Moving on to Step 5

My DH must have sweet talked the social worker. She told him that she would mail the forms after Thanksgiving. They arrived the day before. OMG it was a huge packet. I guess you have to be careful what you wish for. I wanted to get moving on step 5 but I had no idea it would this much work.

I had to leave that packet on my table for a few days. I could not even open it up. I had a nice holiday with my DH's family. We told them about how we are working on getting approved to adopt. They were supportive.

A few days later I had a night were I could not sleep. I woke up at 4 am and decided that I would work on some forms. The checklist that was on top included about 30 items. There were  forms for basic information,  medical, fingerprints, things that we need copies of such as a marriage certificate, and agency items such as reading books, fire safety etc.

I took out all the forms and filled in  our names, addresses, DOB, etc for all of them. Even though it was kind of annoying and the teacher in me felt that it was not very organized that we had already filled out that info on the online form, I thought it would be easy for me to do at this moment and get the ball rolling.

I spent about an hour filling out basic info on these forms. Then I put them away. That was last week. There are a few forms that require more thought such as income etc that DH will have to deal with. They also wanted me to fill out my references again. UGH. Well at least I have that info on my online form. I am trying to be good and think about it as the 8 page online form was my prep/rough draft for these real forms.

We had to order a few books about adoption and then we have to go into the office to discuss them. I went to amazon to look them up and the tears started flowing. It was really hard for me. I picked out 4. Two were books to read to a child and 2 were for adults to read.

The books came in yesterday. When I opened the box and saw them. I started crying again. I am not sure why exactly. I feel sad for these children. I feel sad for the birth moms, I feel sad for me. I feel scared about feeling hope that this will happen. I have been disappointed many times.

I  read the first picture book quickly and then I moved on to a larger novel.  I read about half of it. It was really great and made me feel normal about what I am going through. This book was written for families of adoptive parents. So far it looks really great. I am thinking about sending a copy to my parents and maybe copy a few good pages for other family members.

I decided that I will do book reviews in the future and add a book list section to my blog.

It seems that this packet is my application for a home study. It will be a lot of work, but I think that this should hopefully be the bulk of the paperwork.

Step 4.5

DH called the agency and had a nice chat. He said that our online form was accepted and they are going to snail mail us the next forms for fingerprints, physicals etc after Thanksgiving. She said that this could take up to 4 months to complete.

He asked her what we could do in the meantime and she said work on our marketing. I asked him what that meant and he did not think to ask. I can't get upset bc I know how he is which means he does not ask for details.

I went on the internet and did a search. That was a bad idea bc I got overwhelmed with advertising, and I am not even at that place yet.

Then I went on pinterest and saw this photo "Keep calm and fill out the next form."  It made me laugh so I decided to post it.

When we return from Thanksgiving break we have 3 weeks of school until Christmas break.   I decided that I am going to work on my photo album over Christmas break since we have a long one this year.  I think that I have plenty to keep me busy for now.  I just want to always make sure that I am moving forward.

So right now I guess I am on step 4.5 bc I completed step 4 but I have to wait until I can start step 5.

Stuck on Step 4

 A week went by and I never heard back from the adoption agency. I called on Monday and asked if they got my online application. The woman checked her computer and said yes. She was not overly friendly, she was in business mode and I could tell she wanted to get me off the phone. I asked her what is next. She said I had to be approved but that woman has been out on vacation so she would check on Tues and get back to me.

I tried to continue the conversation so I  asked her about the next step (form, medical, fingerprints) that I had listed on my checklist. I wanted to get info so I could start doing that now. She said the forms come from the state so I cannot do them until after my online form gets approved. That was the same story with the finger prints and medical. UGH. She was not very giving with info. I still have no idea how long it will take to get approved.

I waited all week and they never called me back. UGH. Then I get an email that they posted a charge to my account. I went online to the portal and they charged me $450. I knew from my checklist that I would have to pay this amount, but I am not sure if this means I have been approved or that I have to pay this amount first before they will even look at me. It was confusing.

We decided to take a few days to calm down.  I decided to have my DH call on Monday early in the day with some specific questions.

While I am filled with  hope that some day I will bring home a baby, I am still having a hard time accepting the idea that others will judge my ability to be a parent. I am scarred from my IF and the feeling of failure has dug deep inside of me. I am fearful that I will not be good enough. I am anxious to get this investigation over with so I will know where I stand. I understand that these regulations are for the benefit of the child, but it has been hard on me personally. I am a sensitive person.

Formal Online Application Step 4

It took us about a week but we finally completed step 4 out of 18.  WOOOOHOOOO

This was the formal online application. We printed it out first to make it easier to work with. That is when I realized it was 8 pages long. I understand that they want to check us out to make sure we are fit to raise a child. I don't understand why they need to know how old my mom is or what her occupation is. Do they really need to know how many siblings I have? I had to stop and laugh bc the only question they did not ask was when I had my LMP.

At first it was no big deal. I was able to quickly type in my address, date of marriage, etc. Then after a few days of filling in personal details to prove that I am worthy, some emotions started to flare up. It is really hard to fill out a form to prove you are worthy and not think about all of the people who just pop out multiple kids and do not take care of them.  They don't have to prove anything. Even after they have a few, they are still alowed to make more.

We started to worry that we are not good enough.  Question after question started to cause more panic. They even wanted to know what medications you are taking. My dh said that they can get a list of your prescriptions so you have to be 100% honest. He is taking a medication to help him deal with all of this stress. So of course I started to panic that this would cause an issue.

I spoke to a few people and I got a mixed response. Most were supportive and told me that this was just to screen out the jerks and that we are a desirable couple due to me being a teacher. I was shocked when someone said "well you knew what you signed up for" WHAT OMG, REALLY?  Well I definitely did not sign up to be infertile. I did not sign up to beg for someone to give me their child. I signed up to be a mother.

DH and I both agreed that we have no choice so we just have to push forward and have faith. If we are not worthy, then we will cross that bridge when we come to it.  We finally hit the send button last night.

Now we wait to hear back to see if they accept my application. So far they have been really good with quick turn around time. I will give them one week before I follow up with them.

The next step is #5  "paper application, prints, medicals, fee agreement"

Online Portal

WHOOHOO I am so excited. I just got an email that they accepted my pre application. I also got my access code for the online portal. YEAH. I feel so official.

There is a huge form to fill out online but I can work on it and save the draft as I go. She told me that it was equal to 6 printed pages. I had to take a quick look. I know 99% of what they want, so I should be able to hammer this one out this weekend.

The portal is really cool. I have been assigned my own specialist. There is a check list and it shows which steps I have completed and what is next. LOVE IT.

I hope you are going to be excited with me too as I check items off of my list.

First Form in the Mail

This past cycle was 26 days long. Woohoo. I will take it. I think last month was 32 days. This is my second month in a row off of progesterone. In the past when I was off of it, I would have a 21 days cycle. In  my new attempt to move on, I wanted to break free from all fertility meds if possible.

My cycle was very light which is also a bonus. I only had one heavy day where you have to watch what you wear and do etc.  Zero cramps. YEAH!!! So if I am going to be IF at least I will be able to brag about my great AF...HAHAHAHHA Don't worry I won't post that one to FB. =)

I am doing pretty good with moving on....I still think this will take time. I am very excited but I have to admit that I did cry about it once this month..... Hey I am getting better....small steps.

We mailed in our first form with a check of $50. I have to admit that I held out until AF showed just in case....This is the pre-application form. Once they get this I will get access to an online portal and will then fill out a 6 page online form.

I have not told my mom yet. I am not sure why. I guess for normal people when they get a BFP, they wait a little while to tell people. I guess I still cannot believe it it real. Maybe I want to make a special announcement???? I kinda feel like this is some sort of  adoptive parent BFP, where I am really excited but not sure that this will happen or not. So I'm not ready to to tell too many people yet. Thinking about how and when I will tell everyone etc.

When I have told my friends they have been supportive. They are getting me pumped up about feeling hopeful and excited. I have joked with them about needing to hold fundraisers....but I was serious. This is going to be expensive so I have to start thinking about what I want to do.

One of my co-workers who wants to adopt asked for maternity leave and was denied. I was shocked and could not believe that they would discriminate like that. Our contract and our state does not mandate paid maternity leave. Our school has always allowed women to take sick time up to 6 weeks paid. I just assumed I would be able to use my time. I have been saving my time for years to use for a maternity leave. This is another reason why I am not ready to go totally public.

New Garage Door

We bought our house ten years ago and it was a fixer upper. Every year we made a large improvement. Recently this pace had to slow down due to money being used for treatments.

My mom gave us some money last month. She said that she was probably not going to have to pay for a baby shower like she did for my sister so she wanted me to have the money.....YIKES I know. She was trying to be nice, but it still burned.  I did not tell her that I was going to start the adoption process. In fact she offered the money right around the same time. I was going to drop it all in the adoption fund, but we had been saving for awhile and I thought we could use some for ourselves now.

I decided to get a new garage door. Yep I am very excited about this. The old one was original to the house. It was rotting and the opener was totally busted. We even had to lock the door with a bicycle chain lock. It looked terrible from the outside too. Rodents were getting in without even trying.

When we realized we could afford to do it, I was so excited. It was also nice to want something and know that you can have it. It was expensive bc it was all rotted and we had to gut the whole thing out and start over. This included the door frame.

Once we moved all the stuff out of the way for them to install it, I realized that I had never in ten years painted the walls. OMG they were black with dirt. It was a nice day over the weekend, so I was able to open the door. I painted the walls bright white. It was so great. Now it looks so nice and clean. I have a keypad outside where I can open the door. It closes on its own. It is very quiet. The door locks and unlocks with the touch of a button. It is such a luxury.

I am very grateful to be able to fix this. I am trying to make sure that I stop and think about the things that I do have and not the ones that are missing from my life.

I am still giddy when I press the button to open or close the door.  I am trying to focus on being happy and living in the moment.

I have been pretty good about not staring at bellies. I caught myself a few times. I am honestly starting to be ok with this and accepting my fate. I am much happier for the moment.

When someone tells me that someone is PG or just gave birth, my response is still, ok great. But hey small baby steps.

My DH wanted one month to sit with the adoption forms and really think about this commitment. We are going to fill out the initial form this weekend. =)

Let this crazy journey begin!!!!!