Tuesday, October 4, 2011

moved onto the anger stage

Thank you to all of you who left me nice comments and tried to encourage me. They really mean so much. It let me know that I was not going crazy. Thank you for your support.

I was so sad and depressed all weekend. I would get distracted temporarily and then fall back into it. I started to gain control and not cry as much. Then came Monday. I felt so sick I thought I was going to toss my breakfast. I went in and felt so out of it. I was not in the mood to be there. The kids perked me up a little. I really do enjoy them, but that is only part of my day.

During my prep time one of the math teachers came up to drop something off. She was nice to me. I was surprised after the other teacher reamed me out the other day. Those two are BFFs so I figured she would be mad too. She was nice and we made small talk.  Then I had to run out for an US apt. I'll come back to that later. I was able to make it through the day without crying. Which was a big plus.

Later on, I got an email from the same teacher asking me to meet with the one who yelled at me for something school related. Again, I thought I would get sick. This teacher who yelled at me last Wed has not come by to apologize or extend an olive branch. I went to the meeting today. It was ok. Not great, but not hostile.

Now I am in the rage stage. I am no longer crying about it, but I am really mad that I am getting treated like this. My boss is trying to be nice to me. He is such a two face. I am in a weird spot. I have to be professional but I am not a two face and I do not want to be all chummy chummy like he is trying to be with me. If I push it too far and get him mad he will make it worse for me. I haven't heard back from the psychologist yet but today he emailed us a list of how many students we are getting and he sorted the kids.

 The reality is that eventually I will have to just suck it up bc I need a job and I should be thankful I have one. I do not want to push it too far. We have a meeting this week to decide who goes into which group. He already made a list but he wants our opinions.....really??? I think I am going to barf. He sent this out and makes a big deal about getting feedback.So who's feedback does he really want? Not mine, he made that clear. So I will go to the meeting and sit in silence unless he asks me a direct question. I am not going to waste my time looking over the list of kids and make suggestions when I know now that he does not value my opinion. I am going to pray that I have the strength to keep my mouth shut.

On the TTC front. Wow so I am close to trigger already. This snuck up on me for a few reasons. One: I have been consumed with work drama. Two: I have been dealing with a YI from the stress and it is hard to make observations when you are using that medication. I went in for my US apt Monday and on the left there was a 13 and a 17. On the right was such a mess. The same old endo and cyst that are always there. Now there is a large 45mm cyst that has been there for the past 3 weeks. I am hoping that goes away with my next cycle and that it is not going to joing the neighborhood

 I decided to take the neupgoen Monday, and then the trigger either Tues or wed depending on what the OPK said. You can take the neupogen one to two days before trigger. I have been taking the lovenox since CD6. I was afraid to try this. I had read about many women who took that and got really large nasty bruises. I have taken it 8 times and I have not gotten any bruises. I started to wonder if I was doing it wrong or if I need more. My DH reminded me that I have taken hundreds of shots to the belly so maybe I am just a pro. Maybe God is giving me a break bc of my work drama. Who knows. I will tell you that this shot burns like hell. You inject it and then as soon as you pull back it burns like a stabbing fire. I have to run to the couch and lie down. It lasts a few minutes and then it is fine. I will start adding a neupogen shot daily after the trigger. OH MAN I also added calcium powder to my routine. You need to take extra calcium with lovenox. So I got the powder to mix in my choc pudding. Yes that is right I am giving myself pudding bc I need extra calcium.

My napro dr called to say my uterine biopsy results came in,but he left a ambiguous message so I am not sure of my results. He said he put a report in the mail. That was Friday. Now it is Tues and I am dying to see it. I got the bill in the mail from the lab today but no report. UGH

1 comment:

  1. I hope your next meeting goes OK. Perhaps, being angry, the best thing to do is sit in silence. I can't believe the stress you're under!!!
    I hope your biopsy results turn out to be normal/ok! Too bad your doc couldn't email you a report.
    I'm praying your body and your work give you less trouble in the future, especially those cysts!


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