Officially Waiting

The profile books came in a day early. I looked through one and loved it. I was not sure how it would look in print which is not the same as the screen. My text was 16pt which sounds really large so I was not sure how it would come out. It was great. I figured that if someone was not a good reader a large font would be inviting. Of course DH finds a spelling mistake that I made. It was in a title and I  wrote Altanta, erggh so I was really upset for about a minute and debated about reprinting them. Then I thought abut the money and time I would waste and just ignored it.

I drove over to the agency and I handed her my profile books.  Even though my agency is national, it seems that they focus on the states in their local area. She wanted 5 books for the 3 offices in my state and one in two  other states. So for now it seems that I could travel to one of three states, but they are all close enough to drive to.

I wanted to get her impression of my book and get on her good side. We had a great chat that lasted for almost 45 min. She loved our book. The cover is blue with white swirls and we are wearing blue outfits.... honestly that was not planned but it looks nice. She went through and oohed and ahhed over it. It made me feel great. She loved the colorful backgrounds. We made the left and right pages the same color but then we made every two pages a different color. I used, purple, blue, yellow, green, and pink.

I have lots of pictures so if someone just looks at it you can still get a good idea. The SW said she can tell that we are happy, and have lots of hobbies. She did not catch the spelling error. =) I did provide text for those who wanted to learn more, but since the text is 16pt it is not as much as you might think.

I am very excited to announce that we are officially waiting to get matched.

I ordered My Books

My DH's friend came through for us with a couple photo from their wedding. I was so happy bc it was a nice photo of us outside. YEAH  Then I had my best friend edit the book for spelling, grammar etc. Then we looked it over again. I made a few small changes.

I got to the point where I had to just order them before I went mad worrying about it. Shutterfly usually has coupons, so I found one for 30% off, free shipping, and free upgrade to expedited shipping. The SW wanted 5 copies, so I ordered another one for us to keep bc you never know who you might run into. Each book was $30, plus tax and shipping. I put in all the codes to see what would happen. The 30% and free shipping both came off. Then I saw that free shipping could take 2-3 weeks.

I decided to use the upgrade for expedited shipping instead of free. I paid $30 for the shipping but it should get here on August 15.  I am so excited!!!! I will drive the books over to the agency the day I get them.

Today I also got a completed final draft of the home study in the mail. They sent me one to keep, and one to sign and return. HMMM that is interesting that they needed a signed copy all along bc I have requested this document about four times. I will just bring it to them when I deliver the books.

So now I can relax for a few days. =)

The Picnic

I have one friend who is waiting to adopt. She shared a link to a local adoptive families group. At first I was hesitant.  I finally decided to mail in my membership form and go to the next event.

The had a picnic. I asked DH to go. He said sure and we put in on the calendar. Last weekend was the big day. We showed up at a local park and saw a bunch of children playing. That is when he turns to me and asks if we will be the only ones without kids. I had no idea, so we made a plan to go and wing it.

We showed up and were instantly welcomed by the head of the group. She pointed us to the "waiting area." There were 3 other couples who were waiting. We walked over and made instant connections. It was weird but comfortable at the same time. Of the four couples two had been to the group before and two of us were first timers. We ate lunch at spoke about some things, but I also felt like there was a wall. Everyone was nice, I had to hold back tears a few times, and we never really spoke about anything too personal.

None of these couples were using my agency so at least I don;t have to worry about the awkwardness of competing. One of the couples had been waiting a long time. She did not say how long, and I thought it might be rude to ask, she just said a long time. When I went home, I found her profile online and she was the first one listed which means she had been waiting the longest.

She asked all of us if we had set up a nursery. Two said yes, two said no. I said no.  They said that their agency required them to have a pack and go and a car seat bc you might get a call last minute. I thought about the car seat, that is a good idea. DH said that you could just buy whatever you need that day.  I have not bought anything yet. Maybe once I am active.

They also mentioned having a list of names. I said I gave up thinking about names years ago. I tried to be careful and not sound negative and not cry.

I really enjoyed reaching out and talking with others going through the same crisis as me. They said that they meet once a month for coffee and are thinking about starting a men's group. I really hope they do bc dh could really use other men to talk to about this.

One woman asked us about taking infant CPR and infant care classes. The thought never crossed my mind. I guess when you are pregnant you sign up for classes like that through your hospital. She said that she was going to check places that would take group members so that we don't have to sit through all the pregnancy stuff that we don't need or can't handle.

I told her that I loved her attitude. She said that there are days when you can handle stuff like that and days that you can't. She said the same thing about this picnic. She was not sure if others could handle coming. I told her that I wanted DH to see how happy fathers are with their adopted kids.

After the picnic, I felt rejuvenated. I wanted to have what those parents had. I wanted a child and I was ready to go back into the ring.

I finally started my profile book. That was a really hard thing for me to start.  I will write about that next time.

Fee Contract

Thank you for all the kind words on my last post where I had a melt down. I feel that there may be more coming. I have tried my best over the years not to complain too often on this blog, but lately it has been very tough. I thought IF was lonely, well adoption is lonely too. Most  people I come in contact with don't understand the process that I am going through both physical and emotional.

DH contacted the SW bc I can't stand her. They talked about it, she apologized for being "frank" hmmm the last time I looked up the definition of frank it did not describe her. They did not bring up specifics but made it sound like we were good to move forward. She told dh that we had a great application bc she has had some people with DWI etc.  My thoughts were then she should we wining and dining us bc our records are spotless.

I asked DH to get the final copy of the report or at least some physical proof that we passed like a certificate etc. Neither have come in yet.

I thought and prayed about this and decided to just let it go bc I have taken so long to get this far. The one other agency I contacted during my melt down did not respond.

Today in the mail we get the contract with all the fees in it. $50 for initial application and $450 for formal application, were already paid. $1,300 for home study was due. I expected that since we just about finished it and was wondering where the bill was.

Then I got a surprise. At this moment they want $7,000 for pre-placement and it is non-refundable. I looked back at the price sheet they gave us in October. It was listed on the form, but I guess they way they spaced it out, it looked like something you would pay later on. It did not say non refundable, but in smaller print down further it said all fees are non nonrefundable except post placement.

I tried to figure out what was going to cost $7,000. It listed a few general items. The way the contract is written it locks you in. Now I have to make a huge decision bc if I sign this I can't change agencies unless I want to lose $7,000.

We spoke about it and I want a lawyer to look this over due to the large sum of money. $27,00 in all plus lawyer fees, birth mother medial etc.   I am curious about anyone else's experience with fee schedule. Feel free to PM me if you don't want to post it publicly.

Now I am looking back into other agencies to see what their fee schedule is like.  UGH

Home Study Report

 It has been about 2 months since the sw came to my house. It took me a long time to get over what she said. Being IF is really hard and even though I am starting to make peace with never being pregnant, it is still hard to deal with the feelings of failure. When she came to my house and insulted me it poured salt in my wounds.

I had a hard time not giving up after she left. I had to block her out and try to focus on things in my life that I enjoy. Thankfully the weather has been nice so I am able to go outside and garden. I have a shared mailbox area with my 3 neighbors but it is on my land, so I added some new flowers. When I go out to water it, people always walk by and compliment me. It makes me feel good. =)

The SW mailed me her draft of the home study report last week. I started to skim through it and then I realized it was 15 pages long. My friend said hers was only 5, so I am wondering if my SW it just really neurotic. If you have had a home study done, I am curious about the length of your report.

As I skimmed through I saw that she quoted me a few times about my sister and my dad that were not flattering.  She quoted me saying that my sister was "materialistic". Well, my sister and I don't get a long, and I made sure to choose my words carefully when I spoke about her, so I don't remember saying that.  She also quoted me saying something about my dad only providing income which sounds weird taken out of context.  I was telling her about how my dad worked and my mom stayed home. I spent a lot of time with my mom growing up. I was so annoyed and yelled out words that I won't type.

I thought the objective of the home study was to prove that you are not a criminal and have a clean home etc. She even mentioned how my DH's sister who he never met was "stabbed to death" hmmmm well she was murdered over 40 years ago, but does that have any bearing on my ability to raise a child?????????????????

Well, I guess the good news is that my housekeeping standards are "adequate" with some clutter.

I am trying really hard to keep my head above water. I have to visualize the end result which will be having a child to love and take care of.

I know that everyone has a different experience. I don't want to scare anyone away. I know others who have had easy experiences. I do want to be honest about my experience bc I need to vent and I hope that maybe it could help someone else going through the same thing.

Home Visit

I have been dreading this post for a while. I have spoken to my friends and co workers about it. Hopefully you will all say the same things. I really need some encouragement. I usually try to keep my posts short, but it was impossible this time.

We had the third interview for the home study. This was the home visit. When we had our last interview I felt mostly comfortable with the SW. She said that we were a cute couple and that unless we had some major issue in our home she was going to approve us. I made a joke about how I am a teacher and I have "teacher piles" in my home. She said it was fine.

During the course of our interviews we have always given her our best effort and our best impression. We wanted her to know that we are stable. We have been together for about 20 years. We have lived in our house for 10 years. We both have had the same job for about 10 years. I thought that she would have been really impressed. She made comments about how we can't get stuck in our ways bc a child will totally change it all. I understand that she is trying to prepare us, but it is just hard to constantly have someone criticize you.

I cleaned my house, but I decided that I wanted to show her that I was not OCD, not perfect, and that I was a real person who could handle having a messy child in my home.  I cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen, did the dishes, vacuumed, swept, etc. I left my teacher piles stacked neatly as well as a few other items.

When she came into my home, she walked in and sat down at the dining room table. I had cleaned it all off except for a small basket of vitamins. She noticed them and made a comment about how it was unsafe for a child. I was shocked bc I had explicitly asked in the past about the need to have the nursery set up and they said no.

She said that the state wants to see a play area. That is why she had such an issue with our living room. I  finally told her that we have had pets in the past. When we had the pet, the downstairs looked totally different bc we had to make space for his needs. We also let the pet run around supervised so we could not have things on the floor. I also said that when our friends come over with kids, we move stuff off the cofffe table etc.

She went on to complain about tons of stupid small items, like my teacher piles and the basket of paper my dh keeps by the table for recycling. She told me to throw them out. . It would have been one thing to just say that once the child is here, make sure you have ample play space. She was very rude and insulting to me. She spoke to me like I am an idiot.

She asked if my house was child proofed. I said of course not.  She asked us about our child care plans. I told her that after 7 years, I am not going to put myself through that. She got upset and said that we were being negative and that we need to expect that this could happen at any moment. I told her that I am going to evolve with this situation as it unfolds. She asked us how we would keep the child safe from the internet. She asked us so many what if questions, I started to get really annoyed, but I had to hide it.

She eventually said that my house was too small and we have outgrown it. I was shocked. My house its not large, but it is not tiny.  We have three bedrooms and 1.5 bathrooms. It is larger than the house I grew up in except I don't have a basement.  I am not Donna Reed, but I am not going to show up on hoarders either.

I told her that we were saving to buy a house but then we had to shift our focus to saving for an adoption. I was so insulted bc of course I would love to have a larger house, but I thought I was being responsible with my money. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So after she left, I was crushed. I cried about it bc I felt that I could not do this. I felt so inadequate and so defeated.

It has been a few weeks and I am still upset. I know that I am so close to getting my home study approved. I have to just do it.  I think these are the final things left to do: a will, legal guardian, fire extinguisher, child care plan. After that I need to reevaluate if I want to continue with this agency or not.

PSA video questions to ask adoptive parents

I just came across this video and I had to share. Here are some quotes from the article.

"Butterworth, 36, and his wife Marisa are the parents of two biological sons. They always wanted to adopt, so daughter Harper – who is almost 2 and was born in Ethiopia – joined the family more than a year ago.

Butterworth was inspired to create the tutorial after one of their first outings with Harper, to a restaurant where the waitress peppered the Butterworths with some of the inappropriate questions featured in the video.

“I really, really, really don’t think that people are trying to be mean” Butterworth told TODAY Moms.

“People are curious — that’s human nature and it’s natural to ask questions… so we were thinking, what’s a way that we could help people just put language around it?”"

Second Interview

Wow it's been a month since my last post. Sorry to be  a slacker. Life has been busy.
We had our second interview for the home study a few weeks back. I was not in love with the outcome so I avoided blogging about it.

This time we were separated which is  a requirement by state law. My dh went first. While they were talking  I read magazines. The secretary speaks to me off and on. He was in there for about an hour.

When it was my turn, she asked me some questions and I knew all the answers bc they were mostly about me. Then she had a ton of what if questions. I did my best to answer them but I told her that there are so many variables and I don't know what that child's personality is going to be.  I understand that she wants us to be prepared but she started to scare me. She mentioned how bm will lie about drug and alcohol use. She kept going on about what if this happens or what if the baby is like this.

UGH it took us 5 years of marriage, buying  a house, getting good jobs etc before we were ready to start to a family. We have always been super responsible. Lately we have been trying more relaxed and "just cross that bridge when we get to it" instead of freaking out about it. Now she wanted us to basically predict every issue that may come up between birth and college.

At the end we were both drained. We each had about an hour privately and then she spoke to us again for about a half hour. I have been asked a million times now about what type of child I am willing to adopt. We already filled out the whole page about race, gender, age, disability, drug use etc. She asked us last time in the first interview.

During this interview she went over this again and got stuck on race. I mentioned that the child does not have to be 100% Caucasian but I would prefer that the child blend in with my family. I want to walk down the street and not have people stare at me. I want this child to feel that he/she belongs.

She was really obnoxious at this point. She made me feel terrible bc she said that most children are African american and that there are not that  many who are white It could take me up to two years to get a white child. She tried to convince me that it was not a big deal. She said it was my issue and not the child's issue. Her adopted son is white. So she really has no idea. Most of the people I know who have adopted have been able to get a child that blends in.

Please don't don't say mean things about this bc I am being brutally honest about my feelings. It is just really hard decide what you are comfortable with. Everyone has their own comfort zone. It is really hard to find someone to talk to about this honestly.

First Interview

We made our appointment for the first interview of the home study, three weeks ago. At first I was fine, mostly bc it was so far away. Then a few days ago my dh started to freak out about it. We had a few arguments due to the stress of the whole thing.

Today was the day. The apt was at 9:00 so it gave us some time to prepare. I asked him what shirt he was wearing and he said "just a work shirt" I got upset bc this is important and I wanted to make a good impression on the social worker. I started to freak out that he was going to mess this up due to his lack of effort. We got into a fight. Tears were shed.

When we get there I was glad to find out that it was a group interview. We sat together on a couch, so it was comfortable. She starts out by asking us if were are nervous...........then I started to cry. Then she asked me about my infertility and I cried some more. She was understanding and said that she sees many couples who come from pain like us.

She asked us each separate questions, but we were able to chime in and help each other out. Overall I think we did ok. She was very nice. She started a smaller agency years ago after she adopted her son. Later on she merged with Bethany. This was my first time meeting her. I felt very comfortable with her. We were in there for two hours. She basically asked us the same questions that we had on our forms. Some of the questions she would ask a follow up question and others were basic. I cried a little off and on. It is hard to stop once you start.

The next time we go in for interviews it has to be separate bc state law requires it that way. She said that she gets surprised all the time by things that people say when they are away from their spouse.

After the appointment we went out to lunch. Then my dh had to go back to work. I am home for the rest of the day. We are both exhausted from the stress leading up to this day and all of the emotional stuff we explored today.

Moving on to Home Study

Good News!

The social worker emailed me last night to say that our state application was approved so now we are moving on to the home study. We start with an interview in their office. She said it was going to be an hour.  ergh so that made me nervous. Can anyone who has been through this give me some  info on what they want to talk about?

Her first opening was the last week of March.  I am fine with waiting bc I need to relax from the stress of getting all those papers done. I am very happy to move forward.

This is starting to get real

On Saturday, I mailed my huge packet of papers (minus that one little guardian form) to the social worker. I put a tracker on the envelope so I knew that it had arrived on Tues. I have been waiting patiently to hear back.

 Today (Friday) I decided it was long enough so I played dumb and sent an email. I told her that I mailed out my forms and I was wondering if they had arrived yet. I also asked for a basic time line for them to get processed. I told myself that it would probably take a few months. At this point, I just wanted confirmation that they were not lost in the office or in large pile on someone's desk etc.

 Not long after I sent my note, I got back this email from her.

 Hi __________ Great job,,,I received your packet and already started processing it. Your fingerprints arrived and your medical forms arrived. I sent you out a packet with two missing forms, and a Bethany Newletter/ Magazine, and a sample adoptive parent profile book (the most popular one). Good job… Give us about 7 to 10 days to review everything and call you back. It looked good to me. Your caseworker is ___________ for the homestudy report, and your file is now on her desk for review. 

WOW, this is starting to get real. Dare I get my hopes up? Not yet, but I am so excited that I finally turned in those darn forms. I started to cry...... but this time it was tears of joy, hope, and accomplishment. I was glad that I was totally correct to just send in what I had and not be perfect about it.

Did you notice how many times she wrote that I did a great job?

WOOHOOO. I hope that you can share in my joy.

Forms are in the Mail

We have one more form left. We have to chose a guardian. This has been difficult. First it is awkward to ask someone to be a legal guardian to a potential child that I may never have.  It could take a few years to adopt and who knows who I would want to be the guardian then. Things change.

You also have to write a paragraph stating why they would be good guardians which includes their annual income. You are asking someone to take in another mouth to feed and another college tuition. We both have life insurance so I started to make a big deal that my potential child would have money to pay for college.

I know in my heart that if something happened to both of us that a family member would just step up. When 3 of my cousins were taken away by CPS, two of my Aunts took them in. It is easy to step in when a child in front of you is in need. It is different when there is no child and no immediate need. Right now it is too abstract.

We are in the process of asking around. At the moment I am waiting to hear back from dh's sister. It has not been easy. It is hard enough to be infertile and not have children. Now the one thing in my way is that I have to find a couple who is willing to care for my possible future children. ugh

I am tired of worrying about getting it all done perfectly.  I spent the last 3 months filling out forms and worrying about being judged. On Monday, I made a photo copy at work of what I had done. Today (Saturday) I decided that I would just send in my 30 pages!  Woohoo!

My thought is that when they get the packet that should plenty to get the ball rolling. Then they will hopefully start contacting my  references, submit my application to the state office etc.The guardian form is not a requirement at this moment but it was in their packet. My thoughts are by the time they notice, I may even have someone picked out. If not, well then they can still get working on other forms while I finish it up. If I had asked them, then I am sure they would have said to wait and mail it all in at once, but now they will have 99% of the forms and it  will be too late.

I am very excited to get this far. The packet will probably arrive at the agency on Tues and then I have to wait and see how long it takes for them to contact me and see how long it will be before I have something else to do. I know that I have the home visit and the interviews still to come.

Our Essays

I am following a blog of a couple who is starting the process to adopt their second child. She found out today that she got approved and she handed in her paperwork in November. Once I read that I went into turbo mode. I told dh that we would get our essays done today. 

We went into our separate offices and started to type away. Dh was going forever while I felt like I only had a paragraph. Then he tells me that he will let me read it tomorrow while he is at work. HMMMM I asked him what the deal is. I said, well I've seen you naked and I think I know all of your secrets. We laughed and he let me read it. Well it was great. He single spaced two pages, while I had two pages double spaced. He wrote wonderful things about himself and about me. I loved it. He said he was worried that it wasn't good enough.

Then I asked him to help improve my sad essay. I did not want him to write it bc it was my homework and I wanted it to be authentic. He gave me some ideas. We had questions to answer. One of them was to name 2 key events. I only had one which was meeting dh and marrying him. 

Then he reminded me of how I wanted to go into science in HS, but then I got involved in an internship for genetic counseling. This is a place where women can test their unborn baby's DNA to see if  the baby had a genetic issue. I was happy to tour the lab and see chromosomes. When I found out that women would then decide whether or not to terminate and they wanted me to see an autopsy of a baby I bailed. 

The only option left for me was to work at the local elementary school with ESL students. I fell in love with those kids and knew that I wanted to spend my life helping kids and not working in a lab.

I am so happy to have the essays completed. Now we just have to name guardians and fill out a paragraph about why we chose them. 

I am hoping to get photocopies at work tomorrow and then mail this out by Tuesday.

Almost Done with Paperwork

I'm getting really close to finishing the current packet of papers. This was a huge one. The cover letter of this packet said to get this all done in 2 weeks. HAHAHAH It has now been 2 months.

We finally got our fingerprints done. It took longer for me to set up the online apt than it did to get them done. We both had to go and DH had to take off from work, so it was a pain to schedule.  You have to go to a special place that is approved by the state for adoption. We walked in and flashed our id cards. Then  you put your fingers on the scanner bc they are done digitally now. As she pushed each finger down I could see my prints on the screen. The form said "you will get your photo taken so dress appropriately." We dressed up but all they wanted was our faces for facial recognition. LOL. We were in and out of there in about 15 min. She said they just collect the prints and then send them to the gov agency who takes about two weeks to process them. HAHAHA I though another 2ww. Well I am at the end of that one so I emailed the social worker for the results.

We also finally got the apt for the physicals. Mine is this week and dh is next week. We have to get tested for TB and drugs. Then the Dr has to fill out a report stating that we are fit to be parents. I can't remember the last time I had a TB test. She said it is the one where they stab your arm and circle the area to see if you get a reaction. I have to go back in 2 days to get it checked.

We have a few forms left. These are the forms we have been dreading for awhile and have put them off.. They are also very personal. We have to complete auto biographies and complete a checklist of what type of child we are willing and not willing to take home. Our new goal is to get all the rest of them done by the end of the month bc that is when dh gets his physical.

FX that I can get this giant packet done and then I will drive over to the agency to hand them in.

The Mulberry Bird

As part of my adoption preparation, I have to read books from the agency's list. One of these books was The Mulberry Bird. It is a book written to read to children. There are pictures, but I would not call it a picture book due to all of text. Being a teacher, I love books. I have crates of books in my house for my future children. Now I am sensitive to seeking out great picture books that showcase adoptive families.

My first read through had me in tears. This story is from the birth mother's view. She is a young bird without a mate. Her baby is knocked out of his nest during a storm. She is unable to make a nest on the ground and properly take care of him. She finds parenting overwhelming and realizes that she cannot take proper care of him.

She visits the wise owl who helps her choose another bird family to raise her baby. They go over the positive traits of each bird family. She chooses the shore birds and takes her baby to them. She gets to visit the baby from time to time. The baby bird thinks about what it means to be adopted.

My first impression was a good one. I thought the story was appropriate for an older child. The book cover says ages 5-10.  The language was sensitive. It gave reasons why the birth mother chose adoption, how she chose the best family, and how the baby understood the concept of being adopted.

I started to get too into the story of these birds bc most of the story is about the birth mother and I felt really sad for her loss. I went back to reread some key pages and  pick the book apart. I thought to myself why wouldn't the other birds help her? Why didn't the shore bird take in the birth mother too? Why didn't she take back the baby once he got older?

I decided that this book is about birds so we can't compare their behavior to humans. The moral of the story is that a birth mother loves her baby so much that she will chose adoption when she feels it is the best option. Adopted children have two families that work together to give them what that child needs. I think the book does a good job of showing that adoption can be a choice made out of love.

Moving on to Step 5

My DH must have sweet talked the social worker. She told him that she would mail the forms after Thanksgiving. They arrived the day before. OMG it was a huge packet. I guess you have to be careful what you wish for. I wanted to get moving on step 5 but I had no idea it would this much work.

I had to leave that packet on my table for a few days. I could not even open it up. I had a nice holiday with my DH's family. We told them about how we are working on getting approved to adopt. They were supportive.

A few days later I had a night were I could not sleep. I woke up at 4 am and decided that I would work on some forms. The checklist that was on top included about 30 items. There were  forms for basic information,  medical, fingerprints, things that we need copies of such as a marriage certificate, and agency items such as reading books, fire safety etc.

I took out all the forms and filled in  our names, addresses, DOB, etc for all of them. Even though it was kind of annoying and the teacher in me felt that it was not very organized that we had already filled out that info on the online form, I thought it would be easy for me to do at this moment and get the ball rolling.

I spent about an hour filling out basic info on these forms. Then I put them away. That was last week. There are a few forms that require more thought such as income etc that DH will have to deal with. They also wanted me to fill out my references again. UGH. Well at least I have that info on my online form. I am trying to be good and think about it as the 8 page online form was my prep/rough draft for these real forms.

We had to order a few books about adoption and then we have to go into the office to discuss them. I went to amazon to look them up and the tears started flowing. It was really hard for me. I picked out 4. Two were books to read to a child and 2 were for adults to read.

The books came in yesterday. When I opened the box and saw them. I started crying again. I am not sure why exactly. I feel sad for these children. I feel sad for the birth moms, I feel sad for me. I feel scared about feeling hope that this will happen. I have been disappointed many times.

I  read the first picture book quickly and then I moved on to a larger novel.  I read about half of it. It was really great and made me feel normal about what I am going through. This book was written for families of adoptive parents. So far it looks really great. I am thinking about sending a copy to my parents and maybe copy a few good pages for other family members.

I decided that I will do book reviews in the future and add a book list section to my blog.

It seems that this packet is my application for a home study. It will be a lot of work, but I think that this should hopefully be the bulk of the paperwork.

Step 4.5

DH called the agency and had a nice chat. He said that our online form was accepted and they are going to snail mail us the next forms for fingerprints, physicals etc after Thanksgiving. She said that this could take up to 4 months to complete.

He asked her what we could do in the meantime and she said work on our marketing. I asked him what that meant and he did not think to ask. I can't get upset bc I know how he is which means he does not ask for details.

I went on the internet and did a search. That was a bad idea bc I got overwhelmed with advertising, and I am not even at that place yet.

Then I went on pinterest and saw this photo "Keep calm and fill out the next form."  It made me laugh so I decided to post it.

When we return from Thanksgiving break we have 3 weeks of school until Christmas break.   I decided that I am going to work on my photo album over Christmas break since we have a long one this year.  I think that I have plenty to keep me busy for now.  I just want to always make sure that I am moving forward.

So right now I guess I am on step 4.5 bc I completed step 4 but I have to wait until I can start step 5.

Stuck on Step 4

 A week went by and I never heard back from the adoption agency. I called on Monday and asked if they got my online application. The woman checked her computer and said yes. She was not overly friendly, she was in business mode and I could tell she wanted to get me off the phone. I asked her what is next. She said I had to be approved but that woman has been out on vacation so she would check on Tues and get back to me.

I tried to continue the conversation so I  asked her about the next step (form, medical, fingerprints) that I had listed on my checklist. I wanted to get info so I could start doing that now. She said the forms come from the state so I cannot do them until after my online form gets approved. That was the same story with the finger prints and medical. UGH. She was not very giving with info. I still have no idea how long it will take to get approved.

I waited all week and they never called me back. UGH. Then I get an email that they posted a charge to my account. I went online to the portal and they charged me $450. I knew from my checklist that I would have to pay this amount, but I am not sure if this means I have been approved or that I have to pay this amount first before they will even look at me. It was confusing.

We decided to take a few days to calm down.  I decided to have my DH call on Monday early in the day with some specific questions.

While I am filled with  hope that some day I will bring home a baby, I am still having a hard time accepting the idea that others will judge my ability to be a parent. I am scarred from my IF and the feeling of failure has dug deep inside of me. I am fearful that I will not be good enough. I am anxious to get this investigation over with so I will know where I stand. I understand that these regulations are for the benefit of the child, but it has been hard on me personally. I am a sensitive person.

Formal Online Application Step 4

It took us about a week but we finally completed step 4 out of 18.  WOOOOHOOOO

This was the formal online application. We printed it out first to make it easier to work with. That is when I realized it was 8 pages long. I understand that they want to check us out to make sure we are fit to raise a child. I don't understand why they need to know how old my mom is or what her occupation is. Do they really need to know how many siblings I have? I had to stop and laugh bc the only question they did not ask was when I had my LMP.

At first it was no big deal. I was able to quickly type in my address, date of marriage, etc. Then after a few days of filling in personal details to prove that I am worthy, some emotions started to flare up. It is really hard to fill out a form to prove you are worthy and not think about all of the people who just pop out multiple kids and do not take care of them.  They don't have to prove anything. Even after they have a few, they are still alowed to make more.

We started to worry that we are not good enough.  Question after question started to cause more panic. They even wanted to know what medications you are taking. My dh said that they can get a list of your prescriptions so you have to be 100% honest. He is taking a medication to help him deal with all of this stress. So of course I started to panic that this would cause an issue.

I spoke to a few people and I got a mixed response. Most were supportive and told me that this was just to screen out the jerks and that we are a desirable couple due to me being a teacher. I was shocked when someone said "well you knew what you signed up for" WHAT OMG, REALLY?  Well I definitely did not sign up to be infertile. I did not sign up to beg for someone to give me their child. I signed up to be a mother.

DH and I both agreed that we have no choice so we just have to push forward and have faith. If we are not worthy, then we will cross that bridge when we come to it.  We finally hit the send button last night.

Now we wait to hear back to see if they accept my application. So far they have been really good with quick turn around time. I will give them one week before I follow up with them.

The next step is #5  "paper application, prints, medicals, fee agreement"

Online Portal

WHOOHOO I am so excited. I just got an email that they accepted my pre application. I also got my access code for the online portal. YEAH. I feel so official.

There is a huge form to fill out online but I can work on it and save the draft as I go. She told me that it was equal to 6 printed pages. I had to take a quick look. I know 99% of what they want, so I should be able to hammer this one out this weekend.

The portal is really cool. I have been assigned my own specialist. There is a check list and it shows which steps I have completed and what is next. LOVE IT.

I hope you are going to be excited with me too as I check items off of my list.