Yesterday was my 35th birthday. I have been dreading that day for the last five years. Ever since I can remember even back to when I was a little girl, it was common for people to say that once you hit 35 you are at high risk to have a baby with birth defects. That is why I had the plan to have one at 30 and the second at 32 and be done before that age. Now I am 35 and childless.
I know that technology has advanced and women are now having babies into their 40s. My DH's mother had him at 40 with no issues. That number still haunts me. I started to feel quilt about TTC and putting my baby at risk.
Then I had to stop listening to the what ifs. The what ifs sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ear all the possible horrible things that can go wrong. They will make you crazy if you listen. I told them to go away.
I am starting to accept that life does not happen as we plan it. It just happens. I am starting to accept the fact that I may never have a child and that my life will still be ok. Will it be perfect? No, but I can not try for perfection anymore, I have to work with what I have.
My dh and I celebrated my birthday in a quiet calm way. I was not really in the mood to celebrate but I did not want to get sad over it. We went out for dinner and enjoyed being a couple. I ordered chocolate cheese cake for my birthday cake. I was too full to eat it last night, so I am going to eat it for breakfast today.
I love my new car. Is it is a baby substitute? No, but it does make me feel very happy. It is so great. I love how it rides. I love the comfort of the seats. I am not usually a person who shows off my stuff, but if my coworkers are able to constantly show off their baby in the latest cute outfit or video of something cute they did, then I feel that I should be able to show of my car. It felt great to get some attention.
Yesterday I got two great surprises. I got a call that the dealer ordered me free floor mats and they were in. I did not know he ordered them. Then someone made a great offer on my broken down car that was of no value to me. He gave me 700 in cash. I used some of that money to get a remote car starter.
I went to the store and was looking at clear floor mats. My DH laughed at me and said you are going to get floor mats for the floor mats. Well, yes I was thinking about it for the snow. I had to laugh when he said it out loud. I guess I really love my new car and want to take good care of it.