Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Huge Fight

I am around P+7, not sure. I kind of stopped charting. I am on the last row of my 6th chart which means I have been doing this for 3 years.. I emailed my FCP for more charts and she never got back to me. Then I got to the point where I was getting burned out on it.

My DH and I got into a huge 3 day fight. It ended with him sending me flowers at work. We have been married for ten years and he has only sent me flowers a few times. That shows how huge this fight was. Basically, I am tired of BD. Being that he is a man, he wants to do it every day. I am burned out on that. Not sure if there is some psychological aspect to being infertile, or if its my age, or hormones, etc 

5 years ago, we had a once a week thing going on. Then when we started TTC we upped it to 3-4 times a week. Sometimes more. Now that it is clear that I will never have a BFP, I want to take a break. Clearly  that was not going to cut it. So we had a fight. The start was the day I had a mole removed from my back. I mentioned that I was not in the mood bc my back was sore. Then he started to try to fix my back problem. I was totally offended that he did not just let me be.

In reality, I would like to take a month off or more to get back the flame, but I know that will never happen. I have been pushing myself the last few years to BD bc I wanted a child. Now  it feels like a chore.

He does not understand that I am just not in the mood at all. I need my space and he won't give it to me. It is getting to the point where I wonder if I want to have a marriage like this. That is how bad the fight was, we started to throw around the D word. I do love him a lot and we get a long so well except for that one topic right now.

I told him that I wanted to make a poll about the freq. He said women would down play and men would exaggerate.

I hate to say it, but if we had kids, we would not have so much free time and we would not have so much alone time. Then he would have to learn to adjust.


  1. Honest to God, we have sex about 5 times a month. I used to be the hornball while my husband could go months! Killed me. We used to fight about it all the time, and I did think about divorce. I wasn't sure I could live in a marriage that went year(s) without sex. But we muscled through, found a medical reason for the low libido (finally!) and fixed it.

    I don't know if its because I'm 8 years older or just lazier, but I'm pretty happy with our 5 times a month. We usually use 3 days of fertile time, but other than that, its whenever we feel like it.

  2. It's not happening as much around here, as much as I'd like. Beyond fertile days, it's very very seldom. He's just tired! I asked him to ask his dr. about it, but men don't talk about that, is what he says. I got embarrased to take my chart to the dr. He reminded me that we need to put all the "I"'s on the chart, not just during fertile days. I laughed it off. I have no more than 5 "I"'s in a month.

  3. I can completely understand. I feel the same way. Sex just isn't enjoyable for me right now. It just brings up painful memories and the dreaded "hope" that maybe I just might be pregnant. I hate it. Right now, my husband and I are not even living at the same address. It got to the point that I just needed my space. I've told him that I want a break from sex too. In my mind, I could go a few months. It's all very complicated but it all revolves around the pain of IF. A person can only take so much and I think the perception of sex during IF can be very different between the woman and the man. Just another challenge we have to face. I am praying for you and hope you husband realizes and respects your feelings and choices.

  4. If you don't want to have sex, you don't want to have sex. You should not be made to feel guilty about not wanting it, or even worse, obligated to do it.

    I have struggled a lot with my lack of desire since being diagnosed IF. My therapist knows a lot about sex therapy, and some of the exercises that she gives me and my DH actually start with taking a break from intercourse! Like you can cuddle, snuggle, kiss, but NOT touch each others' erogenous zones. This has really helped me begin to reawaken my desire.

    But your man has to consent to a few weeks or months of abstinence. Wouldn't having sex with a woman who feels coerced be much worse than not having sex at all?

  5. BD is complicated with IF issues. Maybe it is a good idea to book a session with a counsellor? Can't hurt. Talking these things through can often help loads.

  6. I cannot believe he got that angry with you!! Sex everyday?! He should thank his lucky stars. We do it about once a month and same with most of my friends (an "older" crowd - 30s and 40s). The problem is that he is putting his wants and needs in front of yours and is being a selfish ass. This will translate to other areas of your life, especially if you do have a family. He won't want to help around the house or with the kids, he will be too tired, but then he will go to bed demanding sex. Divorce is not out of the question, who wants to live with such a jerk?!

  7. Wow. This is such a tough issue. As someone who struggled with infertility for 10 years, I get why you feel the way you do. I've been there. Even after our NaPro miracle, I still have very little desire. I am just tired! My husband and I frequently discuss this issue (weekly or more often). His desire is really high, as is the case for many men. He would like to have sex several times a day! It's a sensitive issue and a very frustrating one as well. For both of us. One of the things that really helped us was when my hubby realized that he thought about sex as often as I thought about our infertility. It helped him to put into perspective how often I thought/mourned over our lack of children. I don't know much of anything about you or your situation, so I hope you will not take offense to what I have to say, but I want to encourage you to do the same...but from the other side. He may be thinking about sex as much as you think about your infertility (which, if you're anything like me, is pretty much all the time). So maybe you can at least understand why your proposal to not have sex for several weeks/months may be devastating for him and may make him feel rejected and unloved (even though that's clearly not the case). Perhaps you do need this break and it's the right thing for you, but I just wanted to point out how difficult this request could be for him. I would also agree with other posters that a counselor may be very helpful as well. I will say a prayer that you both are able to better understand each others needs/desires in this sensitive area.


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