New Garage Door

We bought our house ten years ago and it was a fixer upper. Every year we made a large improvement. Recently this pace had to slow down due to money being used for treatments.

My mom gave us some money last month. She said that she was probably not going to have to pay for a baby shower like she did for my sister so she wanted me to have the money.....YIKES I know. She was trying to be nice, but it still burned.  I did not tell her that I was going to start the adoption process. In fact she offered the money right around the same time. I was going to drop it all in the adoption fund, but we had been saving for awhile and I thought we could use some for ourselves now.

I decided to get a new garage door. Yep I am very excited about this. The old one was original to the house. It was rotting and the opener was totally busted. We even had to lock the door with a bicycle chain lock. It looked terrible from the outside too. Rodents were getting in without even trying.

When we realized we could afford to do it, I was so excited. It was also nice to want something and know that you can have it. It was expensive bc it was all rotted and we had to gut the whole thing out and start over. This included the door frame.

Once we moved all the stuff out of the way for them to install it, I realized that I had never in ten years painted the walls. OMG they were black with dirt. It was a nice day over the weekend, so I was able to open the door. I painted the walls bright white. It was so great. Now it looks so nice and clean. I have a keypad outside where I can open the door. It closes on its own. It is very quiet. The door locks and unlocks with the touch of a button. It is such a luxury.

I am very grateful to be able to fix this. I am trying to make sure that I stop and think about the things that I do have and not the ones that are missing from my life.

I am still giddy when I press the button to open or close the door.  I am trying to focus on being happy and living in the moment.

I have been pretty good about not staring at bellies. I caught myself a few times. I am honestly starting to be ok with this and accepting my fate. I am much happier for the moment.

When someone tells me that someone is PG or just gave birth, my response is still, ok great. But hey small baby steps.

My DH wanted one month to sit with the adoption forms and really think about this commitment. We are going to fill out the initial form this weekend. =)

Let this crazy journey begin!!!!!

New Cycle Pattern

Since I am now moving on to adoption, I no longer chart. I no longer worry about TTC. There have been many freeing moments. No more rushing to the dr in the middle of my work day. No more worrying about ordering meds, taking meds, etc. In fact, I stopped taking all meds, I even stopped taking my vitamins. I wanted to experience freedom from all aspects of IF.

Due to my short post peak phase. I usually take progesterone post peak.  For me this is about CD15. This month I totally forgot. I remembered around CD20. My thought was oh well whatever which was very freeing. I had a wedding coming up later this month so I thought AF would show up early. In the few times that I did not take progesterone, my cycle would only last 3 weeks.

Well CD 21 came and went with no sign of AF. Then I got to CD28. Then it was a day  later and I started to freak out. First I got excited and thought some miracle happened. You know bc I stopped everything and gave up. Then  two days later, I got back into reality and thought maybe it was menopause.

I finally told my DH and asked him if we should test. He said no, wait for another week. UGH it was driving me nuts. He said that most likely after stopping all my meds and vitamins, my body went into some type of shock.

He was probably right. Before napro I always had 28 day cycles but my peak day was late around cd 21. With napro my peak day moved up to 15 but I would only have 21 day cycles without meds.  So now I could be having a totally normal cycle or just a delayed peak.

Who knows??? Honestly I don't care. I made the decision to move on and I am standing by it.

Well AF finally showed up 4 days late. For normal people that is probably not really late. But for me who was always on time or early, this was major. Now af is here the day before the wedding. UGH

I am not sure if this will be my new cycle pattern or if it will change again. I have not decided which vitamins I want to go back on. I liked to idea of being free from progesterone suppositions but they gave me control over af.

Orientation Information

I finally had a moment to sit down and share my thoughts about the adoption orientation. It was very overwhelming  so I needed time to sort it all out.

The overall experience was good. I walked away with a lot of knowledge and a feeling that this agency is organized. I have a checklist of about 18 steps. The first one was orientation so I was happy to get something checked off.

It was hard for me to sit there for an hour and a half and listen to the social worker. She went over domestic and international. I almost cried a few times. Some of the times it was for me and my loss and the others were for the poor children who are abandoned and or neglected.

She asked us what we wanted and we had no idea in terms of race, age, etc. I said that I did not need an infant that I was ok with 0-3 years old. Then she said that the older they are, the harder it is to bond with that child bc they could have PTS.


It takes $50 to get the process started. Then comes $450 and 6 pages of forms. Then we get fingerprinted and they investigate the two of us. We have to get 7 letters of reference. They visit our house and we have to go into their office for a few visits. I am sure that there are more details I am forgetting. I just remember looking down at the final price of $28,000 and almost passing out.

After we are cleared to be fit to adopt,  we make a photo book for the birth mothers to look at. The sw showed us some books from couples who were already matched. She said that the BM will look at a few books and will most likely want to meet us before making her choice.

She said that most of them want a open adoption. She said it varies but most of them want photos and/or annual visits for the first 18 years. This was another topic we were not ready to make a decision on yet.

We decided to wait until next month to commit to this agency. My dh wanted time to ask around and see if there were any other agencies. Also, she told us not to fill out the first form until we were ready to make the hard choices and go guns blazing. She only takes up to 20 couples at a time and does not want anyone who is wishy washy signed up.

Attended the orientation today

I had my adoption orientation today. It was almost two hours long. It was very emotionally draining. I will write more about it next time. It does give me hope. I am very excited.

I got home today all pumped up and then I saw a letter from Reprosource. It was a bill from a blood test I had last November. YUP almost one year ago. It was really crappy to get a reminder of my failures today. I am trying so hard to move on.

It was for $850. Oh but they are giving me a discount if I pay by 9/23. I have had many tests run by then over the course of a few years and they were all covered 100%, so I am not sure what happened. I will have to email my contact who was always very nice to me and see what the deal is.

UGH so I am wondering if anyone had this happen to them by Reprosource  or any other dr etc.

Adoption Orientation

After SIX long years, I finally made an apt for adoption orientation. I am very excited. I finally accepted the fact that I am almost 37 and I truly want to be a mother. I have gone above and beyond to make this work and it appears that I am just not capable.

It was really hard for me to give up the dream of having a child that would be the blend of my DH and myself. To give up bonding for nine months, give up experiencing something that most women have and bond with other women too.

I had many fears of adopting but I finally decided that I have to just take a leap of faith. I feel free. I started to look on the bright side that I won't have to stretch my body out, ruin my bladder, deal with childbirth etc.

I bought some new clothes and I finally got rid of all my fat pants that I had been saving for the day that I got my BFP. When I went to Target I decided not to look at bellies anymore. I have to admit I was obsessed. I am trying not to be jealous of bumps anymore. I have been pretty good about it.

I started to tell my friends and of course the first words out of their mouths were......................
well of course you will get a BFP as soon as you adopt. ERGHHH now I know they are trying to be nice, but I finally accepted after SIX long years that I will not ever get a bfp so I don't want to hear about it. I want to move on.

When I called, the woman started asking me questions about what I wanted. (domestic vs international etc) I got a little overwhelmed. I told her that I was just starting out and I had no idea.

I feel so happy bc I think that this might actually happen some day. I used to think waiting a year was a long time. Well after waiting 6 I can handle one more.

I stopped getting the daily emails for all my IF forums. I need to start looking for adoption resources like forums etc. If anyone has any suggestions let me know.

Thinking About Seeing Dr Kwak Kim

Has anyone gone to see Dr Kwak Kim? I have heard great things about her on the immune forums. I did a search for her and I cannot seem to find a website for her office to call and make an apt. I am also wondering if there is anyone out there like me who has never been pregnant and saw her with success.

I started thinking about it today. I know from the forums that she requires you to see her in person first, so I checked plane prices and they seemed reasonable. I also checked and she is in my network. So I started to think why not? I have two weeks off in December so I thought that maybe if I called now I could get an apt then.

I saw Dr Braverman without success. He was also not nice, not in my network and very expensive. I think my problem is that his specialty is miscarriages. Since I cannot seem to  get pregnant I don't think he really knew what to do with me. He kept changing his mind about what my issue was and ultimately blamed my Endo.I did try neupogen which is his miracle drug without success. I was able to lower my NK and my TNF.I also took lovenox for my many blood clotting issues.

I have had every immune test I could find in Dr. Beer's book and on the immune forum. I also consulted Dr. Karen Pace who suggested more. Dr. Kim may have others or she may interrupt them differently. All immune tests have been covered so that is not an issue.I also read that Dr, Kim does work with US for uterine blood flow. I have many blood clotting issues so I am thinking that maybe she could be on to something with me.If possible, I would like to contact their office, send them my records, get a list of blood tests needed, so I can go over the results while I see her.

It is hard to give up and stop searching for possibilities. I started to look into adoption. I requested an info packet which was  a big step for me, but I have not told DH. I thought that maybe I would start the process slowly and pursue Dr. Kim at the same time.

Susan Sarandon Speaks about Endometriois

I saw this on FB and thought it was worth passing on.

Actress Susan Sarandon was a guest speaker at the Endometriosis Foundation of America's 2011 Blossom Ball hosted at the New York Public Library To learn more about the foundation & endometriosis please visit their website: www.endofound.org