Saturday, September 28, 2013

New Cycle Pattern

Since I am now moving on to adoption, I no longer chart. I no longer worry about TTC. There have been many freeing moments. No more rushing to the dr in the middle of my work day. No more worrying about ordering meds, taking meds, etc. In fact, I stopped taking all meds, I even stopped taking my vitamins. I wanted to experience freedom from all aspects of IF.

Due to my short post peak phase. I usually take progesterone post peak.  For me this is about CD15. This month I totally forgot. I remembered around CD20. My thought was oh well whatever which was very freeing. I had a wedding coming up later this month so I thought AF would show up early. In the few times that I did not take progesterone, my cycle would only last 3 weeks.

Well CD 21 came and went with no sign of AF. Then I got to CD28. Then it was a day  later and I started to freak out. First I got excited and thought some miracle happened. You know bc I stopped everything and gave up. Then  two days later, I got back into reality and thought maybe it was menopause.

I finally told my DH and asked him if we should test. He said no, wait for another week. UGH it was driving me nuts. He said that most likely after stopping all my meds and vitamins, my body went into some type of shock.

He was probably right. Before napro I always had 28 day cycles but my peak day was late around cd 21. With napro my peak day moved up to 15 but I would only have 21 day cycles without meds.  So now I could be having a totally normal cycle or just a delayed peak.

Who knows??? Honestly I don't care. I made the decision to move on and I am standing by it.

Well AF finally showed up 4 days late. For normal people that is probably not really late. But for me who was always on time or early, this was major. Now af is here the day before the wedding. UGH

I am not sure if this will be my new cycle pattern or if it will change again. I have not decided which vitamins I want to go back on. I liked to idea of being free from progesterone suppositions but they gave me control over af.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Orientation Information

I finally had a moment to sit down and share my thoughts about the adoption orientation. It was very overwhelming  so I needed time to sort it all out.

The overall experience was good. I walked away with a lot of knowledge and a feeling that this agency is organized. I have a checklist of about 18 steps. The first one was orientation so I was happy to get something checked off.

It was hard for me to sit there for an hour and a half and listen to the social worker. She went over domestic and international. I almost cried a few times. Some of the times it was for me and my loss and the others were for the poor children who are abandoned and or neglected.

She asked us what we wanted and we had no idea in terms of race, age, etc. I said that I did not need an infant that I was ok with 0-3 years old. Then she said that the older they are, the harder it is to bond with that child bc they could have PTS.

It takes $50 to get the process started. Then comes $450 and 6 pages of forms. Then we get fingerprinted and they investigate the two of us. We have to get 7 letters of reference. They visit our house and we have to go into their office for a few visits. I am sure that there are more details I am forgetting. I just remember looking down at the final price of $28,000 and almost passing out.

After we are cleared to be fit to adopt,  we make a photo book for the birth mothers to look at. The sw showed us some books from couples who were already matched. She said that the BM will look at a few books and will most likely want to meet us before making her choice.

She said that most of them want a open adoption. She said it varies but most of them want photos and/or annual visits for the first 18 years. This was another topic we were not ready to make a decision on yet.

We decided to wait until next month to commit to this agency. My dh wanted time to ask around and see if there were any other agencies. Also, she told us not to fill out the first form until we were ready to make the hard choices and go guns blazing. She only takes up to 20 couples at a time and does not want anyone who is wishy washy signed up.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Attended the orientation today

I had my adoption orientation today. It was almost two hours long. It was very emotionally draining. I will write more about it next time. It does give me hope. I am very excited.

I got home today all pumped up and then I saw a letter from Reprosource. It was a bill from a blood test I had last November. YUP almost one year ago. It was really crappy to get a reminder of my failures today. I am trying so hard to move on.

It was for $850. Oh but they are giving me a discount if I pay by 9/23. I have had many tests run by then over the course of a few years and they were all covered 100%, so I am not sure what happened. I will have to email my contact who was always very nice to me and see what the deal is.

UGH so I am wondering if anyone had this happen to them by Reprosource  or any other dr etc.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Adoption Orientation

After SIX long years, I finally made an apt for adoption orientation. I am very excited. I finally accepted the fact that I am almost 37 and I truly want to be a mother. I have gone above and beyond to make this work and it appears that I am just not capable.

It was really hard for me to give up the dream of having a child that would be the blend of my DH and myself. To give up bonding for nine months, give up experiencing something that most women have and bond with other women too.

I had many fears of adopting but I finally decided that I have to just take a leap of faith. I feel free. I started to look on the bright side that I won't have to stretch my body out, ruin my bladder, deal with childbirth etc.

I bought some new clothes and I finally got rid of all my fat pants that I had been saving for the day that I got my BFP. When I went to Target I decided not to look at bellies anymore. I have to admit I was obsessed. I am trying not to be jealous of bumps anymore. I have been pretty good about it.

I started to tell my friends and of course the first words out of their mouths were......................
well of course you will get a BFP as soon as you adopt. ERGHHH now I know they are trying to be nice, but I finally accepted after SIX long years that I will not ever get a bfp so I don't want to hear about it. I want to move on.

When I called, the woman started asking me questions about what I wanted. (domestic vs international etc) I got a little overwhelmed. I told her that I was just starting out and I had no idea.

I feel so happy bc I think that this might actually happen some day. I used to think waiting a year was a long time. Well after waiting 6 I can handle one more.

I stopped getting the daily emails for all my IF forums. I need to start looking for adoption resources like forums etc. If anyone has any suggestions let me know.