Friday, October 28, 2011

My New Favorite Nurse

Today I went in for my CD3 baseline follicle scan. You never know what crazy stuff you will find in there. I got a new nurse. I have been going to my clinic for many years now and all the nurses know me by name. The Dr who owns this clinic closed another one that he owns so he brought those nurses here. We introduced ourselved and made small talk. You have to get to know someone before they probe you right? She was very nice her name was C. She said she has been doing this for 30 years. Good, I thought, she has experience.

Then I had to give her my right ovary's history. It has some crazy things that are always there, some of the nurses have had trouble with it. She takes a look and knows what I am talking about. Yeah. I had a large 45 mm cyst from August and it was still there, but it now has an irregular shape and seems to be shrinking. She said that sometimes when they are large they take a while to go away. It was ok bc it was on my right and that one does not really work anyway.

Then she goes to the left. It was a clean slate. YEAH. That means no new cyst!!! Hoorah this is a big deal for me. Then she wins me over and becomes my favorite. She took her time to really check me out. A lot of the nurses do not bother and they just rush. She started to look at my antral follicle count. None of the nurses had ever bothered to count them before. She counts then and tells me the number. I asked her what is normal. She says that it varies so I got worried. I asked her what she thought about mine and she said it was "nice" NICE NICE NICE OH YEAH. I was so excited to hear someone say that my ovary looked nice. I got so excited that I feel hopeful again.

We talked about LUFS and she knew what it was. WOW Nobody knows what that is outside of Napro.  I used to request S but now I am going to request C. She seemed to understand me and did not judge me.

I am so excited to have a new favorite nurse......=)

Since I got the BFN I have been thinking about what went wrong. I know that sometimes it takes a normal person a few months, but I am not normal so I worry. I have the lufs under control, the NK under control. I started the blood thinners so now I am wondering if I am taking enough. I go to the Dr for a CBC next week. I am going to try to get a test done to check if I am getting enough. If that is fine, then the last piece must be my uterus. I tested low for uterine embryo protection cells so I may have to find another treatment to address that. I thought the neupogen would cover it but I am not sure. My only other thought is that 3 years ago I had uterine polyps removed and maybe they came back.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Two Years of Creighton Model Charting Completed

Today I started my 5th chart. At first I was really bummed to start a new chart bc that means AF is here. I started to think about how I have been charting for two years and how far I have come.

When I first started TTC back before napro I did a BBT chart. That is when I first diagnosed myself with a short luteal phase. I was so proud to show my obgyn but then he told me it was a waste of time and would only cause me stress. Then I went for two years with no charts at all. The RE did not belive in any type of charting either. The RE told me my cycles were normal bc they were 28 days long.

When I first started napro in November of 2009 I was happy to be able to record some data again. They not only encouraged it but they needed this information to make a personal diagnosis.  Right from the start my charts gave my napro dr some valuable information. (Up to this point I had been labeled unexplained and the RE had told me that nothing was wrong with me.) The first issue discovered was my TEBB. I was shocked because I had it my whole life and thought it was normal. I never ever had any gyn dr ask me what my af was like. They always said I was normal bc I had 28 day cycle.

Then right away another issue popped up. I had really long CM cycles. The funny thing is that before charting I never knew that CM even existed. I remember when I went off BCP that I saw something weird. Now I laugh at myself because it was a large amount of CM. I had never had it before bc I was on BCP for so many years. Then even went I went off them I was not looking for it so I did not know that it was normal. Charting taught me some really important facts about the human body that I did not know.

Charting also helped me to realize that I would never ever need to go back on BCP. At this point  being that I am still IF, and have some blood clotting issues I would never go back on them anyway. But, if the need ever came up, I now have the skills to be able to plan naturally. I wish I was taught this stuff way back when. They taught me about BCP in public school. Around the same time period in religious ed they told me not to use it, but they never told us what we could do. Even at our wedding prep, there was only a pamphlet. When you are 25 and think you know it all why would you bother?? I really wish that class was a mandatory part of pre-cana. 

So back to my charts. Well my peak day was also late around day 21 which goes with the 28 day cycles that appear to be normal but in reality I had a short luteal phase. I had surgery and my peak day started to move closer to cd 15. I still struggled with long cm cycle but at least I was able to get off of the yellow stamps.

So after two years of charting: my peak day is now around 14-16, my cm cycle is now in the normal range. I still need to take progesterone supplements or I will have a short luteal phase. At least AF is predictable which makes life easier when dealing with events, trip, dr apts etc. When I stop the supplements af arrives on the 4th day after. I like to time it so when I need to go in on day 3 for my us it does not land on the  weekend when the dr is closed.

I am so glad that I learned how to chart. I have a record of my cycle for the past two years. I can see the progress that I have made. My charts look more normal. There are patterns that help me to plan my life. I learned a lot about my body and found a healthy natural way to regulate my cycles.

I had my annual review session with my FCP. She is so wonderful. We talk on the phone bc even though she is the closet to me, she still lives hours away. She gave me a good grade on my charts. She encouraged me to become a FCP. Honestly I would love to, but it is a big commitment which is one of the reasons the program is so great. I wish they had a FCP juniors I would love to get trained on the first session. I would go around and make the rounds at pre-cana or some sort of meeting. I would explain the program and give an intro to a group. Then I would provide them with info on the FCP to work with. I am a teacher and I would love to teach the basics and get other women excited about the program. We don't have anyone in our area and it would be great to generate interest. Maybe then someone else would want to become a full term FCP.

I encourage anyone who has not been through the program to learn how to chart. Let me know if you need information on who to contact to get started.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

3 updates in one post

1) Work Drama: It has been a month today since this began.
Here are the old posts in case you missed it. part 1    Part 2   Part 3   part 4   Part 5 
At this point it has been swept under the rug. I do my daily work and try to enjoy my students. At least I do not have to see the adults face to face all the time. I gave this a lot of thought. Even one month later since my emotions have calmed down, I still feel that I was taken advantage of. What will happen the next time an issue comes up? My dh convinced me to go higher up. I spoke to another rep in another building to see what her thoughts are. She was very nice, professional, and unbiased. She took down some notes. She said she did not know the answer but is going to talk to another rep who is higher up than herself. She said this may even have to go outside of our school. I was so relieved after talking to her. If she comes back and tells me to move on then I will accept the fact that she is unbiased.

2) Redbook Magazine: I was so honored that other women out there agreed to help me get our voices heard. Thank you again to everyone who added  info on their blog, forwarded an email, or sent in a letter. I am so excited about this. If you missed the post here it is. Now we have to wait and see. If anyone gets a response back, please let me know.

3) TTC: Yesterday was P+14  I had a cheap internet test at home so I took it and it was BFN. I am still in denial so I bought a FRER test at the store and will take it tomorrow.   AF will not show until I stop the progesterone. I cannot bring myself to stop it until I get a BFN and know for sure that it is over.  I should know better than to expect it to work ever but this month was the first month with a new medication. You know how that goes, you get excited again hoping that this will finally be the missing piece. At first I was mad that I stabbed myself in the belly many many times for nothing. Then I remembered how excited I was to even have this chance. I am starting to face the reality that this did not work. I was under a lot of stress last month and I had two YI so maybe that interfered???

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Redbook’s No-Shame Campaign

Redbook magazine partnered with Resolve The National Infertility  Association to create the no shame campaign called "the truth about trying". The goal is to bring infertility out in the open and provide women with support. There is going to be an article about infertility in the November issue of Redbook.

There is also an online component with videos and links. I watched some of the videos and it made me cry. Here is the link to the videos I think that this could really help some women who feel isolated and alone. I was a little disappointed with the support information. I am hoping that they will add more as this grows. They had some links to women's blogs.

I then checked out the link to  infertility treatments and I was not happy.  The only treatments listed were clomid, iui, IVF, and egg freezing. So I am going to launch my own campaign here today and I hope you will join me.Here is a link to the a page about treatments.

I would like to send Redbook magazine a message from those of us who choose not to do IVF. I would like them to know that it is not the only option. If they really want to explore the "truth about trying" then I am hoping that they will include us.

I am going to send them an email explaining that there are more treatments available. I am going to ask them to do an article in their magazine about napro and other methods such as immune issues. Can you please help me? Would you also send them a request? If you want, you can also include your blog for their blog page. I found the contact information for the editor. Maybe they will ignore us, but maybe if enough of us send a message, they will do a follow up article next month. If you send something in, please let me know. You can leave a comment or send me an email.

Editorial Offices
300 West 57th St.
22nd Floor
New York, NY 10019

Friday, October 14, 2011

p+7 Oct 2011

Today is p+7 and it was the first time I got p+7 BW done since June. I took the summer off and it was glorious. I had no idea what to expect since I just started taking blood thinners and I had a huge left over cyst on one ovary.

I did take a progesterone supplement last night bc I have many months that  show that my progesterone plummets naturally, so now I want to make sure I am getting enough  supplementation. My estrogen is either really high around 300 which indicated lufs or it hits rock bottom like 33. So I started taking estrogen supplements. I take one pill a day that I cut in half so I get half, twice a day.

I went in and after she took my blood it did not stop at first. She makes a face and says ooh we have a bleeder. At that moment I start to freak out bc I am on blood thinners. I start to imagine scary things like not being able to clot from this tiny hole in my arm and bleeding all over the place not getting back to work before my break is over etc. She has me put my arm up and press on the gauze. It did stop with no real issues, just my imagination. Today my numbers were good. e was 171 and P was 14.8. I like those numbers and I was glad to be in a normal range.  Now I have one more week to wait.

My YI came back. UGH I have not had one in years and now twice in one month. So either the first one did not truly go away, I binged too much on brownies and chocolate pudding, or one of my new supplements is causing issues. ergh

Tomorrow we are going down state for  a 50th wedding anniversary party. It will be about 4 hours away so we are staying in a hotel over night. I decided to treat myself. Tomorrow morning I am getting a massage and a manicure. My last massage was over the summer, but i cannot remember the last time I had a manicure. It must be years. I don't even paint my own nails. I am hoping that this will help me deal with my sister and her bs and her new pg.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Next Move?

TTC News: I think may be post peak, but I am not sure. This is the first time since I started charting that I had barely any CM. I used to use yellow stamps and this month I think I had maybe 3 days, but I am not even really sure. I had a lot of variables this month. I had major stress, which I think is the main cause, but I also started lovenox so that could be a factor. I had to deal with a YI, so that by itself or that med could have done it. Who knows, maybe something is working and I should only have 3 days of cm and not 8 like I usually do? I decided not to go back for the post peak us. I am tired of that. There is really nothing left to try so I would rather not know and not worry about it until p+14. They have a hard time any way deciding if it is a CL or a lufs. This will also save me money,. time, and stress.

My uterine biopsy results came back. My uterine NK were low so I do not have to treat them. =) This is great news! I did not want to have to take any more medications. Then something new popped up. My FoxP3 cells are low. This is some sort of off switch with your immune system. I tried to google it but it was really hard to understand. There was an  article about endometriosis and low foxP3 cells. I also saw one about progesterone. I have both endo and low progesterone so who knows. I have to wait to to hear back from the specialist what the treatment will be. This test further proves that IVF would have never worked for me. My immune system is on high alert. It has taken me years to get to this point, but at least I have peace about knowing what is wrong with me. It was terrible all those years when I was told nothing was wrong.

 Work Drama:
Thank you again for all the kind words. It really does help to get some sympathy and know that I am not crazy. I went to the meeting and it was torture. All of the teachers who were at the committee to chose my job assignment and my boss were there. I just sat there quietly taking notes on what he said. I could not look him in the eyes. He made some comments like thanks to everyone for going along with this....this is going to be great.... I wanted to barf. I had a huge stress knot in my stomach. It was 45 min of bs. He would crack jokes and everyone would laugh. ergh.

The next day I decided to do a fun activity with my students. I do really love teaching and it is hard for me to separate my emotions from my job. I had a great time with them. I am starting to accept the fact that my boss made this change and even though it is not the best for my students there is nothing I can do about it. The part that I still cannot accept is that he is allowed to play favorites and exclude me from important decisions. Then he gave me a crappy assignment. I have to decide on my next move. Do I speak to another rep who is higher up and not in my building to see what she thinks about this? I am now afraid of what he might do in the future. I was a model employee and he did this and then he justified it. So what happens the next time I slip up? I feel like I need to cover my butt. I think I will at least speak to her and feel her out before I make any serious decisions.

The summary of my work drama so far: I had an emotional break down, then I got really angry, then I got depressed. Now I am mostly in the acceptance phase and I am not sure what is next.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

moved onto the anger stage

Thank you to all of you who left me nice comments and tried to encourage me. They really mean so much. It let me know that I was not going crazy. Thank you for your support.

I was so sad and depressed all weekend. I would get distracted temporarily and then fall back into it. I started to gain control and not cry as much. Then came Monday. I felt so sick I thought I was going to toss my breakfast. I went in and felt so out of it. I was not in the mood to be there. The kids perked me up a little. I really do enjoy them, but that is only part of my day.

During my prep time one of the math teachers came up to drop something off. She was nice to me. I was surprised after the other teacher reamed me out the other day. Those two are BFFs so I figured she would be mad too. She was nice and we made small talk.  Then I had to run out for an US apt. I'll come back to that later. I was able to make it through the day without crying. Which was a big plus.

Later on, I got an email from the same teacher asking me to meet with the one who yelled at me for something school related. Again, I thought I would get sick. This teacher who yelled at me last Wed has not come by to apologize or extend an olive branch. I went to the meeting today. It was ok. Not great, but not hostile.

Now I am in the rage stage. I am no longer crying about it, but I am really mad that I am getting treated like this. My boss is trying to be nice to me. He is such a two face. I am in a weird spot. I have to be professional but I am not a two face and I do not want to be all chummy chummy like he is trying to be with me. If I push it too far and get him mad he will make it worse for me. I haven't heard back from the psychologist yet but today he emailed us a list of how many students we are getting and he sorted the kids.

 The reality is that eventually I will have to just suck it up bc I need a job and I should be thankful I have one. I do not want to push it too far. We have a meeting this week to decide who goes into which group. He already made a list but he wants our opinions.....really??? I think I am going to barf. He sent this out and makes a big deal about getting feedback.So who's feedback does he really want? Not mine, he made that clear. So I will go to the meeting and sit in silence unless he asks me a direct question. I am not going to waste my time looking over the list of kids and make suggestions when I know now that he does not value my opinion. I am going to pray that I have the strength to keep my mouth shut.

On the TTC front. Wow so I am close to trigger already. This snuck up on me for a few reasons. One: I have been consumed with work drama. Two: I have been dealing with a YI from the stress and it is hard to make observations when you are using that medication. I went in for my US apt Monday and on the left there was a 13 and a 17. On the right was such a mess. The same old endo and cyst that are always there. Now there is a large 45mm cyst that has been there for the past 3 weeks. I am hoping that goes away with my next cycle and that it is not going to joing the neighborhood

 I decided to take the neupgoen Monday, and then the trigger either Tues or wed depending on what the OPK said. You can take the neupogen one to two days before trigger. I have been taking the lovenox since CD6. I was afraid to try this. I had read about many women who took that and got really large nasty bruises. I have taken it 8 times and I have not gotten any bruises. I started to wonder if I was doing it wrong or if I need more. My DH reminded me that I have taken hundreds of shots to the belly so maybe I am just a pro. Maybe God is giving me a break bc of my work drama. Who knows. I will tell you that this shot burns like hell. You inject it and then as soon as you pull back it burns like a stabbing fire. I have to run to the couch and lie down. It lasts a few minutes and then it is fine. I will start adding a neupogen shot daily after the trigger. OH MAN I also added calcium powder to my routine. You need to take extra calcium with lovenox. So I got the powder to mix in my choc pudding. Yes that is right I am giving myself pudding bc I need extra calcium.

My napro dr called to say my uterine biopsy results came in,but he left a ambiguous message so I am not sure of my results. He said he put a report in the mail. That was Friday. Now it is Tues and I am dying to see it. I got the bill in the mail from the lab today but no report. UGH

Saturday, October 1, 2011

When it rains, it pours

So with all of this stress I got a YI. UGH; Haven't had one in a long time. They are awful.... I stopped taking the folic acid and I started to take sleeping pills. I thought that those two were making me insane and I had to get myself out of this hole I fell into. I did feel much better and I did have more control of my emotions, but I was still upset and I still would cry. I think I have cried at work every day since last Thursday. So I know that I am crying bc I am personally wounded and feel betrayed.

When I spoke to the rep the other day he seemed to agree with me and I had hoped that we could come to an agreement of what would be fair for everyone. The rep came back yesterday and said that he won't budge. I asked him what the reason was. He said that the committee voted and made their decision. I asked about the fact that I was excluded from this meeting. He said that this other teacher was my representative at the meeting. REALLY? So he feels that it was ok that a room full of people did not think it was wrong to exclude me. This teacher representative did not know that she was supposed to speak for me. Her understanding was she was at that meeting every month and her role was to report back to me any important info. She does not teach math so she did not even think about her role in that. Then the rep told me to drop it bc I don't want this to get worse.

So now what do I do? If I try to file a grievance I will most like lose. Then he will make my life a living hell and I have to work there for the next 20 years. He is such a coward hiding behind the committee like that. He is the boss. He has the right to have another meeting and invite me to further discuss this. He chose not to.

I am a very good teacher bc I put my heart and soul into it. There are many others like me at my school. There are also those who get away with minimal work. Then there are the bullies in the cliques who get want they want. It is so hypocritical that we have this big anti-bully campaign for the students. We tell them not to be a bystander and to stand up for others. I am not the only adult that gets bullied at my school.  My boss said "it's not my fault". Then another teacher said "it's not my responsibility to invite you". They are both being bystanders. It is not an excuse to allow it to happen. It is the same as being the one who is doing it.

I spoke to the school psychologist bc I trust her and she is fair. She is also high up on this committee. I explained to her what happened. She said that everyone thought they gave me what they thought I would want. I said that ok even if that if 100% true, when I spoke to my boss and told him I was not happy he said it was a done deal. She said that she does not have the power to make changes but she will talk to my boss to see if there is any way to reopen this discussion.

I am going to wait and see, but he is extremely stubborn so it would take a miracle to change his mind. I have to accept the fact that I lost and that he is a bystander to the bullies. If he sticks to this, then I am going to have to pull back from the extra time I spend at school. I usually volunteer an extra half hour to tutor students for free and I won't be able to do that any more. I will have to be strict about only reading emails during business hours. I will have to make a set time that I am going to leave school bc right now I am there until 5 every day when I stop getting paid at 3pm. I am not going to correct every single paper. I was bringing them home every night to finish. etc

I am going to try to look at this as a blessing in disguise bc I have always put my students first and I got slapped in the face, so now I can take back some of that time for my DH and me.

*Today for the first time, I am going to turn on anonymous comments. This is a big step for me. I am going to trust that anyone reading my blog will have the respect to write me a private message if there is something  to say that might be insensitive. I have a link on the side if anyone wants to write me a private message.