I have been dreading having the talk with DH about moving on to adoption. Last night I finally did it and I was very surprised at his reaction.
Two years ago when the RE told us that it was IVF or nothing, we spoke about it. He said he was fine. Then we found Napro and have been doing that ever since. He has supported me with the big items like taking care of me when I had my surgeries, but I have always felt alone emotionally. He only went to two dr apts in 5 years. Those were consults and I had to persuade him to go. Every month when I get a BFN we don't usually talk about it. I don't even always tell him. He just figures it out. I feel the constant pain of failure alone every month and I feel that this burden has been building up in me.
He freaked out when I told him that I wanted to stop. I told him that I am tired of all the Dr apts, medications etc. Once the RI told us about our HLA matches, I really lost hope. I thought he understood what the test results meant. For the past 5 years, I have been able to push myself to do things that were very unpleasant in hopes of success. I could never tell myself when I should stop bc I always had hope. Now that's gone.
My dh got mad bc he said that the RI told us neupogen would solve the problem. I reminded dh that this is the 4th month on it. Last year I took it for four months, took a break. Four months again and then took a break. That was 8 months in all. Then I had polyps removed in Feb so I thought maybe that was the issue, but who knows. Neupogen raises your white blood count, so I am not very comfortable with the idea of taking it for months without end.I think the standard is to try something for 3-4 months.
I asked him how much longer he wanted to try. He was not happy with that. He said maybe 3 months. It made me so sad to see him get so upset. I guess he had not gotten to the acceptance stage yet like I had. I told him that I was the one taking the physical burden and I am burned out. We agreed to still try the naltrexone for a few months.
I told him how I felt so alone bc he never talks about it. I told him how I think about it daily and I cry often. He said he also thinks about it daily. I never knew that.