Saturday, April 26, 2014

Second Interview

Wow it's been a month since my last post. Sorry to be  a slacker. Life has been busy.
We had our second interview for the home study a few weeks back. I was not in love with the outcome so I avoided blogging about it.

This time we were separated which is  a requirement by state law. My dh went first. While they were talking  I read magazines. The secretary speaks to me off and on. He was in there for about an hour.

When it was my turn, she asked me some questions and I knew all the answers bc they were mostly about me. Then she had a ton of what if questions. I did my best to answer them but I told her that there are so many variables and I don't know what that child's personality is going to be.  I understand that she wants us to be prepared but she started to scare me. She mentioned how bm will lie about drug and alcohol use. She kept going on about what if this happens or what if the baby is like this.

UGH it took us 5 years of marriage, buying  a house, getting good jobs etc before we were ready to start to a family. We have always been super responsible. Lately we have been trying more relaxed and "just cross that bridge when we get to it" instead of freaking out about it. Now she wanted us to basically predict every issue that may come up between birth and college.

At the end we were both drained. We each had about an hour privately and then she spoke to us again for about a half hour. I have been asked a million times now about what type of child I am willing to adopt. We already filled out the whole page about race, gender, age, disability, drug use etc. She asked us last time in the first interview.

During this interview she went over this again and got stuck on race. I mentioned that the child does not have to be 100% Caucasian but I would prefer that the child blend in with my family. I want to walk down the street and not have people stare at me. I want this child to feel that he/she belongs.

She was really obnoxious at this point. She made me feel terrible bc she said that most children are African american and that there are not that  many who are white It could take me up to two years to get a white child. She tried to convince me that it was not a big deal. She said it was my issue and not the child's issue. Her adopted son is white. So she really has no idea. Most of the people I know who have adopted have been able to get a child that blends in.

Please don't don't say mean things about this bc I am being brutally honest about my feelings. It is just really hard decide what you are comfortable with. Everyone has their own comfort zone. It is really hard to find someone to talk to about this honestly.


  1. You really are the one (with your DH) that gets to decide what child comes into your family, not some case worker that you won't even remember in a couple years. Please don't feel bad about what is right for your family. It is all a very, very hard decision. You really are persevering!! Adoption is just so hard and there are so many decisions to make. And you are right, you can't predict temperament, environment, biology or your own thoughts and reactions to any situation. Just ride the waves of this process and trust in Him and His Blessed Mother to come to your aid.

    1. Thank you so much for your comments. I was afraid to be honest bc I thought I was going to get hate mail. I feel so alone sometimes since I don't really know anyone going through the same thing. She used the term invisible adoption and made me fee guilty bc that is what I wanted. I am comfortable being open and visiting the bm, but It did take me awhile to get to be ok with it. I still feel the need to move forward with my life and not have strangers ask me about it.

  2. Oh that sounds exhausting!!! I cannot imagine how my husband would handle all that. I completely agree, everyone has their own comfort zone and they cannot fault you for being self-aware and honest about what kind of child you think you could be the right parent for. I am actually really surprised that she got stuck on race that way. I know we are with the same national agency and at our training we watched a DVD that basically said it's not fair for minority children to grow up in non-minority homes. After that my husband was even more reluctant about being open to other races. He's terrified of the child growing up resenting us for 'taking them out of their community.' I don't necessarily share his fears but point is the agency really emphasized that transracial adoption was not without significant challenges and it is wrong to gloss over them. I'd love to talk more about this via email or something.

  3. Thank you for sharing. I had been afraid to say something for a long time due to the sensitive nature of the topic. I am surprised that our local offices have opposite views since we are both in the same national agency. I would love to chat about the adoption process with you. You can send me an email using the contact me on the side bar. =)

  4. I am wondering why this gal was so badgering to you ... the questions that you "MUST" know the answer to and the race question. She should be using these questions to get information to help make a match, not make you feel terrible because you answered honestly. And I do think honesty should count for something!! Not everyone is going to feel the same and make the same decisions about which child to take, parenting style, etc. etc. We were told to not feel "obligated" or "pressured" into something that wasn't just right for us.
    Also, just because these are your parameters now doesn't mean it will take forever to adopt (God is surprising that way ... he may make this gal eat her hat! I hope!!) and it doesn't mean you won't change your mind depending on each situation presented to you.
    The statement that "all expectant mothers lie" may apply to some women, but certainly NOT all! Maybe this gal needs to take a day off or something and change her attitude. Her treatment would put a sour taste in anyone's mouth!!

  5. OMG, I am so enraged an agency would do this. Sorry, they did this to you & DH.

  6. I have two adopted from China. Most of the time I forget they are a different race. No one stares at us. It becomes so unimportant - race, adoption, their unknown birth family, etc. We don't dwell on it, I don't really think about it. They just become family and that's that.

    1. Thank you for your input. It is good to know how you feel.

  7. Thank you for writing about this. I was so scared to write about transracial adoption while we were discerning it, so I understand your hesitation. I'm working on a post about discerning transracial adoption now, and if you don't mind, I'm actually going to use your point about the extra attention you get when your kiddos obviously don't look like you. That is a big thing to consider and I don't blame you one bit for wanting to blend in!! It was one of my fears too. I really don't want to be the center of attention (or worse, the recipient of negative comments) every time I go out in public with my family. But it's something we're now willing to do... it took us a while to discern and get to this point though.

    I'm so sorry that your interviewer was pushy. Honestly, everything she said was inappropriate. She should know better than anyone else that transracial adoption is not to be taken lightly and should certainly NOT be forced on anyone. How horrible. My heart hurts for you guys. You should have never been put in that situation.

    I'm going to publish that post about discerning transracial adoption probably later this week. I'm not sure if it'll be helpful at all, but I wanted to let you know it'd be up soon, in case you were looking for more guidance. I do not blame you at all if you have already made up your mind and know it's not for you. No judgement, whatsoever!! Just hugs! And support!!


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