elementary school with ESL students. I fell in love with those kids and knew that I wanted to spend my life helping kids and not working in a lab.

I am so happy to have the essays completed. Now we just have to name guardians and fill out a paragraph about why we chose them. 

I am hoping to get photocopies at work tomorrow and then mail this out by Tuesday.

Still Waiting

Last Friday was CD 24 and I started some light spotting. I thought ok AF is here. I seem to be on this long/short cycle pattern every other month. This month was supposed to be a short one. It was not really a big deal. I expected it to happen. I thought 24 days was not too bad. Then it stopped. That really annoyed me. I was like ok come on let's go and get this over with. 

Then it happened again on Sat, Sun, and Monday which is today. Now I am on CD 27. Normally this does not happen to me.  I stopped charting a long time ago, and I could not find a post about it, but I think I can only recall one other time. Usually for me once it starts it just gets going without stopping until its over. 

This is weird for me. So of course now I start to go through the whole roller coaster of emotions like maybe I'm having implantation spotting, maybe I'm pg. Maybe I should go buy a test.  Later on it became UGH maybe its menopause. Why do I still do this to myself after all  this time???

I am still very excited to become a mother through adoption. All this paperwork has been hard on me. It has been overwhelming for me.  It has been 4 months since I started the process. I know that I have to be patient but it is so tough. The gloomy, cold weather makes it worse.

We have almost all of our paperwork done. I know that I keep saying that, but we have tons of papers and I am at the point where I have to answer questions about myself and write my autobiography. ERGH, I hate writing essays. I am a math teacher. 

It is supposed to snow this week, maybe I will get lucky and get a snow day. 

Almost Done with Paperwork

I'm getting really close to finishing the current packet of papers. This was a huge one. The cover letter of this packet said to get this all done in 2 weeks. HAHAHAH It has now been 2 months.

We finally got our fingerprints done. It took longer for me to set up the online apt than it did to get them done. We both had to go and DH had to take off from work, so it was a pain to schedule.  You have to go to a special place that is approved by the state for adoption. We walked in and flashed our id cards. Then  you put your fingers on the scanner bc they are done digitally now. As she pushed each finger down I could see my prints on the screen. The form said "you will get your photo taken so dress appropriately." We dressed up but all they wanted was our faces for facial recognition. LOL. We were in and out of there in about 15 min. She said they just collect the prints and then send them to the gov agency who takes about two weeks to process them. HAHAHA I though another 2ww. Well I am at the end of that one so I emailed the social worker for the results.

We also finally got the apt for the physicals. Mine is this week and dh is next week. We have to get tested for TB and drugs. Then the Dr has to fill out a report stating that we are fit to be parents. I can't remember the last time I had a TB test. She said it is the one where they stab your arm and circle the area to see if you get a reaction. I have to go back in 2 days to get it checked.

We have a few forms left. These are the forms we have been dreading for awhile and have put them off.. They are also very personal. We have to complete auto biographies and complete a checklist of what type of child we are willing and not willing to take home. Our new goal is to get all the rest of them done by the end of the month bc that is when dh gets his physical.

FX that I can get this giant packet done and then I will drive over to the agency to hand them in.

It's Not About the Nail

In the video the man thinks he has the solution to her problem. It seem like a quick fix and looks very obvious, but she just wants him to listen. She does not want him to fix her. The moral of the story is to listen to someone who is having a problem and not try to fix it.

I though about IF and how many times I have told another person that I can't get pregnant and they want to offer advice. Even now that I tell them I am moving forward with adoption, I still get advice. I saw this and I had to post it on my blog. It made me laugh which I need right now, but it also reminded me of how people view IF. They think the solution is so easy and so obvious.

Disclaimer: I embedded the link to this video. This video is g rated. Once it is done, youtube will display other videos that it thinks you may like. I did not pick those. I have no control over what they will pick.