Monday, June 25, 2012

Club Membership

I'm glad that I did not get a mailbox full of hate mail. It is just so hard to be on the other side. I am probably going to be venting for awhile. I am feeling hopeless and this is my therapy. Thank you to everyone who has made kind comments lately.

I remember when I was in middle school and the first big separation was the training bra. Remember? I was younger than most of my peers due to my December birthday so I was not in the bra club at first. After awhile it was noticeable who was not yet developed. It got to the point where you felt the pressure to stuff.

Then the next one was AF. Again I was not one of the first to join that club either. I remember the older girls telling  those of us who had not crossed over all about it. Then one by one we all joined the club. Even though getting AF was not the best it was still something that all women had in common.

Now I am again excluded from another club. The baby makers club. This time I am not sure if I will ever get an invite to join.

I am a teacher and that means there are tons of women. Someone is always pregnant and many of them have lapped me. At lunch that is all I hear about. They even swap birth stories at the lunch table. That is another part of the club, sharing the story.

On Mother's Day, I went down to see my mom's family. That was the first time that my younger sister showed off her second child. When I walked in all of the women were gathered around her to see the baby and hear the birth story. I was totally excluded from that discussion. In fact I walked away. Mostly bc my sister is still ignoring me. I overheard someone say that my sister gave birth in her car. EWWW gross. I am not sure if I would have shared  that, but I guess everyone loves a good birth story.

I am in the IF club. That one is a secret club bc you never know who else is in this club. This is a club that you don't want to join but some of us have a lifetime membership.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

it is hard to meet new couples when you are IF

It is very hard to make new friends with people your own age when you are childless.

My husband met a couple close to our age. He started to hang out with the guy. They hit it off. They had a couple of outings and finally decided it was time to meet the wives. We made dinner plans with them 6 weeks ago.

Today was the big event. I cleaned my house all day. We literally spent all day cleaning and preparing food etc. Since this was our first meeting we had to get rid of all the piles and other things. Like all of my medications that usually sit out on the table. My giant pill box. My syringes and sharps container etc. I think you get the picture.  I felt like a squirrel since we had to hide stuff. Who knows if I will find everything.

They showed up with their small child. Who is about 1-2 years old. OMG. We had no idea they were bringing her. I guess we are stupid IF people but I assumed they would have gotten a babysitter. So even  though the child was mostly well behaved she was still very young and constantly on the move. Since our house is not set up for that it led to constant interruptions.

She ran around grabbing things off the table. OMG so they kept getting up and running after her. Then they had to move my stuff all over the place. This made conversation very hard to keep going. Her attention (I mean the mother) was like 2 seconds.

I am a very shy person in general. It was very hard for me to get into this because I was not very comfortable around the baby and I have never met this woman before so I had a hard time getting to know her. Oh and then she breast fed in front of me, I was not sure where to look. OMG

Then we went outside and the baby kept running off. My yard is not fenced in. My DH was barbecuing and the baby kept running over to it. OMG.

They only stayed for 2.5 hours and then had to leave bc the baby was tired and screaming. It was a huge disappointment after waiting all that time and cleaning my house.

So after they left my dh and I had a talk about it. They were very nice and we seemed to get along, but it is so distracting to have a baby around.  It is like when you are talking to someone and they are texting someone else. Yes you are there with them but their attention is elsewhere.

I know a lot of you reading this have kids and I don't want to offend you. It is just hard when you are an IF couple who wants to hang out with other adults and they bring a baby. You are not used to the constant interruptions and talk about baby stuff. Today is also CD1 so I may just be a little grouchy but it was really annoying.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

5 years of TTC

I cannot believe that it has been five years. Most people have stopped asking me about it. When I say it out loud I have mixed emotions. Sometimes I feel proud that I have lasted this long. Sometimes I am embarrassed that most people my age now have two and I still have none. Sometimes I am really mad that I waited so long to start TTC. I had to be the responsible one who waited until I had a house, job, was married. Sometimes I am very sad that I am 35 and have no hopes of ever having children.

I cannot believe that it has been 5 years without even one faint positive test. I have been to 4 doctors: obgyn, RE, Napro, and RI. I had  5 surgeries, and one procedure. I have spent tons of money on dr apts, medicines, supplements, etc. I have spent hours and hours searching the Internet for tests to take and treatments to try. I have stuck myself with countless needles. I have had tons of blood draws. We BD often and my DH likes to tell people that it is not for lack of trying. I watch my weight, eat right, and exercise.

All of my parts seem to be in working order. I have made huge improvements with my charts in the past two years. My charts are now perfect. My tebb has been gone for a while now. My p+7 numbers are great.  I have even addressed blood clotting and other immune issues.

I am not sure how much more of this I can take. I have one more thing to try. I have spoken to my immune consultant about trying LDN. This is used in napro to treat endo, which I have. It is supposed to regulate the immune system. I have an apt with my napro dr in two weeks and I am going to ask him about it. Due to timing, I may have to start  it next month.

 I will give that a few months.Then unless something else new comes along. I think I have to give up.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Contest Winners

CS and all in his perfect timing are both winners of my blogiversary contest. Please contact me privately by using this link Contact me  and send me your address. You both won gift cards to starbucks so please let me know if you do not have one near by so I can get you something else.