Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Long Talk with DH About Moving on

I have been dreading having the talk with DH about moving on to adoption. Last night I finally did it and I was very surprised at his reaction.

Two years ago when the RE told us that it was IVF or nothing, we spoke about it. He said he was fine. Then we found Napro and have been doing that ever since. He has supported me with the big items like taking care of me when I had my surgeries, but I have always felt alone emotionally. He only went to two dr apts in 5 years. Those were consults and I had to persuade him to go. Every month when I get a BFN we don't usually talk about it. I don't even always tell him. He just figures it out. I feel the constant pain of failure alone every month and I feel that this burden has been building up in me.

He freaked out when I told him that I wanted to stop. I told him that I am tired of all the Dr apts, medications etc. Once the RI told us about our HLA matches, I really lost hope. I thought he understood what the test results meant. For the past 5 years, I have been able to push myself to do things that were very unpleasant in hopes of success. I could never tell myself when I should stop bc I always had hope. Now that's gone.

My dh got mad bc he said that the RI told us neupogen would solve the problem. I reminded dh that this is the 4th month on it. Last year I took it for four months, took a break. Four months again and then took a break. That was 8 months in all. Then I had polyps removed in Feb so I thought maybe that was the issue, but who knows. Neupogen raises your white blood count, so I am not very comfortable with the idea of taking it for months without end.I think the standard is to try something for 3-4 months.

I asked him how much longer he wanted to try. He was not happy with that. He said maybe 3  months. It made me so sad to see him get so upset. I guess he had not gotten to the acceptance stage yet like I had. I told him that I was the one taking the physical burden and I am burned out.  We agreed to still try the naltrexone for a few months.

I told him how I felt so alone bc he never talks about it. I told him how I think about it daily and I cry often. He said he also thinks about it daily. I never knew that.


  1. Simone: I have long admired your strength in continuing with all these treatments. Its such a difficult journey for the one doing all the testing (I know since on our side I am also the one doing most of the things) and a very very lonely road, but its also difficult for those watching (my DH also suffered in silence). You will be in my prayers during the coming days.

    I know there are a couple of therapies for inmune factors are only available in Mexico or Europe like LIT. I have limited experience with this world, but if you need anything please let me know. There are some very reputable doctors with US credentials that do this here.

    On the other side coming to terms with the end of the biological route takes time . Some people need to stop completely, some like me adopt and continue in lesser intensity with this, some combine both. Have you thought about talking with adoptive families? Joining them for an afternoon and inviting your DH? . This is what made it click for me. It brought down all the barriers that I had and also for DH. We saw completlely normal families full of love. It was not immediate, but we felt so happy when seeing this. Adoption while sometime can be seen as a second option (I did) its actually filled with so many blessings that if I had known the joys it could bring I would have seeked it sooner. In my particular case I continue to do treatments for fertility after the coming of my son, but in a far more relaxed manner knowing full well that adoption is also an option for us. I will continue to pray for you and your DH while you discern.

  2. Geez, simone, I feel so sad reading this post. My heart breaks for your and DH. I think having a talk like that with DH was definitely overdue and probably should happen more frequently, so he can understand your frustration/pain and vice versa. I pray that the Lord comforts you and DH during this time. I wish I could say something else to make things better. I know you will have your child...either biological/adoption...I know it! God Bless you.

  3. It's hard not being on the same page. Praying that God will heal you quickly and fill your hearts with peace. Saying the Rosary while meditating on the Joyful Mysteries always seems to help me during these times. It helps me remember that Joseph and Mary had a rough start and were able to remain faithful and obedient throughout much suffering. Take it or leave it- we all need different spiritual aids along this difficult road. God bless.

  4. I have been reading your blog for awhile now. I have not had the same TTC journey that you have had but we have been trying for 3 years and 2 years with Napro. We did conceive once shortly after my lap but lost the baby around 10 weeks. I also had this talk recently with my husband. He got mad while I was upset and crying. He tried to explain to me that while I show my emotions with tears his frustration with us not being able to conceive is shown by getting angry. This might be the same case with your husband. We discussed how we would love to have children that is part us but when it comes down to it all we have ever wanted to be is parents. Give your husband a few days for your talk to sink in and then maybe ask how he feels about adoption. I know this is such a difficult journey but God has a plan for you, even better than the one you have for yourself. Someday this will all make sense.

  5. Simone, I found your blog thru another friend's blog... and believe me, I understand. Seven and half years of TTC (from our wedding day - and yes, at 35 - I was a virgin bride). Now I'm 42, and today is the 2 yr anniversary of my miscarriage. After Napro, PCOS, MTHFR, two laparoscopies, a laparotomy, etc.. I got pregnant (naturally!) at the age of 40 - to the shock & awe of all those around me... they were convinced I did IVF. I was so outspoken that I most certainly did NOT. Then, the day before my 16 week appt, I suffered a complete spontaneous miscarriage at home. Our precious little one is buried in our Catholic cemetery. This is where we go on Mother's Day & on Father's Day. My anger at my DH was that during my pregnancy, he missed both ultrasounds (8 wks & 12 wks), because he was f'ing playing golf! He never saw the heartbeat. I know that haunts him, but as the one who suffered so many exams, tests, and surgeries - it really pissed me off. And it breaks my heart. I'm so very close to giving up, but he still wants to continue to try. Sometimes I feel as though we hope in vain, although we know that no prayers are ever wasted. If God doesn't give you what you ask, it may be that He has something better in mind. Yeah, I know. Easier said than done. As for His mysterious ways - I'd like to know, why did I (briefly) go through the joy, when I had already embraced the sorrow... to then have that sorrow become even more profound? As always, may St. Gerard and St. Gianna pray for us.
    ~ Lisa

  6. Praying for you, Simone and glad that, at least through this recent event, he is starting to express himself more. I am hoping that from here forward you will feel like you are in this together. And thank you for sharing your honest hard times with us. Sometimes I feel the Catholic blogs are so full of people talking about how amazing their husbands are that I wonder if I am the only one that struggles in my vocation as a wife.

  7. I will be praying extra for you and your hubby as you decide what to do. I know that during our TTC journey, I also had tears, while I got mad at my hubby for never talking about it / shedding tears / being angry. If he was sad, I didn't know it. I wish the men didn't hide it so well. My DH said he was "trying to be strong" for me, but I just wanted someone (my best friend in the whole world) to talk with me about it and he didn't 'talk". Go figure.
    It is so hard to decide what to do and when to stop. Maybe he is used to the whole TTC phase and doesn't like change? I'll join you in prayer to open your DH's heart towards adoption, regardless of what you decide. Although we were still TTC, we started checking out adoption agencies and "what-if-ing" if we decided to go that route.
    (((HUGS))) and prayers. Hang in there!

  8. Simone, I just wanted to say, "Wow!". I cannot believe all of the IF stuff you have been through. I dealt w/ IF for several years, but never really investigated the cause of it. At that time I did not know of NAPRO, but I am sure that it could have helped us in some way. I am so glad that there is NAPRO technology now!!!! I have some advice for you: Trust in God and lean not unto your own understanding. This is so hard, especially when you are so sad, angry, bitter, and jealous. I am not saying that YOU feel this way, but this is how I felt. What helped me was to pray in front of the Planned Parenthood Clinic that our future baby's birthmother would have the courage to choose life for her baby. Guess what? We were selected by 2 birthmothers whose mothers both wanted & encouraged them to abort - and both claimed to be "Catholic". Both birthmothers were strong enough to value their child's life and not abort their baby. Sadly, neither of these adoptions ended up being our "forever baby". However, later on, there was another birthmother who chose us, and now we have a beautiful child from that adoption. Making the choice to adopt was so INCREDIBLY hard for me, and yet now that I've done it, I see how God was calling us, all along to make this decision - to open our hearts to a baby, and not just one created through my dh & I, but one created to NEED dh and I as a mommy and daddy - one who I love and treasure dearly!!!! Have you looked at it from this perspective yet - that your baby, perhaps yet to be conceived, perhaps already conceived, but already KNOWN and PLANNED by God, needs YOU, as a mommy? I will pray for you that God blesses you with the desire of your heart - a child either through conception or adoption.


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