It has been about 2 months since the sw came to my house. It took me a long time to get over what she said. Being IF is really hard and even though I am starting to make peace with never being pregnant, it is still hard to deal with the feelings of failure. When she came to my house and insulted me it poured salt in my wounds.
I had a hard time not giving up after she left. I had to block her out and try to focus on things in my life that I enjoy. Thankfully the weather has been nice so I am able to go outside and garden. I have a shared mailbox area with my 3 neighbors but it is on my land, so I added some new flowers. When I go out to water it, people always walk by and compliment me. It makes me feel good. =)
The SW mailed me her draft of the home study report last week. I started to skim through it and then I realized it was 15 pages long. My friend said hers was only 5, so I am wondering if my SW it just really neurotic. If you have had a home study done, I am curious about the length of your report.
As I skimmed through I saw that she quoted me a few times about my sister and my dad that were not flattering. She quoted me saying that my sister was "materialistic". Well, my sister and I don't get a long, and I made sure to choose my words carefully when I spoke about her, so I don't remember saying that. She also quoted me saying something about my dad only providing income which sounds weird taken out of context. I was telling her about how my dad worked and my mom stayed home. I spent a lot of time with my mom growing up. I was so annoyed and yelled out words that I won't type.
I thought the objective of the home study was to prove that you are not a criminal and have a clean home etc. She even mentioned how my DH's sister who he never met was "stabbed to death" hmmmm well she was murdered over 40 years ago, but does that have any bearing on my ability to raise a child?????????????????
Well, I guess the good news is that my housekeeping standards are "adequate" with some clutter.
I am trying really hard to keep my head above water. I have to visualize the end result which will be having a child to love and take care of.
I know that everyone has a different experience. I don't want to scare anyone away. I know others who have had easy experiences. I do want to be honest about my experience bc I need to vent and I hope that maybe it could help someone else going through the same thing.